Minecraft story

[cintari]

A paragraph from a minecraft story I'm working on. Feel free to critique.

As I stumbled out of my chair in sheer panic, I grabbed my sword and ran for the door. I made my way across the field to the castle gate. The monsters that once surrounded it were gone. The cry grew in the distance. I went through the castle gate and head towards the area where the cries were coming from. I followed the cries to the forest, hesistated, then ran inside. As I ran through the dark brush I saw glimpses of shadowy figures at my side. Turning my head for a moment I stumbled into a clearing and a few feet in front of my was a girl being mauled by a zombie. "Jesus christ help!" she screamed as the undead beast latched onto her arm. I charged in a fury and kicked the zombie off the girl and sliced its head clean off. I turned to the girl. She had blonde hair, black skin, and was wearing a pink shirt and jeans. As I reached out my hand to help her up I felt a sharp pain in my leg. An arrow had pierced clean through my calf knocking me off my feet. As I stumbled to get up out from the underbrush came a skeleton on the back of a massive spider. The creature let out a blood curtling screech as I pulled up my sword. The skeleton let out another howl and began his charge at me. As he approached I felt my stomach grow ill. With each foot the monster gained on me I grew more fearful. And then, out of no where, a burst of anger overcame me and I charged after it. Arrows flew by my head as I approached the spider jockey. Finally I was within striking range. As I swung my blade to cut off the jockeys head the spider clamped down on my blade. I quickly grabbed the blade with both hands and pulled it upward slicing the spiders head in two. The spider flew back in agony as a readied my sword again and pierced its thorax. The spider then fell on its back, crushing the skeleton under it. I rushed over to the girl. She was unconscious, but breathing. Her blood had formed a large pond on the ground as I lift her in my hands. Just as she began to come to a scream wrang out from the skeleton under the spider. Immediately a chorus of monstrous screeching surged through the forest as a group of zombies came out of the forest into the clearning. As I paniced frantically over my next course of action, the pig suddenly ran past me and into the forest. I immediately ran after the pig, dodging the zombies as I went. After a few minutes the pig led me out of the forest back to my castle, which ironically, was now surrounded by zombies. Almost instinctively the pig ran through the crowd of zombies gathering their attention just long enough for me to make my way to the front gates. I made my way inside and started heading for the house. I kicked open the front door, put the girl down on the bed and began frantically plowing through my first aid chest. I pulled out some bandages and began patching her up the best I could as the pig entered and sat down in a corner intently studying me. I finished treating her, and took a seat by her bed, and began sobbing. My hands were shaking uncontrollaby as I hunched over in grief. The nightmare was over, I thought to myself, as the symphony of the monsters consumed the night sky.

[Mestophales]

It's quite nice, there's a few bits that can be fixed though, such as it being 'headed towards' not 'head towards'. Also the girl screaming "Jesus Christ help!" made be laugh. The last line was pretty great though.

[cintari]

At 3/20/11 08:23 AM, Mestophales wrote: It's quite nice, there's a few bits that can be fixed though, such as it being 'headed towards' not 'head towards'. Also the girl screaming "Jesus Christ help!" made be laugh. The last line was pretty great though.

Put in some much needed spelling and grammar corrections

As I stumbled out of my chair in sheer panic, I grabbed my sword and ran for the door. I made my way across the field to the castle gate. The monsters that once surrounded it were gone. The cry grew in the distance. I went through the castle gate and head towards the area where the cries were coming from. I followed the cries to the forest, hesitated, then ran inside. As I ran through the dark brush I saw glimpses of shadowy figures at my side. Turning my head for a moment I stumbled into a clearing and a few feet in front of my was a girl being mauled by a zombie. She screamed as the undead beast latched onto her arm. I charged in a fury and kicked the zombie off the girl and sliced its head clean off. I turned to the girl. She had blonde hair, black skin, and was wearing a pink shirt and jeans. As I reached out my hand to help her up I felt a sharp pain in my leg. An arrow had pierced clean through my calf knocking me off my feet. As I stumbled to get up, out from the underbrush came a skeleton on the back of a massive spider. The creature let out a blood curdling screech as I pulled up my sword. The skeleton let out another howl and began his charge at me. As he approached I felt my stomach grow ill. With each foot the monster gained on me I grew more fearful. And then, out of no where, a burst of anger overcame me and I charged after it. Arrows flew by my head as I approached the monster. Finally I was within striking range. As I swung my blade to cut off the skeletons head but the spider clamped down on my blade. I quickly grabbed the blade with both hands and pulled it upward slicing the spiders head in two. The spider flew back in agony as a readied my sword again and thrust it into its thorax. The spider then fell on its back, crushing the skeleton under it. I rushed over to the girl. She was unconscious, but breathing. Her blood had formed a large pond on the ground as I lift her in my hands. Just as she began to come to a scream rang out from the skeleton under the spider. Immediately a chorus of monstrous screeching surged through the forest as a group of zombies came out of the forest into the clearing. As I panicked frantically over my next course of action when the pig suddenly ran past me and into the forest. I immediately ran after the pig, dodging the zombies as I went. After a few minutes the pig led me out of the forest back to my castle, which ironically, was now surrounded by zombies. Almost instinctively the pig ran through the crowd of zombies gathering their attention just long enough for me to make my way to the front gates. I made my way inside and started heading for the house. I kicked open the front door, put the girl down on the bed and began frantically plowing through my first aid chest. I pulled out some bandages and began patching her up the best I could as the pig entered and sat down in a corner intently studying me. I finished treating her, and took a seat by her bed, and began sobbing. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I hunched over in grief. The nightmare was over, I thought to myself, as a symphony of monsters consumed the night sky.