Lab Rats

[up-a-notch]

I am writing some stuff down, what do you think?

Prologue

In a dark room somewhere in Washington.

"Sir, we need the money to do these tests!"

"What if something goes wrong?! I could get impeached, or worse!"

"I assure you sir nothing will go wrong, in fact it could help to stop the war!"

"Fine I'll give you the money Xavier! Just make sure nothing goes wrong!"

"Thank you Mister President, you won't regret this" said Xavier "...I hope"

Chapter 1

"Hey Justin my man!"

"What do you want Chuck?" I said

You would think that by 2017 they would have got rid of annoying brothers

"Nothing, it's just your birthday's coming up soon and I was wondering if you wanted something?"

I wait for a minute watching the hands on my cat clock that I got from Chuck last birthday.

"Chuck, I don't buy it, What do you really want?"

"Well...now that you mention it...can you give me a loan to help me start up something?"

Chuck was always inventing something, claiming it was the next big thing, He never wen't through with it or he quit halfway through, but sometimes you can't resist the call of your brother.

"Fine chuck but you have to pay me back!"

"Thanks dude! See you later"

The door slams shut as Chuck leaves, and I realize that to pay Chuck I need to get some more money, I get on my 3 year old laptop that is sitting on my god knows how old desk and sit on my 10 year old chair and google some ways to make money, most of them are scams but i write down a few that I see on craigslist, then as I press the next page button I see a job "Lab Assistant WANTED - 1000 $$$" after checking out if this is fake or not and realizing that "Lab Assistant" really means being a lab rat I decide to email them.

END OF CHAPTER 1

[DeftAndEvil]

Although the mystery is somewhat compelling, the story is uninteresting and needs fleshing out, as it sounds like a weak conspiracy thriller thus far. Needless to say (haha I'll say it anyway) a strong start is important. The characters and dialogue are pretty weak and undeveloped, and that is where I'd start. The plot is ok, I guess, but needs, well, a bigger punch, if you will.

[up-a-notch]

At 3/5/11 09:00 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote: Although the mystery is somewhat compelling, the story is uninteresting and needs fleshing out, as it sounds like a weak conspiracy thriller thus far. Needless to say (haha I'll say it anyway) a strong start is important. The characters and dialogue are pretty weak and undeveloped, and that is where I'd start. The plot is ok, I guess, but needs, well, a bigger punch, if you will.

can you give me an example of how I could flesh out the characters?

also what parts did you kinda like?

[DeftAndEvil]

At 3/5/11 08:01 PM, up-a-notch wrote: I am writing some stuff down, what do you think?

Prologue

In a dark room somewhere in Washington.

You could write a better hook than this.

"Sir, we need the money to do these tests!"

"What if something goes wrong?! I could get impeached, or worse!"

The president is already alienating the reader. (From what I gather) he is an insular and somewhat selfish character. Instead of focusing on the moral or even socioeconomic or personal beliefs, his only worry is impeachment. Or worse? Well, I guess that could be anything...

"I assure you sir nothing will go wrong, in fact it could help to stop the war!"

There are a few errors in this sentence. It should be more like this: "I assure you, sir, nothing will go wrong; in fact, (or "wrong--in fact,") it could help stop the war!"

"Fine I'll give you the money Xavier! Just make sure nothing goes wrong!"

There really isn't much substance here. Xavier seems like a typical government agent. Again, the president is characterized as a weak character, as Xavier empty promise convinces him to go with the experiment, as long as the president's ass is safe, when the fact that it could end the war should have swayed him more. You could make him either a bit more moralistic or idealistic, and maybe make him oppose the experiment even more. Or, you could make him a bit stubborn but commanding. It is really up to you.

"Thank you Mister President, you won't regret this" said Xavier "...I hope"

A better cliffhanger would help here.

Chapter 1

"Hey Justin my man!"

"What do you want Chuck?" I said

You would think that by 2017 they would have got rid of annoying brothers

"Nothing, it's just your birthday's coming up soon and I was wondering if you wanted something?"

I wait for a minute watching the hands on my cat clock that I got from Chuck last birthday.

"Chuck, I don't buy it, What do you really want?"

"Well...now that you mention it...can you give me a loan to help me start up something?"

The dialogue could use a lot of work. The characters are too one-dimensional; Chuck is your typical screw-up brother (although he seems to be an inventor or researcher or something).

Chuck was always inventing something, claiming it was the next big thing, He never wen't through with it or he quit halfway through, but sometimes you can't resist the call of your brother.

"Fine chuck but you have to pay me back!"

"Thanks dude! See you later"

This conversation seems unrealistic and is underdeveloped. For example, Justin has shown evidence that his brother is always hitting him up for money, almost scamming him. Although he is his brother, he lends him the money without really considering the outcomes.

The door slams shut as Chuck leaves, and I realize that to pay Chuck I need to get some more money, I get on my 3 year old laptop that is sitting on my god knows how old desk and sit on my 10 year old chair and google some ways to make money, most of them are scams but i write down a few that I see on craigslist, then as I press the next page button I see a job "Lab Assistant WANTED - 1000 $$$" after checking out if this is fake or not and realizing that "Lab Assistant" really means being a lab rat I decide to email them.

The writing here is a bit too simple and rudimentary. Also, it is too informal at spots, for example, "google some ways" and "checking this out if it is fake or not." Also, break this sentence up. There is an instance of a run-on sentence. The rest feels a bit of a rambling mess. Try experimenting with writing styles and feel free to use some figurative language or stylistic writing elements. As of now the story seems a bit bland and uninteresting.

Quite honestly, the story is not enthralling or even interesting or particularly well-written, although some revision could remedy this. Good luck.

END OF CHAPTER 1

[up-a-notch]

How is version 2.0?

Prologue

A short man with a white lab coat named Xavier walks into a dark room somewhere in washington

"Sir, we need the money to do these tests!" Says Xavier

"What if something goes wrong?! I could get impeached, or worse!" Says The President

"I assure you sir nothing will go wrong, in fact it could help to stop the war!" Says Xavier

"Fine I'll give you the money Xavier! Just make sure nothing goes wrong!" Says The President

"Thank you Mister President, you won't regret this" said Xavier, I hope

Chapter 1

I hear the door open and look up

"Hey Justin my man!" Says my brother Chuck, Chuck is short with orange hair and always wears a star trek t-shirt

"What do you want Chuck?" I say

You would think that by 2017 they would have got rid of annoying brothers

"Nothing, it's just your birthday's coming up soon and I was wondering if you wanted something?" Says Chuck

I wait for a minute watching the hands on my cat clock that I got from Chuck last birthday.

"Chuck, I don't buy it, What do you really want?" I say with a suspicions tone in my voice

"Well...now that you mention it...can you give me a loan to help me start up something?" says Chuck

Chuck was always inventing something, claiming it was the next big thing, He never wen't through with it or he quit halfway through, but I know he will just keep bugging me if I say no and each time he will need more and more money

"Fine chuck but you have to pay me back!" I say a little to loudly

"Thanks dude! See you later" Yells Chuck as he is walking out the door

The door slams shut as Chuck leaves, and I realize that to pay Chuck I need to get some more money, I get on my 3 year old laptop that is sitting on my god knows how old desk and sit on my 10 year old chair and find some ways to make money. Most of them are scams but I write down a few that I see on craigslist, after awhile as I press the next page button for the millionth time I see a job. "Lab Assistant WANTED - 1000 $$$" after realizing "Lab Assistant" really means being a lab rat I decide to email them, little did I know that sometimes being a lab rat is more then running around in a maze

END CHAPTER 1

[DeftAndEvil]

I'm glad to see you are revising your work :)
Still, there are a few problems that have become more evident.
First of all, try varying your sentences more. For example, half of the dialogue is followed by "says [Character]." Try saying something like "[Character] retorted" or "[Character snickered." Also, while the character descriptions are a bit better, they are still really undeveloped. The Star Trek T-shirt was a nice touch, but there really isn't much depth to any of the characters. Finally, the language is still a bit too simple. I don't usually suggest a thesaurus because the language feels contrived or sometimes a bit verbose. However, I do recommend you use one, just be careful. The plot still feels a bit weak because the mystery/thriller aspect is still lacking. The prologue could be a lot stronger. Maybe describe how the experiments are pushing technology, and ethics/morals, to their limits. The lab rat motif was surprisingly catchy. Subtle but somewhat constant lab rat imagery and allusions could help develop the piece, as well as provide insight into the mental state of the protagonist.

Keep at it. Peace.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 3/7/11 12:54 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

Still, there are a few problems that have become more evident.

Sorry for the double post.

Also, I forgot to mention the constant spelling errors. I don't know if you are using a proofreader but there are too many errors, for example using "suspicions" instead of "suspicious."

[up-a-notch]

I tried to improve on Justin and the presidents character this time

Prologue

A short man with a white lab coat named Xavier walks into a dark room somewhere in washington

"Sir, we need the money to do these tests!" Says Xavier

"What if something goes wrong?! I could get impeached, or worse!" Says The President, A balding man with a blue suit, the press says he is a little bit looney

"I assure you sir nothing will go wrong, in fact it could help to stop the war! They are pushing the boundaries of what can be done!" Says Xavier like a con-man talks when he is tricking you to play his games

"Fine I'll give you the money Xavier! Just make sure nothing goes wrong!" The President Loudly Exclaims

"Thank you Mister President, you won't regret this" said Xavier, I hope

Chapter 1

I hear the door open and look up

"Hey Justin my man!" Says my brother Chuck, Chuck is short with orange hair and always wears a star trek t-shirt

"What do you want Chuck?" I say in a annoyed tone, that would usually get him out of my house, but I guess he got used to my black hairs shaking with annoyance on end when he asks for money, don't get me wrong I like chuck but sometimes it's like he stabs me in the gut, it was ok in the 2000's when we were kids but now it's 2023 and he needs to grow up.

"Nothing, it's just your birthday's coming up soon and I was wondering if you wanted something?" Says Chuck

I wait for a minute watching the hands on my cat clock that I got from Chuck last birthday.

"Chuck, I don't buy it, What do you really want?" I say with a suspicious tone in my voice

"Well...now that you mention it...can you give me a loan to help me start up something?" says Chuck

Chuck was always inventing something, claiming it was the next big thing, He never wean't through with it or he quit halfway through, but I know he will just keep bugging me if I say no and each time he will need more and more money

"Fine chuck but you have to pay me back!" I say a little to loudly

"Thanks dude! See you later" Yells Chuck as he is walking out the door

The door slams shut as Chuck leaves, and I realize that to pay Chuck I need to get some more money, I get on my 3 year old laptop that is sitting on my god knows how old desk and sit on my 10 year old chair and find some work. Most of them are scams but I write down a few that I see on craigslist, after awhile as I press the next page button for the millionth time I see a job. "Lab Assistant WANTED - 1000 $$$" after realizing "Lab Assistant" really means being a lab rat I decide to email them, little did I know that sometimes being a lab rat is more then running around in a maze.

CHAPTER END