Fear

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Life as I knew it ended when I was twelve. That day I became a fugitive.

I remember all the nights I heard my mother screaming, the shouts of pain echo still in the deepest parts of my mind. My father would come home from drinking and use Mom and I to vent his frustrations. He would make us fear him so that he could keep hurting us. Sometimes when he left home, Mom and I would sit together and she would tell me everything would be okay, and how one day we would leave home to a better place away from Dad.

Sometimes he would leave me alone, but beat my mom harder. She never looked the same afterwards; the bruises healed, the scars would fade, but there was always something about her that never looked the same. It was as if life was leaving her a little bit at a time. When I turned ten, she looked broken, not physically, but emotionally.

At the age of eleven, the beatings got worse; Dad would beat us more often because that was the year he lost his job as a logger. He spent our food money on beer, and stayed home longer. We were never free of him. He was supposed to be our provider, he was supposed to feed us and care for us. Instead, we were a burden to him. We were an inconvenience to him, we were something to be hated.

A few weeks after my birthday, my mother was told to bring Dad something to eat and a beer. She did so as quickly as possible for fear of being beaten. When she got to Dad, it didn't take long for the yelling to start, but this time something special happened; she yelled back. I heard a loud choking noise, and then I snapped.

I remember every detail perfectly; I picked up a chain from the floor, Dad never put away any of his work things... Anyway, I picked up the chain, and I stealthily crept behind him. He was occupied strangling mom, who was making horrible gagging noises at the time. I reacted, and wrapped the chain around his neck. Startled, he wriggled and yanked, and then he reached for his own neck. He stumbled over my mom who lay limp on the floor; this caused him to fall and turn around which choked him harder. I looked into his eyes as I pulled with all my might, and as I did I watched as the life dwindled from his eyes. I didn't care. I pulled even harder, and harder, and harder. Even when I knew he was dead I kept pulling until I let out a yell and fell to the floor exhausted.

[DefinitionThePoet]

Wow. This is a very good write, the level of detail is amazing. I love the back story, you built this ending you made me want him to die, I felt no remorse for him. This is just excellent. However, if I could suggest one thing; I would suggest maybe extending it a little longer to give some closure.. I mean being left on edge is nice, really nice to be honest, but I feel with something like this, closure is needed.

Anyway, that's just my opinion, I'm a poet not a story writer. Excellent work.
Maybe you can check out mines sometimes?

Oh, one more thing... I just have to show you this.... Your story just reminded me of this sooo much!

Till Death Do Us Part.

-Definition

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Thank you for your feed back, I just wanted to write that to get it off my mind. I will definitely check out your work when my mind is ready.

[DefinitionThePoet]

At 2/13/11 11:15 PM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote: Thank you for your feed back, I just wanted to write that to get it off my mind. I will definitely check out your work when my mind is ready.

That's what's up. =)

[ICY-HURR]

cool

[tinytim12]

Dad never put away any of his work things... Anyway, I picked up the chain, and I stealthily crept behind him.

This line breaks the pace. Change it.

Also, try to convey some of the character's feelings and emotions. Yes, you did that at the end, but you could have established his rage at his father or his love for his mother at the beginning to give the fight scene more meaning.

But it was a pretty cool story bro.