Transient Realities - A Novel Wip

[InsertFunnyUserName]

This is a story idea that I've had in my mind for a while now. It's based on an idea I had for a flash series, which I--as always--didn't follow through on. The first chapter is short--less than 700 words--but I'm not sure if I'll keep all of the chapters that short. I might; I might not.

I know I've been away from the writing forum for a while, but I intend to come back more.

As always, constructive criticism is much appreciated. I don't mind if you point out small details.

Chapter 1: Loss
No one walked through the cities at night anymore, except for those who had nothing to lose. When the skies faded from the drab olive of day to the darkened teal of night, doors closed and not a soul but the snakes saw the moonrise behind the clouds. Those old enough to remember the time before the Taishar came to power had fleeting thoughts of taking the risk every once in a while, but almost no one braved it.

But Thaima had nothing to lose and everything to gain, so she wandered through old streets of boarded up businesses at the tail end of sunset with a kind of grace that had almost disappeared in those times. Those who saw her at a distance out of their dusty windows would speak of how she appeared to be looking for something that she couldn't find.

Eventually, she found her way to a balcony overlooking an alleyway that appeared larger than it actually was and as she made her way to the edge, she could see a man with piercing eyes and a woman whose expression revealed a perturbing level of trepidation. Thaima couldn't empathize with the woman, but she felt sorry for her nonetheless.

There was a long pause before the man spoke. "Do you understand me?" He filled his voice with arrogance, condescension and disrespect; Thaima took him to be of the Taishar.

"Give me time." The woman's voice was timorous at best and she averted her eyes. "All I need is time."

"Time?" The man coughed up a growl that vaguely resembled a laugh. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you, girl. You have 48 hours."

"But-" The woman took in a sharp breath as she started to plead her case, but she didn't have the chance to finish before the man's contemptuous glare cut her off.

As he began to walk away, he said, "48 hours. After 48 hours, you will regret your incompetency. There are consequences for forgetting the stakes and if you fail me, you will find out first hand what those consequences entail. Don't say you were never warned."

This shocked the woman out of her fearful daze and threw her into a tumult of hopeless disbelief. Thaima could see the woman's face twitch as she struggled to deal with what she had just heard, but even though the man had turned away, Thaima could tell that he still had that same subtle smile on his face that reminded both women of the kind of power he possessed.

Movement in the dark intersection of the alleyways caught Thaima's eye. In what was now obscuring darkness, she couldn't yet make out any details of the figure. She could only tell that whatever it was seemed to be moving towards the distracted woman who stood with trembling hands, unaware of anything but her own fear. But despite the danger, Thaima did not consider yelling out. It didn't cross her mind.

Once the figure moved further into Thaima's line of sight, she could tell that it was a man-a fellow Ikir with his violet hair and his channeling stones-that moved with the kind of stealthy grace that she had mastered for herself. This piqued her interest.

But she didn't expect the man to grab the woman and begin to drag her away. She also didn't expect the Taishar to turn his head and adopt an incredulous stare as he saw the woman struggle. Without too much effort, the Ikir pulled the woman back into the alley from which he had come and eventually, somewhere off in the distance, she heard the engine of a car burst into life.

Thaima and the Taishar stood motionless until they caught each other's eye, but after a short pause, the man turned back around and disappeared around the corner.

[Abuelodigital17]

It's pretty decent so far. No spelling mistakes, no grammar mistakes and I want to know what happens next.

[Ice-Crane]

This is nice. I like the way you started off the story and how you show the readers, not just merely telling them the story. I hope you continue writing!

[tinytim12]

You want small details, I'll give you small details.

she could tell that it was a man-a fellow Ikir with his violet hair and his channeling stones-that moved with the kind of stealthy grace that she had mastered for herself.

it should be 'she could tell that it was a man - a fellow Ikir with his violet hair and his channeling stones - that moved with the kind of stealthy grace that she had mastered for herself.' leaving a space in front and behind of the dashes.

At least, that's how I do it. Dunno if you're allowed to do it the way you did, but whatever.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 1/27/11 03:18 AM, Ice-Crane wrote: This is nice. I like the way you started off the story and how you show the readers, not just merely telling them the story. I hope you continue writing!

Thanks. I was afraid that some of it would come off as a little tell-ish, so that's good to know.

At 1/27/11 03:36 AM, tinytim12 wrote: it should be 'she could tell that it was a man - a fellow Ikir with his violet hair and his channeling stones - that moved with the kind of stealthy grace that she had mastered for herself.' leaving a space in front and behind of the dashes.

At least, that's how I do it. Dunno if you're allowed to do it the way you did, but whatever.

Actually, when you have hyphens indicating a clause in a sentence, there is no space. It's also supposed to be an m-dash, which is usually represented by two dashes since the m-dash is a special character (which is more of a bother to add). But, since Microsoft Word automatically changes two regular dashes to one m-dash, I overlooked it and forgot that these forums change those corrections back to a single regular dash for whatever reason.

So it's actually supposed to be like this: "...that it was a man--a fellow Ikir..."

http://grammartips.homestead.com/dash.ht ml