Titleless story, feedback please.

[davaca]

This started as an entry for the story jam, but it has grown too long.
I just wrote it, in one sitting. I probably should let it rest until tomorrow, but then I will probably just ignore it from then on, like I usually do.

The weather still hasn't changed. The weather never recovered, they probably fucked it up too hard for it to ever recover. I wonder why I always write this at the start. I wonder why I always wonder why I write it. I wonder about recursive wondering. I always do.

These notes are the only way to keep hold of my sanity. Sometimes I wonder if that is still true. The characters in the old books don't behave like anybody does nowadays. I wonder if that might be positive, after what they did. I wonder if writing the same things over and over again can't be causing insanity. I wonder if insanity can cause me to write the same things over and over again.

My ink source ran out today. I had to get a new one. I found one, and it looks like this one will last me a while, if I don't use it as a food source. I wonder if separating my ink- and my food-sources would work. I wonder, but I can't reach a conclusion. I wonder why. The new source came with a price. The trap is ruined. I will repair it tomorrow. I will not be able to write until very late tomorrow. I wonder if not writing will have the same effect as it always does. It probably will, it always does. I wonder why I wonder about certainties. Again, I wonder about recursive wondering.

The ink is good. Writing with fresh ink is one of the biggest pleasures I have left. Wet it's crimson. I love that color. I wonder why it has to change color when it dries. I wonder why I never found an ink that didn't change color when it dried. I wonder of such ink exists. The ink source is restless. It is strong, and big. I wonder if its kinsmen will search for it. I hope they do. They will provide more ink, and there are plenty of traps.
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The weather still hasn't changed. The weather never recovered, they probably fucked it up too hard for it to ever recover. I wonder why I always write this at the start. I wonder why I always wonder why I write it. I wonder about recursive wondering. I always do.

These notes are the only way to keep hold of my sanity. Sometimes I wonder if that is still true. The characters in the old books don't behave like anybody does nowadays. I wonder if that might be positive, after what they did. I wonder if writing the same things over and over again can't be causing insanity. I wonder if insanity can cause me to write the same things over and over again.

I repaired the trap. I had difficultly returning. Now I am writing, and I am good.

I wonder how the trap was ruined. The other ink sources never did that. I wonder why this ink source looks different from all the others. I wonder what it is it carries.

The ink is still good.
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The weather still hasn't changed. The weather never recovered, they probably fucked it up too hard for it to ever recover. I wonder why I always write this at the start. I wonder why I always wonder why I write it. I wonder about recursive wondering. I always do.

These notes are the only way to keep hold of my sanity. Sometimes I wonder if that is still true. The characters in the old books don't behave like anybody does nowadays. I wonder if that might be positive, after what they did. I wonder if writing the same things over and over again can't be causing insanity. I wonder if insanity can cause me to write the same things over and over again.

My ink source caused trouble today. It is truly a magnificent individual, but its strength was too much for my restraints. I already got some ink from it, so it was weakened and didn't see the trap right outside. It did make some notebooks fall. I prefer to not cause ink sources distress, but this one will suffer. I wonder if this revenge is truly needed. I wonder if it matters. It is a source of ink, and a source of food. If it harms my notebooks, I will make it unable to repeat that. I wonder why it screamed when I got it out of the trap outside. I wonder if it knew it harmed my books. If it did, I wonder how stupid they truly are.

Others have been running around. I wonder why. I wonder if this one was important. They avoid the traps. I wonder if they can learn.
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The weather still hasn't changed. The weather never recovered, they probably fucked it up too hard for it to ever recover. I wonder why I always write this at the start. I wonder why I always wonder why I write it. I wonder about recursive wondering. I always do.

These notes are the only way to keep hold of my sanity. Sometimes I wonder if that is still true. The characters in the old books don't behave like anybody does nowadays. I wonder if that might be positive, after what they did. I wonder if writing the same things over and over again can't be causing insanity. I wonder if insanity can cause me to write the same things over and over again.

The ink source lost a lot of ink. I wonder if it was really needed. It will not harm my notebooks anymore, so it must be. Still, I wonder if loss of ink could have been avoided more. The ink source is making noise. I wonder if removing its ability to make their complex sounds was a good idea. It spilled a lot of ink. The current monotonous noise is becoming irritating. I wonder how I could silence it.

The others that ran around are coming closer. I wonder why. Some have fallen in my traps. They do better then before. I wonder why. I wonder how far they get.

The ink is already less good. I wonder if I could keep ink sources in better condition. The ink writes less good. It's color is already darker. I wonder why it darkens so soon.
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Pain. I wonder how they made it here. I wonder why they did it. I wonder about pain. I never felt such pain.
Hate. They set everything on fire. The notebooks burn. I wonder if I ever hated more.
Pain. I wonder if I can get out of here. I can not move. I wonder why. Their weapons are new.
I wonder where they came from. They all looked like the last ink source. They took the last ink source with them. I wonder why. They do not write.
I wonder if I ever hated more.

I wonder if I ever felt more pain.

I wonder what will happen.

I wonder what they left here.

I wo

[ZeeAk]

That was, simply put, one of the most engrossing stories I've ever read. Not just on Newgrounds, I mean in general.
Really, I can only pick out little things that really have nothing to do with the content of the story, such as the way you overuse blocks of hyphens to separate out the different journal entries. There's also at least one instance that I picked up where you write it's instead of its, which you do correctly every other time.
Overall, I was very impressed. At first, I wondered whether having the opening two paragraphs the same every time was necessary, but the repetition definitely works. The way you slowly revealed what the ink sources are was incredible, and I absolutely adored that. The protagonist's descent into madness and, eventually, death, was a brilliant read.
Thank you for posting this. I'd love to read more of what you've written.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

First, I love the concept. The way that you repeat the idea of recursive wondering is extremely effective without being superfluous. This is amplified by how the last line of the story was "I wo." Ending it that way punctuates the entire idea and wraps it up well because it was a good way of getting two ideas across at the same time.

I also love the symbolism of the ink worsening and the protagonist's emotional reaction to it. Not only does that add to the depth of the story, but it also adds depth to the character. It also makes him somewhat more dynamic, which I think is critical because the character dynamics here, I think, are the weaker parts of the story. The change in his treatment of the ink sources also helps alleviate the dynamics issue. Though, I still think that although you have developed a good character here, in comparison to how great the other aspects of the story are, it's not as strong as it could be.

The events at the end were also a great conclusion. It intertwines internal and external conflict while remaining poignant and while retaining the symbolic, subtle mood present in the rest of the story. However, I feel as though it lasts for too small a percentage of the story. It's good that you added that conflict because up until that point, you hadn't had much, really. And I can't say that I'm fond of how you didn't have much before then because I feel like the events leading up to that point weren't reaching their potential for the exposition of the character's internal conflict. You hint at what he's wondering about, but you don't express the significance of that wonder and the impact that it has on him as a person. Additionally, I feel like that since you put such an emphasis on it, that the wonder should be a part of the shifts in his character more it is.

Some foreshadowing for the ending could also do some good to prevent it from seeming abrupt.

Overall, you've done a fantastic job here. The only other piece of constructive criticism that I have is that although I like the repetition of the first paragraph and I especially like how you didn't repeat it for the very last section, I don't think that you should repeat the second paragraph. I think that it's superfluous to do so. Your reader has already read it and since it's an extension of the first paragraph, the ideas that it contains are expressed well enough by the first paragraph. Having it there only causes the reader to read what they don't need to.

[TheFarseer]

Just an absolutely brilliant piece of work. The author's comments slowly degrading to reveal the dark complexity of his "ink sources" was so fun to read. Hope you make more.

[davaca]

I'm slightly intimidated by the positive response. Thanks, guys.

When I write, it's mostly in Dutch, so I won't be able to share here. From now on, I'll try to write in English a bit more. I only did so here because I wanted to try something for the jam, but it grew, as it goes.

[DeftAndEvil]

Well, honestly, I was going to pass off your story because a) I read the title ("titleless" is not a word, its untitled lol, similar mistakes appear in your story, but I guess it's a translation issue) and b) some of the awkward formatting (how the hell do people do a long break with hyphens, I've seen it before but when I've done it, it comes out like the OP's. Weird).

Anyway, the story was, as many have stated before, really good. The concept is great and I enjoyed the psychological aspect. Quick note: the recurring two paragraphs became annoying and I ended up skipping it. I doubt your guy is like Sammy Jankis (Memento reference) so you need to find a way to go about that. Make it more concise, or change it up slightly each time.

On the contrary to Insert, I believe that the writing was not subtle enough. The revelation to the reader that he uses blood as ink came way too early and quickly. That was the real shocker; you climaxed too soon. (Hm, I'll stop using "that's what she said"-isms) Furthermore, I don't really think characterization is a problem at all here. I believe (you may differ lol) that short stories should be mainly about plot and insight (500 words or so is not enough for character development). You definitely got both down. I've never read anything like this before, and I got that awesome feeling when experiencing something new/fresh, through a literary/artistic medium (first time I saw Memento, or Quentin Tarantino). The insight to the main character through his journals keep it exciting and offers a chance to analysis, a difficult feat.

I agree with Insert though that the ending was rather abrupt (Note: you are missing an em dash here, it should be "I wo-- if you are going for a smash cut ending, or I wonder... for a cyclical ending [a la "Illustrated man" {the story, not the book}] or a cliff hanger). However, that isn't the problem. The build-up/escalation of tension was lost/ineffective through the refrains. Also, it felt like the ending also arose out of an external restraint (I mean like you ran out of time/space, or just wanted to end the story).

That brings me to the main complaint of your story: the concept is highly original, and I commend you, but that is also a weakness. Repetition is an inherent flaw, and the story becomes too repetitive and boring. The writing style is too direct, and repetitive. Too many "I wonder"s, "it"s, "that"s and helping/to be verbs. Try using elevated language without the reader noticing it, and maybe use some different sentence structure (compound/complex sentences etc.)

Anyway, good job.