Vivid

[buttonboy]

A poem of mine, written just moments ago. Feel free to critique as it will be much appreciated, whether negative or not.

How do you sleep, eyes opened or closed? Ears opened or closed? Senses opened or closed?

I have slept many times, and I've slept many ways. Dreams can be humorous, distant, terrifying, long, short, and even beautiful.

I'm laying on grass, I can feel every single blade of it and the moist dew, I assume it's morning. I feel a gentle wind roll over my soft skin and hear the susurration of the wind, caressing my ear lobes tenderly in passing. I've yet to open my eyes, yet, I see countless possibilities in the vastness I Feel Surround Me.

Slowly, I stir from what must have been a deep sleep, my eyes open and I squint to assuage the pain caused by blinding vivid sunlight. It's too much to take in. A beautiful landscape. Mountain ranges that cover miles, rivers that flow with elegance yet viciousness, animals of every kind. It all lays before me. I'm humbled by the pulchritude of every little detail in front of these eyes...

I list effortlessly to the nearest tree and softly place my palm on it, feeling the rough bark against my supple skin, taking note of the fragrance of fresh trees. The boon of mother nature.

Walking slowly down a steep slope and to the edge of a rather large drop, I think to myself, "I feel close", without warning I leap from the edge and feel the wind whip my face as the ground draws closer in an instant. The floor is hurtling towards me, I'm not scared. Impact is made and I bounce, the softness of my mattress telling me I've arrived, back in the real world. Yet another dream short-lived.

[Nylsa]

Ha, you have an interesting piece of work here! Although I am not sure if this is really a poem, since it feels more like a short story...

It's always sad when someone has to wake up from a good dream, though...

Keep up the good work!

[buttonboy]

At 1/12/11 10:55 PM, Nylsa wrote: Ha, you have an interesting piece of work here! Although I am not sure if this is really a poem, since it feels more like a short story...

It's always sad when someone has to wake up from a good dream, though...

Keep up the good work!

It had crossed my mind, although the line between the two may seem vague, a sense of rhythm and emotion define a poem, not just rhyming as most will assume. This is what I see as setting it apart from short stories; it's all down to personal definition. :) Thank you for the kind words.

[ZeeAk]

At 1/12/11 10:46 PM, buttonboy wrote: A poem of mine, written just moments ago. Feel free to critique as it will be much appreciated, whether negative or not.

You say here that you think it's a poem, and I can see that you've written it that way at the beginning, but it quickly becomes a short story.

How do you sleep, eyes opened or closed? Ears opened or closed? Senses opened or closed?

What I mean by the above statement is best exemplified with this opening line. 'How do you sleep, eyes opened or closed' is a sentence that in its current form is incorrect within the framework of a short story. However, if we bare in the mind the conventions of a poem, it's allowable; the comma in this case replaces where the next line would be begin.
My other issue with this segment is that your eyes and senses cannot be opened or closed. I understand that it's metaphorical, but it doesn't make sense. You don't choose to turn off your eyes or your senses.

I have slept many times, and I've slept many ways. Dreams can be humorous, distant, terrifying, long, short, and even beautiful.

Here's an example of how a sentence would be in a short story. You don't seem to be able to pick a medium that you want to focus on, instead flirting between the two and creating an unfortunately convoluted mess.
In reference to the actual section, the list doesn't have the poignancy that is should. You're making a statement about dreams, and you want the final point to be emphasised. The way it reads now is just as a simple list, not as a strong statement.
long, short; they can even be beautiful would deliver that emphasis.

I'm laying on grass, I can feel every single blade of it and the moist dew, I assume it's morning. I feel a gentle wind roll over my soft skin and hear the susurration of the wind, caressing my ear lobes tenderly in passing. I've yet to open my eyes, yet, I see countless possibilities in the vastness I Feel Surround Me.

Again, the first sentence is trying to be a poem, but the rest just reads like a short story. The easiest way to rectify this is to simply change the piece of a short story. You've already got the foundations in place, it just requires some very minor changes. All you have to do in the opening sentence is delete the 'I'm'.
In the last sentence, you also overuse the word 'yet'.

Slowly, I stir from what must have been a deep sleep, my eyes open and I squint to assuage the pain caused by blinding vivid sunlight. It's too much to take in. A beautiful landscape. Mountain ranges that cover miles, rivers that flow with elegance yet viciousness, animals of every kind. It all lays before me. I'm humbled by the pulchritude of every little detail in front of these eyes...

Your pacing becomes awkward here, because if the character is only just awaking from a deep sleep, the previous paragraph would have been impossible to describe; they wouldn't be aware of it, unless you're doing an Inception-style dream within a dream. In this case, though, that's unnecessary. But if it's what you've tried to do, I'm sorry, but you've failed at it.
My other two issues with this segment are word choices. Using 'vivid' after 'blinding' is redundant, as they mean similar things. Also, if the sunlight is blinding, he's not able to see, meaning he can't ascertain its 'vividness.' Saying 'pulchritude' is also a way of shoehorning in a big, descriptive word. It doesn't lend anything to story.

I list effortlessly to the nearest tree and softly place my palm on it, feeling the rough bark against my supple skin, taking note of the fragrance of fresh trees. The boon of mother nature.

He leans effortlessly to the nearest tree? I don't think so.
This should also be one sentence, with the full stop between 'trees' and 'the boon' becoming a semi-colon.

Walking slowly down a steep slope and to the edge of a rather large drop, I think to myself, "I feel close", without warning I leap from the edge and feel the wind whip my face as the ground draws closer in an instant. The floor is hurtling towards me, I'm not scared. Impact is made and I bounce, the softness of my mattress telling me I've arrived, back in the real world. Yet another dream short-lived.

Your monologue here is out of place, and grammatically incorrect. Direct speech is formatted like so:
to the edge of a rather large drop.
"I feel close," I think to myself.
Before you say that it's not direct speech, you're wrong. He's directly addressing himself.
In that same sentence - actually immediately succeeding it - is another issue. If you're going to keep it incorrectly formatted your way, it should read:
"I feel close," leaping without warning
If you were to fix both these issues, it would read:
"I feel close," I think to myself. I leaped, without warning
Also, your use of the word 'floor' is awkward, because cliffs don't tend to be associated with floors. Though, I like the way you've alluded to it being a dream, but the final sentence is too weak to really convey his disappointment over the dream having ended.

[buttonboy]

At 1/13/11 02:31 AM, ZeeAk wrote:

At 1/12/11 10:46 PM, buttonboy wrote:

Thank you so much for the input! I appreciate what you've said :) It was a new sort of style for me and I wasn't sure how to go about it, although, I can safely assume I've not done as well as I'd hoped.

Of course I'd meant the opening and closing of senses to be viewed as something you can just turn off in a dream, making the theme more accessible..

Yeah, I noticed how it had become more of a short story, as opposed to the desired product, a unique poem.. I'm going to make the changes you've suggested and reform it.

Would drift be a better word to use in place of list? I'm not sure why I used it O.o and as for the full stop after trees, I used it purposely, not knowing what else to put there, it felt like the right thing to do for what I wanted to say.

The last paragraph will need to be changed then. I wanted the last line to convey a real sense of disappointment, but I was too tired to think and couldn't use my brain properly.. I'm not really that good at English but I have tried.

Again, thanks so much for the input, I'm hoping I can improve and look less like a novice thus forth.

[ZeeAk]

At 1/13/11 11:47 AM, buttonboy wrote: Thank you so much for the input! I appreciate what you've said :) It was a new sort of style for me and I wasn't sure how to go about it, although, I can safely assume I've not done as well as I'd hoped.

Absolutely no problem. There's no shame in trying something new and not nailing it right on the head the first time. Practice makes perfect.

Of course I'd meant the opening and closing of senses to be viewed as something you can just turn off in a dream, making the theme more accessible..

I understand that. It was just a strange choice of words. You could say, instead of opening and closing, 'phasing in and out of an acute awareness of my senses'.

Would drift be a better word to use in place of list? I'm not sure why I used it O.o and as for the full stop after trees, I used it purposely, not knowing what else to put there, it felt like the right thing to do for what I wanted to say.

Drift would be a much better word choice. For one, people instantly know that drifting is related to movement, as opposed to an uncommon use of 'list' to describe motion.

The last paragraph will need to be changed then. I wanted the last line to convey a real sense of disappointment, but I was too tired to think and couldn't use my brain properly.. I'm not really that good at English but I have tried.

In response to your last sentence; "You're not an aspiring writer. You're not a wannabe writer. You're either a writer, or you're not."
Yes, you have tried, but don't say that you're 'not really that good at English.' You're better half of the BBS, simply because you can spell correctly, and write a proper sentence.

Again, thanks so much for the input, I'm hoping I can improve and look less like a novice thus forth.