War of Mages

[Gangstercake]

War of Mages (A Serious Story about Magic)

As the clouds invaded the sun, the area became the domain of darkness. The tortured sky began to shed tears. The armies on both sides marched forward; one in red trimmed with gold and its opponent blue trimmed with green. The eyes of every man and woman almost appeared ablaze with determination. When the earth was shot with lightning, an orgy of war ripped into existence. The wizards and witches called their familiars; some alive, some dead, and some were tortured into the agony of being. A squad of red pyromancers slid down a dirt hill to burn their magic into the bodies of those in blue. As the flames turned them to ashes, the fiery mages began to leak water from their eyes. In another part of this hell, by the will of some sick god of luck, the two generals spotted each other in the melee. The man in crimson fixed a fierce gaze on the woman in navy. When she returned the glare, their bodies lit up as the summoned the arcane forces. The man directed a glowing finger towards the woman and released a beam of light. The woman gathered her hands and brought a square shield into reality. The red general propelled himself towards the shield, drawing his burning blade to destroy the obstacle protecting his enemy. The blue commander dodged to the side and in turn, released a deck of shining cards from within the sleeves of her uniform. The luminous rectangles sought out their master's adversary and buried themselves in the flesh of his back. The red general's eyes widened immensely and he descended to the earth. As the woman in blue looked upon him, his eyes flashed open and he unleashed a radiant laser from his finger to her heart. Her eyes grew cloudy and she smiled a sad smile, as though she were glad that the man in red was the one to end her life. The crimson leader gently picked up the silent woman and carried her through the now silent battlefield back to his army.

Author's Note: I first submitted this for the Story Contest but I liked it so much I wanted everyone on the writing forum to read and review it. So I made another post of this here because I don't believe it's against the rules.

[ZeeAk]

You create some powerful, vivid imagery right at the beginning, which does a great job of creating that ugly backdrop for war. Though, given that magic is the main focus, it feels more like a fleeting skirmish than a fully fledged battle of forces.
One example of this is the fact that only two actual confrontations are described; the attack by the fire mages, and the altercation between the two generals.

You've really got a lot of potential with this concept, but the length has let you down. It doesn't feel as epic as it should.
Another niggling issue I have is that using magic is often a cop-out for orchestrating actual battles, and it seems to be the case here. To properly use magic in a story, and have it be interesting and engaging, you need to set limitations. Eragon and its sequels did this pretty well, but you've got none of that. The generals, in particular, just pull out completely random abilities like the cards and the laser. It feels almost hollow; more for the spectacle than an actual storytelling device.

[TheFarseer]

Great imagery, but the above commenter addressed all the main issues. Coming from someone who also has been trying to create a fantasy epic, you need to just sit to down and try to imagine how the things in your universe work. Does magic come from within or from an outside source? Was the forces of this magic everpresent or recent? You mentioned pyromancers, that implies their are elements/factions of magic, what are the other factions? Your off to an amazing start. You got the picture, now just fill in the details to make it great.