Waiting.

[Dr-Nefarious]

Last one for now. Yippy.

Waiting

She'll be home any minute now. I'm crouched in the dark, out of sight of the front door. It has been silent for a few minutes now all that can be heard is the muffled traffic outside, very quiet zooms of cars passing by.
I've been planning this for weeks. The moment is finally here and she won't even see it coming. She gets off work at the University at around 4:30pm. It takes about 20 minutes for her to get home most days, depending on the traffic. It's a Tuesday today so the traffic should be normal.
It's dark in the house. The only source of light is a ray shining through the window. I can see dust particles in the ray and a Vanity Fair magazine is visible in the light, on the arm of a chair.
I feel a tickle in my throat and cough. The sound echoes through the house. I might be coming down with a cold.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when she gets home. Weeks of planning will be paid off. I get more and more excited thinking about it. I've got a long knife in my hand to be used later.

I can hear the car pull into the driveway. Her muffled music from the car radio gets turned off and the car door shuts. Footsteps coming up the driveway and walkway. I hear a jingling of keys and the key being slid into the lock. It turns and unlocks the door. She opens it and-
"SURPRISE!" we all yell and jump up, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
"Oh my god!" she exclaims and starts laughing and looks around at everyone in the room. "Everyone's here! Honey, is this what you've been so distant for over the weeks?" she asks smiling. "To be honest I was getting kind of worried." She blushed.
"Awe, come here," I say in a sympathetic tone and kiss her on the lips. Yum, strawberry. "Now, come on, sweetie," I hold the knife up, "let's cut the cake!"

[ZeeAk]

At 1/10/11 12:22 AM, Dr-Nefarious wrote: It has been silent for a few minutes now all that can be heard is the muffled traffic outside, very quiet zooms of cars passing by.

I think you're missing either a word, a semi-colon or a full stop here.

The end is a pleasant surprise, but it comes off a little weak. To me, anyway.
My biggest concern is your use of full stops to break up your sentences. It really takes the flow that you could so easily achieve, and bashes its poor skull against a wall until it doesn't recognise its own face anymore. That might sound a bit brutal, and harsh, but it's really something that's so easily fixed.
Using current tense also seems a little strange. It doesn't tend to lend itself to stories very well, as in a story you're usually recounting events, which is naturally past tense.
You've got some awkward sentence structure which, while not overpowering, is slightly off-putting.

That said, the way you foreshadowed it as a stalking and potential killing is cool, but the reveal could be a little more suspenseful.

[Dr-Nefarious]

Yeah I need to edit all these stories except my first one, I just wrote them and typed them up as is. Thanks for the advice :D

[ZeeAk]

At 1/10/11 11:06 AM, Dr-Nefarious wrote: Yeah I need to edit all these stories except my first one, I just wrote them and typed them up as is. Thanks for the advice :D

I had a read of all your others, and they have essentially the same problems. That's not to say that they're terrible, because they're definitely not. But nothing's perfect, and I'm just trying to help you get better as a writer.
No problem, mate.