Writing Project

[HighWay]

So I have to type a story for my forensics class about a crime scene and be really detailed about it. I just need a few people to read over it and see if there is anything that I need to change or add (keep in mind that it is not finished) .

It was a sunny afternoon in the quiet, little gated community of Pine Ridge. Kids were outside playing and others were getting an afternoon jog in. There people having a picnic in the local park. The entire neighborhood was protected by a thick and beautiful forest. Just beyond that were large gates that no one has ever been able to overcome. The residents had nothing to worry about. All was quiet. All was calm.

In one of the houses in the back part of the neighborhood, there was a large mansion owned by the daughter of the founder of the community, Rachel Hammond. Her father is a very successful real estate agent with loads of money. So much in fact, that she had her house custom built, and had the money to afford it, and then some. There were 3 stories of antique Victorian design all throughout the house, including the basement. It was a wedding present from her father. Rachel lived there with her newly married husband Sebastian Dubois, whom she met on a recent trip to France. Sebastian was a wine maker working for his father's winery back in the French hills. When Rachel first laid eyes on him, she knew that he was the one.

Rachel has had two marriages prior to marrying Sebastian, or Sebasty as she calls him, and was widowed both times only a few months after they were married. She is hoping that she can make this one stay around for longer. They have been living in the mansion for almost a month now and everything was perfect. Sebastian loves living in America despite the language barrier and cannot get enough of it. One could say he is like a little kid in a candy store living here with Rachel. And it was likewise for Rachel as well; she couldn't get enough of Sebastian. She wanted to spend every second with him like it would be her last. Their marriage was like the things that fairy tales are made of. Well, almost.

Ever since Sebastian moved to America, he cannot get enough of the American beer. Thusly, he became sort of an alcoholic. Now Rachel didn't mind it, just as long as he could keep control of himself. However, as she tolerated her husband's drinking, in the back of her mind she grew more and more worried about him. She tries to push it back as if nothing could go wrong. But she cannot stop thinking that something bad is going to happen to her Sebasty and one night, that nightmare of hers came true.

On a cold November night, sometime around Thanksgiving, Sebastian was out to get some things to cook for the big feast. He said that he would go to Wal-Mart so it would only take a few minutes when he left at 4 in the afternoon. but now its almost 10 in the evening and Rachel was worried beyond belief. She tried to calm her self down by having a glass of wine and telling herself that Sebastian is okay. But it wasn't okay, at least in her mind. Rachel finally broke and she called the police to file a missing person's report.

[HighWay]

Here's a little more.

The local police were having sort of a busy day so they were a little slow answering the phone and every second longer she waited, the more and more worried Rachel became and began start tearing up at all the things that could have happened to her Sebastian. But when the police finally picked up, she let out a big sigh. When she tried to talk she began to choke up a bit, yet she finally caught the breath she needed to talk into the phone. Rachel told them everything that they needed to know, hung up the phone and leaned her back up against the wall. She began sliding down the wall, starting to cry, and ending up on the floor with her head in her hands bawling her eyes out. The headquarters gave the information to Jordan Brown and his top-notch investigative team and sent him out to search Sebastian's last known location, Wal-Mart. The police got a call not to long ago about a murder at the same store that they were going to search about half an hour before Rachel called, but no one though it could've been the same person.

When Jordan and his squad arrived at the store they found it to be closed off because of the murder, as expected. Yet what wasn't expected is that the team that was on the murder case said that the person they identified to be the victim was the same person as his team was looking for. Then first thing that came to Jordan's mind was that telling the news to Rachel was going to be tough. Jordan had to make a decision; either to stay and investigate the scene, or to break the news to Rachel. He never had to make a choice between his work and his emotions before, but he thought the sooner he tells her, the better it will be for everyone. So Jordan told his team to investigate the place while he went to tell Rachel the news. He then drove over to her house as quickly as he could, trying not to let her have to grieve any longer.

[HighWay]

Few more paragraphs and I should be done.

It was now nearing midnight when Jordan knocked on the door. He took a deep breath, swallowed his emotions, and Rachel opened the door and invited him into her home. Rachel was now a little more stable than when she called the police to report that Sebastian was missing. But her brief moment of peace was short lived when Jordan told her that they found that Sebastian had been murdered.

Back at the crime scene, Jordan's investigative team was searching the entire store for clues. One of the investigators was asking people what they saw so he can get an idea of what the murderer looked and what he was wearing. The others were searching the isle Sebastian's dead corpse was found in for anything they could use to identify the killer. The didn't find much out of place other than the fact there was a dead body lying in the middle of the store, but they did find a bat that was lying next to Sebastian. Upon further examination of the bat, they found four fingerprints and some blood. After searching what could be the possible murder weapon, the investigators found some fragments of a dark green shirt and black denim jeans. They also found some stands of dark brown hair not far from where the fragments of clothes were found. Sebastian's hair was a blonde color, so this could indicate that there was a struggle between Sebastian and the murderer. With all the information that the investigators collected, the could now build a profile of Sebastian's killer.

After all the further investigation of the body and its surroundings, the figured the approxament time of death to be around 6pm, two hours after he left his house. Now they have a time frame that the murder could have happened, and possibly narrow down suspects. The people investigating the body met up with the one questioning the people, and the information that they both found matched up perfectly. Now it was time to call Jordan to get him over to the Wal-Mart and fill him in on all the details.

[TheFarseer]

You defiantly got the length down, which is an accomplishment in these parts. In terms of detail I thought you did quite well.

[Brandonhazswag]

One thing. The police wouldn't go to the store for a missing person report, you can't file one before 24 hours passes and the missing person still isn't there. Plus, instead "Investigation og body" you say autopsy, because that's where they find the information of when the victim died. Plus it's quickers. Other than those and a few typos, your good.