Script for Short

[ComicJake]

Alright Newgrounds! Here is my first script EVER! I am working on a bigger and better script but it is on hold till I finish signing up for college. But after drinking about 2 monsters I came up with a script that is based off a joke I do in my stand-up act. And I am posting it here in this forum. Tell me what you think.

Asshole Always Win?
By Jake Yarbrough
Based on real events
01/07/2011

Characters:
Thomas: Nerdy college student avg height and kind of chubby. Brown hair and wears glasses. His down fall right now is he can't get passed the friend zone.

John: College student that like to go clubbing and is ok with the ladies. He is the perfect wingman. Short and has a beard. Known to always wear a hat. His hair is blonde.

Jake: A alcoholic college student who is an asshole. Has brown hair and is 6ft 2in. He has a Mohawk. He is known to be in good shape for a skinny guy.

Random Girl: Some college hottie.

Scene: Inside 3 room apartment that looks like the apartment of 3 single men. 2 characters, Thomas and John, sitting on couch in the living room watch daytime television trying to drown the sound of sex coming out of their roommate's room, Jake.

Thomas: Why does Jake always have to bring women here? Why doesn't he go to their house?
John: You're just mad because you don't ever bring any girls home.
Thomas: I don't bring girls home because I don't want to interrupt yawls day with the sound of..

Thomas is then interrupted by Random Girl.
Random Girl: (moans and screams) YES! OH GOD YES!

Thomas cont.: that.
John: I don't think I ever seen you with a chick you weren't stuck in the friend zone with.

Jake: (yells) Who likes to call me big papa?
Random Girl: (screams) I DO BIG PAPA!

Thomas: I am working my way up the chain. I am not like you and Jake who just sleeps with random bimbos.
John: And your conquest of getting laid continues!
Thomas: Does Jake still play that game after sex?

Jake: (yells) AHH!!

John then pulls out a stopwatch and hits a button
Everything gets quiet for a second; then the Random Girl runs out of the room, holding her clothes to cover herself, running pass the living room straight to the door and runs out of the apartment. John again hits a button on the stopwatch.
Jake then enters the living room with a towel around his waist.

Jake: Time?
John looks at the stopwatch

John: 4 seconds.
Jake: That's a new record!
Thomas: What did you do this time?
Jake: Well after sex I put my ear up to her vagina, and when she ask me what I was doing, I said I can hear the ocean.
End Scene

[ComicJake]

The game after sex is called, How Fast You Can Get a Chick to Hate You.

[Gangstercake]

I liked this but I'm going to be honest, this sounds like its straight from the webcomic Least I Could Do. I don't mean to be an asshole but this is almost outright copying. I suggest you take a look at the comic to see what I mean.

[ComicJake]

At 1/8/11 11:47 PM, Gangstercake wrote: I liked this but I'm going to be honest, this sounds like its straight from the webcomic Least I Could Do. I don't mean to be an asshole but this is almost outright copying. I suggest you take a look at the comic to see what I mean.

That is a problem with most comedy writing. If you ever have an idea, someone might have thought of it. Happen to 2 comedians I know. They never knew each other but were doing almost the same joke. Well if you look at this writing too, it is very generic idea for the character setup. If you have a story with characters where one gets laid all the time and one does not, you would write something like this. I will look at the webcomic, but I did not copy anything. Thank you for pointing this out.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 1/10/11 01:27 PM, ComicJake wrote:

Well if you look at this writing too, it is very generic idea for the character setup. If you have a story with characters where one gets laid all the time and one does not, you would write something like this.

That is the main fault with this. It isn't funny at all and you are right: everything about this script is generic. It also seems a bit underdeveloped and I don't really know where you can go from here without encountering the same problems.

[susanexpress]

A short script maybe is difficult to judge. Anyway, a good try. BTW, comedy is difficult to manage. :)

[ComicJake]

Thank guys for the input. It is underdeveloped only because I drank 2 monsters and wrote it. So I knew it would be kinda generic.