Would you read my story? It's long.

[SSJDre]

Hi, this is my first official posting to the forums, which is said because I've been a member of Newgrounds for almost 7 years (it will be official on December 10th). Alright, this story I actually started working on back when I was 19. It originally started out as a video game idea, but I soon realized that the idea was far too advanced at the time, but even still, I kept moving the story along. I've worked it all the way up to I think 7 games, written out. Anyhow, I finally turned the first installment into the series into a story, which I had to change some things, not a whole lot, and add in details. After I completed the story, I posted it to a website. I didn't get very many reviews, but people so far, have liked it. Now I'm daring myself to get my Newgrounds brothers and sisters to read it. I'm currently working through the second installment, as well as a few fanfics and whatever other projects I can get myself linked to. So here I come, laying my pride on the line to see if I really am good with writing and creating stories.

To give you a brief summary, the story is called Bloodstorm, the first installment is "The Potential Within". This story follows two boys, Andre, named after myself, and Deonta, named after my best friend, and a man named Sasuke Soshimatsu. Sasuke has done some research and found out that the boys were bearers of "Accursed Elements". These elements are actual deities to themselves, demons if you will, sleeping dormant inside the boys. There are actually 7 "Accursed Elements" which are related to the 7 Deadly Sins, as well as 7 "Angelic Elements", related to the 7 Heavenly Virtues, though they don't all play any major points in this installment only the two that Andre and Deonta have. Anyway, Sasuke make attempts to draw out their dark powers and to turn them into ruthless killing machines, only to have them fight him, so he can prepare himself for a certain man who defeated him a in an unforgiving battle, only fueling his desire for the darkness held within.

That's about as thorough a summary I can give without giving up too much info. Anyway, I'll provide the link to the reader friendly version, and you can tell me what you think, either chapter by chapter, or once you've read the whole of the story. And like I said, it's kind of long, it's got 10 chapters, and by no means are any of the chapters short. So here you go:

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2866202/1/
Bloodstorm_The_Potential_Within

Thanks in advance for those you read through this whole post and are willing to read the story.

[SteveDude64]

Is this a script?

[SSJDre]

It's not exactly a script though I choose that format to write it, in the case that I can get it turned into a comic, and with the hopes that I could progress it to being made into a movie. It also made it easier for me to write it, not having to used the "he said, she said". It is however, still a story, just with an unusual format.

[DeftAndEvil]

Well, I didn't read you story, so I can't comment/criticize it. But I read your synopsis and I'll tell you what I think:

I don't really like it. Bloodstorm. Really? I can't take you seriously there. Sounds like another violent and banally written story sorta like, well I don't really watch anime, but some of the anime I've seen on adultswim looks like it could be called Bloodstorm. The usage of the 7 deadly sins and 7 heavenly virtues has been done already. In fact, there was a guy not too long ago who was writing a story about the personifications (wrong word) of the 7 deadly sins/heavenly virtues. The fact that you introduce them and somehow manage to leave them out from a 10 chapter story (which according to you is really long) seems awkward and confusing. You named the characters after you and your friend? Why not give them names that fit the situation, since I assume this takes place in Japan since the antagonist is named Sasuke. The plot makes no sense. Also, the conflict you describe here seems really clumsy and convoluted (maybe it's because I didn't read your story, reread what you wrote and tell me it makes sense).

Well, sorry I couldn't give you any real insight, but that's what I think.

[tinytim12]

Example:

FRED: I hate you!

As opposed to

Fred screamed, 'I hate you!'

See which one is more effective in communicating Fred's hate?

You could do this instead:

FRED(angrily): I hate you!

By the way, having a character shout out the name of his attack won't win over any mature audiences.

[SSJDre]

At 12/10/10 02:44 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote: Well, I didn't read you story, so I can't comment/criticize it. But I read your synopsis and I'll tell you what I think:

I don't really like it. Bloodstorm. Really? I can't take you seriously there. Sounds like another violent and banally written story sorta like, well I don't really watch anime, but some of the anime I've seen on adultswim looks like it could be called Bloodstorm. The usage of the 7 deadly sins and 7 heavenly virtues has been done already. In fact, there was a guy not too long ago who was writing a story about the personifications (wrong word) of the 7 deadly sins/heavenly virtues. The fact that you introduce them and somehow manage to leave them out from a 10 chapter story (which according to you is really long) seems awkward and confusing. You named the characters after you and your friend? Why not give them names that fit the situation, since I assume this takes place in Japan since the antagonist is named Sasuke. The plot makes no sense. Also, the conflict you describe here seems really clumsy and convoluted (maybe it's because I didn't read your story, reread what you wrote and tell me it makes sense).

Well, sorry I couldn't give you any real insight, but that's what I think.

Alright, I've read what you wrote, and I'll say I'm disappointed that you didn't at least read part of it. And as I've stated in my summary, the rest of the sins and virtues aren't all covered in this installment in the story, it's only the first installment, if I covered everything in the first installment, then why would I make it a series? I know the name itself isn't all that wonderful, but it fits the story. I appreciate that you had something to say, but not the fact that you would comment on something and not actually real the story itself. That's like giving a review of a restaurant without actually eating there. Look, I'm asking that you please at last give the story itself a try, if you don't like it, then you don't like it, but then you could give a more insightful review. And yes, there is a character named Sasuke, but that doesn't mean that the story has to take place in Japan, people can't travel to different countries? A summary isn't supposed to give you there story, just some of the things it covers, an idea of what you will read. Thanks anyway for at least commenting.

[SSJDre]

At 12/10/10 04:30 AM, tinytim12 wrote: Example:

FRED: I hate you!

As opposed to

Fred screamed, 'I hate you!'

See which one is more effective in communicating Fred's hate?

You could do this instead:

FRED(angrily): I hate you!

By the way, having a character shout out the name of his attack won't win over any mature audiences.

I guess you haven't seen a lot of authentic Japanese anime, which is partly where the inspiration for the story comes from. As you read further into the story, I have actually placed words in parenthesis to either convey an emotion/mood as well as changing the way certain things are written to convey thought. I think I failed to do it a bit in the first few chapters, but it should be more apparent further down, and if I didn't make it so, that was a mistake. I also said that the story was similar to that of Street Fighter and Fatal Fury, and in both stories/movies/games/ characters call out the names of their moves, more or less their signature moves. My characters don't do it with every move that they do, only ones that are their signature moves, and not even all of those. Thanks for commenting though.

[DeftAndEvil]

If some stranger said to me: "go to this restaurant, there is food. There is meat, vegetables, beverages;" you can't really expect me to eat there, right? (analogies cut both ways). Your synopsis wasn't enough to interest me in story. I don't know if you were trying not to give the story away, but the summary was not very good, to put it bluntly/

[SSJDre]

At 12/12/10 02:52 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote: If some stranger said to me: "go to this restaurant, there is food. There is meat, vegetables, beverages;" you can't really expect me to eat there, right? (analogies cut both ways). Your synopsis wasn't enough to interest me in story. I don't know if you were trying not to give the story away, but the summary was not very good, to put it bluntly/

I really was trying to avoid putting out the more interesting details of the story, figuring just a general overview would work. Let me rethink and rewrite it, then comment from there. And the way you turned my analogy against in this instance almost doesn't quite work. I was asking for a reviews, yes, but even restaurants do that. So if I own one, and I ask from a group of people who do restaurant reviews to review my food, but someone doesn't even come in and they tell me my food is bad, then how should I feel? That was my point with the analogies. Whether you came from the review discussion or not I am uncertain, but even the title of my posting is "Would You Read My Story? It's Long.". Wouldn't it have been simpler and less abrasive to just say, you summary didn't make me want to read it, could you please try making it more interesting for me? If you had done that, then I probably wouldn't have taken the comment so personally I suppose. I can be understanding, and I would have felt better about what you said, which would have in turn, gotten to rewrite the summary sooner.

[Brandonhazswag]

Yeah, I always come up with ideas for video games. They are fun to do. The theme, however, isn't something I'm exaclty interested in, and some sounds cliche.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 12/12/10 03:08 AM, SSJDre wrote:

I really was trying to avoid putting out the more interesting details of the story, figuring just a general overview would work. Let me rethink and rewrite it, then comment from there. And the way you turned my analogy against in this instance almost doesn't quite work. I was asking for a reviews, yes, but even restaurants do that. So if I own one, and I ask from a group of people who do restaurant reviews to review my food, but someone doesn't even come in and they tell me my food is bad, then how should I feel?

Well let us continue with the analogy!

I never said your story was bad, I said your summary was bad. If a stranger asked me to go to their restaurant and critique their food, I would say "eh, I like food, why not?" But, here's the thing: you ask me to eat all your food at the same time, failing to entice me at all. Why would I agree? So, whether your food is good or not, I will never know, but I don't feel as if I missed out on something good.

:That was my point with the analogies. Whether you came from the review discussion or not I am uncertain, but even the title of my posting is "Would You Read My Story? It's Long.". Wouldn't it have been simpler and less abrasive to just say, you summary didn't make me want to read it, could you please try making it more interesting for me?

I guess, but, you're asking me (and every NG'er who reads the post) to go to a different website (something I'm not fond of) and read a long story. I guess I could have simply said "your summary is ineffective, I don't want to read your story," but how would that have been better than what I originally said. I commented on why your synopsis wasn't good with (I believe) valid and reasonable points, and I had things like "maybe it's because I didn't read your story" or "I can't comment on this because I didn't read your story."

To say I was abrasive is going too far though. I don't feel as if I said anything bad, rather, you just got offended because I didn't read your story.

Anyway, I hate how NG has character limits, but I suggest (I feel more comfortable with this, I don't know if anyone else does) posting chapters on your profile and providing a link. At least then, I would've read chapter 1.

[SSJDre]

At 12/12/10 12:02 PM, Brandonhazswag wrote: Yeah, I always come up with ideas for video games. They are fun to do. The theme, however, isn't something I'm exaclty interested in, and some sounds cliche.

I can see how it would be cliche, it's been way more times than I can count, but each story has it's own uniqueness to it I suppose. Then again, if you're not really interested in the theme, then it probably isn't a story for you, though if you do read it, then I'd be glad to hear what you have to say.

[SSJDre]

I guess, but, you're asking me (and every NG'er who reads the post) to go to a different website (something I'm not fond of) and read a long story. I guess I could have simply said "your summary is ineffective, I don't want to read your story," but how would that have been better than what I originally said. I commented on why your synopsis wasn't good with (I believe) valid and reasonable points, and I had things like "maybe it's because I didn't read your story" or "I can't comment on this because I didn't read your story."

Alright, I've had a minute to cool my mind, and approach the topic the way that I should have from the beginning, I guess I was probably anxious in posting, and made my summary bad. But I know from the info packed into what would be the whole of my first chapter would probably be too big to post, including character profiles, as well as my small prologue, and the first full chapter itself. I will however, find the time to rewrite the summary, and actually give so of the more pulling details. I provided info, but probably the most useless info I could give into the story, not really about it's development. The story itself is separated into chapters, each chapter having it's own page, not to have someone staring at what seems to be an infinite wall of words. After I rewrite the synopsis and have given it more detail, have compiled it better, I'll await what you have to say, and if it would be something that interests you or not.

To say I was abrasive is going too far though. I don't feel as if I said anything bad, rather, you just got offended because I didn't read your story.

I apologize for that, but at the moment I saw it, it felt abrasive to me, and I took it in the wrong light. I realized your intentions were more to help me, and I saw it as belittling, more so it was my pride. I had to take myself out of the moment and just look at it with an outside eye, which when I did, I felt a bit stupid for overreacting. So again I apologize, and I hope that I haven't been too much of a shithead.

[SSJDre]

Alright, here is my redone summary, hopefully a lot better than the first. I just lump some stuff together, and even reading it myself, I felt a little put off, which I can see why people would probably not read it.

Following two young men, Andre Ratchford and Deonta Robinson, through their struggle with their inner darkness and emotions. A Japanese man by the name of Sasuke Soshimatsu, one of the World's richest men, as well as known martial artists, has taken an interest in the boys for the similarity between their powers. Having researched, Sasuke feels that they are the best candidates for his next evolution as a fighter. Thrusting Andre and Deonta into an uncontrollable situation, bound by the beast within themselves. As they fight to regain themselves, Sasuke plots and plans, only to the satisfaction of making himself stronger, feeding the dark energies that move his being. After drawing out the dark creatures from within the boys, he gets himself ready to face them, fueling his desire for the darkness within. The story is set in the Washington, DC Metropolitan Area, May of the year 2006, the battle for their conscious minds.........begins.

Now I know I left the stuff out about the elements and the sins and virtues, but I figured, it's probably not that important of a detail just yet, and I can save that for later installments, where it really takes affect. The idea for this story was originally a video game idea. Though the idea itself was inspired by a horrible game, Fighter Maker 2 on Playstation 2. I figured this would sound more interesting and make people want to read it, well at least part of it. How did I do with my revision?