An interactive story of love and adventure3.98 / 5.00 11,976 Views
Turn-based PvP Arena Battler3.92 / 5.00 4,956 Views
THE WORLD HAS BEEN INVADED BY ALIENS! It's up to a nerdy, lazy high school kid to save it!3.82 / 5.00 6,605 Views
Firstly, an apology. Yes, these results have been a long time coming and having only just gotten around to finishing them, I have the pleasure of announcing our winners.
In fifth place, with a parody of Rip Van Winkle is Narc. Van O'Lepsy, by Rabid-Animals. A man head to Best Buy, to purchase a new TV, but accidents happen and his world changes in time.
Fourth comes Firestormrules' narrative, Untitled. A third-person view of a ruined Earth and the leaving waves of Humanity, who spread to the far reaches of the galaxy, in search of more interesting things.
Our third place winner, claims $30 in Store Credit, for their trouble. Time Flight, by Squishy69. A faster than light travel malfunction causes two fighting starcraft to continue their combat across the milennia. Their combat leads to calamities, which have far reaching effects.
$30 in store credit also goes to Zombie445, for his entry, The Shift. Twins, linked thorugh time travel the world without a care for repercussion or reprisal and document parts of it with an old Polaroid camera.
Our runaway winner, also a recipient of $30 Store Credit, is Hindsight, by RapeMuffin. A reformed prisoner is sent back in time by a government sponsored agency, to test the capacity of sending living humans so far back. He ends up in first century Judea and goes by the name of Yeshua, according to archaeological finds five years after the project.
Congratulations to all who won and thank you to all who entered the contest. I am hoping to be able to post the next contest later this evening, or early tomorrow. Please stop by and hopefully take part.
If you have any ideas for future contests, or if you would like to express an interest in judging or helping to run one of these contests, please check out the MWC HQ
Obviously, please use this thread for reviews of the submissions and continued discussion.
Congrats to all of the winners. I couldn't finish my story in time for the deadline, but it would have been a difficult story to finish. Anyways, don't spend that store credit all in one place!
Congratulations to all of the winners!! :D
It was fun reading all of the entries on this. For such a (somewhat) limited topic to write on, the stories were deliciously varied in their style and theme.
Holy Freakin' Crap I made third!? Holy jeez... uh I mean, WOO-HOO!! I will definitely put those store credits to use that's for sure, but anyway, thank you SOOO much judges for selecting my story and congrats to everybody else who made it in the Top 5. This was worth the wait I must say. Still, I'm curious about how I could have done better... Any how, great job everyone!!
There is no Mercy, only DoDonPachi
At 11/1/10 04:47 PM, Rabid-Animals wrote: Coop, will you be giving reviews of the stories like you did for the last contest?
Yes, probably tomorrow - I forgot to do that today and wanted to quickly run over the stories once more, to make sure that my comments make sense.
Thanks to Coop for organizing and all the judges and participates involved! Was nice to try my hand at creative writing again, maybe I'll have to stop in on the writing forums a bit more often.
Okay, time for some reviews for people's works:
Disqualified for not reaching the word limit, but as with June, I'm going to judge it anyway. There is a good piece of conceptual writing here, kind of how some Turner Prize entrants write a blurb relating to their piece. This needs to be expanded upon to make it a viable piece, though the philosophy is a nice break from the fiction that the contest will usually surround. You wouldn't get a very good grade in an English assignment for this, so sadly, you wouldn't do too well here, either.
Disqualified for not reaching the word limit. It looks like a presentation, except for one crucial detail - this presentation would be only a minute long, which isn't enough. Make people feel small and insignificant, which you started to, but then you launched straight into the next point, which was good, but could have been expanded on a little more, without looking like you were stalling for time.
Disqualified for not reaching the word limit.
This piece has a major issue with the fact that there is just a wall of text. Even taking into account the short length of the piece, it is still daunting to see a piece that looks so condensed. You need to consider breaking your sentences up into paragraphs, otherwise the readers will feel put off before they have even begun.
Repeating the name "Jeric" over and again is not the best of tactics here. I'd suggest that you use he, him and his more often, to sotfen the piece and make it more readable. This will help greatly improve your work.
As for the story itself, I can see great potential here, but it was far too short. Give us more depth the the characters and tell more of a tale. You were in too much of a rush to publish, as you submitted it on the 3rd of July, when the contest was posted on the 1st, with a deadline of the end of the month. There is plenty of time to refine these notes on the first draft into a better working draft. I loved the concept and the idea of keeping Jeric in the medieval setting along the lines of as long as Bruce Campbell was in Evil Dead 3, would surely have worked better.
Ah, the old cause and effect tale. Somewhat of a cliche, but this piece has been done satisfyingly. There is an issue of too much clutter in the dialogue as you seem to go off on tangents, as if you're overwhelmed by the gravity of the future yourself. From the point of view of a narrator, you should be telling it so that people can understand what's going on, which would include being awestruck with some of the descriptions, not confused by them.
The separation of chapters probably could have been done using the html for the BBS, but I'll let that pass - errors with the proof reading, such as spelling Rick with a lower case "R" cannot be so easily forgiven. Giving the piece the once over and then preparing it to post may have been sufficient, though you would need to run through it with a finer comb than before - consider printing it out and using a pen to jot notes in the margin. Consider double spacing, as it would make the piece easier to read.
Well, that was certainly worth the read. A short, but simple narrative that really needs to be taken further. Introduce us to the narrator and give him some background, so we can see if he ever learns what it is that he has done so terrible that it requires such a ghastly, yet intriguing punishment. I lvoe the pacing and feel that the best way to have this go forth as a piece would be to get Richard Burton to narrate it, as per Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds.
As the piece progressed, I could feel myself gaining more of an afinity with the words of the narrator and the suspension of disbelief was incredible. What took a little away was a few issues with the sixth paragraph:
"And the rumours that they still roamed the Australian Outback, which I can tell you are completely untrue, as they didn't like the heat, destroyed the Australian economy and devastated the entire continent." This sentence needs restructuring, as the incidental tangent is a little too long. Try tacking it on at the end of the sentence and perhaps making a new paragraph afterwards.
"It is a distinctively human quality" Shouldn't that be a distinctly human quality?
If ever I get the time, I think I am going to have to come to you with a proposition, though that may be some time away at the present.
The first question that springs to mind is why are you using the asterisks for the indentations? Writing without would be fine, as no-one seems to complain when pieces get submitted without. In fact it's more annoying than leaving them out, so please consider that in future.
A decent piece, with a lot of wherefores and whytos, that really does allow us to consider what might or might not happen with the "butterfly effect", although the setting out of the piece leaves a lot to be desired. The wall of text has to go and breaking up the work with double spacing would be required, especially as you did this at the start of the piece, perhaps condensing it down for space. You were nowhere near the limit across 4 posts.
I wouldn't have gone into describing the Enid as intelligent, as this just didn't fit with the rest of the description. You were going on about how she looked and it didn't really get me into the feeling of looking at her. You may think she is intelligent, but then I've seen people that look inteligent and then shatter the illusion, just by opening their mouth. Actions speak louder than words and the intelligence would have been shown by what she says during the piece, not by you telling us that she is.
An interestinjg start with the blurb, setting the scene for what is to follow. Kind of similar to Star Wars, in the way that there feels like you've got a few paragraphs floating around in space.
What irks me about this piece was that there seems to be an issue with the past and present tenses both being blended together. Unless you're doing flashbacks (past tense), there should really only be one tense for the piece, though the little-used future tense could come into play in a genre such as Time Travel. If you have trouble with this, perhaps consider sticking to the past, as a story can easily just be told in the past tense, encompassing all aspects.
Continuity errors - how does a fire start smoking in space? Surely, it would just jet out, like ruptured gas lines, under intense pressure? In space, no air is present, so there is no way to complete the fire triangle. Though a little later on, when you crossed the fourth wall, that was a work of genius.
I think you pushed too hard for the Back to the Future cliche, with 8800 KPH, although the explanations for the burning of the Whitehouse and the destruction of the Colossus of Rhodes demonstrated a decent amount of lateral thinking on this.
While you'd come up with a decent story, great pacing and even a soundtrack, it fell apart at the ending. Referring to a "Time-Lord" and "Technomancer" was just making into another piece of fanfiction, either Doctor Who or Shadowrun, neither of which could have been cited up until those last few paragraphs. Had you come up with something original, you'd have been well in for some plaudits here, but it would seem that you lacked the conviction to finish with the aplomb that you started with.
A chilling and very moving narrative, causing reflection upon the human condition. An awesome tale, with a great use of metaphor and symbolism to get across the point that if we had access to Time Travel and it were possible, would any endeavours to change the future, by altering the past have the effects that we sought? Futility is a big key here, although being blinded by the chaos as to the true goal, you only see that once the damage is done and it is too late.
Clearly, human endeavour has something to do with making sure that people see the mistakes that they have made and trying to put them right.
Certain sentences may have been a little long, as trying to read it aloud as a narrative sounds good, though a little breathless. You have produced a very good piece, which is up there in the top drawer. Perhaps consider making some of the descriptions flow a little better, but have you considered reading this aloud, while you were writing it? It may help the issue there.
With the way that it leads into the time travel, the piece is so subtle, that you cannot realise what is taking place until it happens. Perfect for movies, as what you would see on the screen wouldn't necessarily be apparent to the viewer, as to the purpose, until it was actually used. I'd suggest that you try and find an animator willing to turn this into a flash, as it could certainly rach that far.
As with Firestormrules, I'd like to make some time for the proposition with you as well. I'll hope to hear from you soon.
Ah, the vicious circle. Crammed full of pop culture references and a pretty dry wit, this piece is pleasing, although the main protagonist appears to be worthy of a Darwin Award, for not having learned an important lesson in avoiding falling TV sets from his first trip to Best Buy.
There was a good use of footnotes, although these sometimes do get a little confusing to place, when you write. I would suggest that circumstances might be more beneficial to you when the Lit. Portal is released, as a word or pdf format would be most accommodating for this.
I'm not really sure I like the writing style of this piece, though never having read the piece that was parodied, that may be down to the writing style of Washington Irving. Observant as it may be, the parody doesn't get much towards the "Rip Van Winkle" way of being almost allergic to working. He shows no traits like this, in spite of being really desperate to get away from the wife, though that seems true from what I have heard of the tale.
An engrossing, if rather bleak and somewhat disturbing accound of one man and his desire for perfection, proof of the impossible and then the insatiable human appetite for more of it. In baseball, people say that a pitcher has pitched a "perfect game", yet not every pitch had the desired outcome. The way that this is dealt with seems to be very intricately studied and worked upon.
Perhaps the piece would have benefited from some monologuing, as Tom is clearly descendant into madness of some form. Talking to oneself in the piece would have helped to communicate to the user what was being felt, without the distortion of the piece as a whole.
Proof reading seems to be the major bugbear of this piece, with two issues highlighted below, for consideration:
"of course, that dizziness resulted in he fucking up yet another lap" This should be "him fucking up" or "that dizziness meant he to fucked up".
"He needn't proof... but knowledge. He wanted to know how back he had come." My suggestion would be "He needed no proof... but knowledge. He wanted to know how far back he had come." 4 days before the deadline is too far to blame a time-constrained rush. These little steps earn so much praise, as the mistakes are not noticeable, if they aren't there.
I can relate to your comment that writers can't do mathematics, by your own evidnce that you submitted above. To come to the conclusion that 367 minutes is 15 days is... a little out. Try the calculations again, they will be beneficial. 21,600 minutes is fifteen days. 367 minutes is 6 hours and 7 minutes ;)
In spite of the continuity error and the lack of proofing, this story is worthy of keeping. Work at it, perhaps flesh it out a little and you will be a success on the Lit. Portal, when it appears. An uncut stone, that may be very pretty, when cared for and polished up.
The mind screw. I love the way that this is portrayed, showing the tale of how something can become very confusing, even from the point of view of the observer. The cat being used to work on the variables, combined with a child that hasn't quite got a grasp of the way things work. His manerisms are interesting and the way that you considered altering the past, to make the future "right" is an interesting one, much like the card game "Chrononauts", where people correct history to their satisfaction, in order to go home, to a reality that they came from.
When you write the annotations in the middle of dialogue, you can separate these by commas. No need to end the sentence, merely close the speech marks and make your point, before starting a new sentence. For example, ""Of course," started the cat. "Let me put it as simple as it can get:"" would be the best version here, as the writing distracted from the flow, just a little, but sometimes that it all it takes.
Character descriptions could have been used to better effect, as I have little idea of the child's age, description, or why he was even in that dark room with the creepy man. These sort of question marks could have been addressed better.
An interesting concept, surrounding the fact that regardless of the influence of the time travelers, nothing changes at all. Detachment at its best, with absolutely no comeback for the main protagonists, save for the fact that they have are very detached from the real world. This detachment is shown as manifest in Dash, as he clearly has spent a lot of time traveling, which is both entralling and concerning for Jeff.
As I saw this, I got the impression that Jeff is really Dash and vice versa, as with the way that twins would seem to know something about one another in a kind of sixth sense sort of way, though this is not really covered.
A good story, that covers some interesting issues. The use of real historical figures made it more believeable, bringing a sense of completion to the proceedings and the fact that this was one of the cleaner pieces made me feel happy about reading it.
A born again Christian journeys back in time to take up the mantle of Jesus in the years around the birth of Christ. Government funded organisations get together and research into the phenomenon of Tite Travel and the best guinea pigs available are convicts, as it has worked in the past.
A lovely tale that asks a lot of questions of the human race and would certainly be capable of putting one or two conspiracy theories in place and the use of the name Yeshua is the final piece of the puzzle with that particular enigma. Perhaps you should have sent him back a little later, more around 37 AD, so that he could have moved the body and been the return of the saviour, who altered the past for the benefit of the future. The way that the past could be altered, did you consider having Tilston become Dr. Helms? That would have shown that the past had actually changed the future, though it may have caused a problems with plot holes and continuity errors.
Certainly worth expanding upon and showing us the journeys of subject A1103, also known as Yeshua. I'd be interested to see them diarised.
I appreciate the review though some of it kinda seemed harsh (only because it was so brutally honest). I will most definitely make some revisions with your words in mind, and thanks for complimenting the soundtrack!
There is no Mercy, only DoDonPachi