A chilling and very moving narrative, causing reflection upon the human condition. An awesome tale, with a great use of metaphor and symbolism to get across the point that if we had access to Time Travel and it were possible, would any endeavours to change the future, by altering the past have the effects that we sought? Futility is a big key here, although being blinded by the chaos as to the true goal, you only see that once the damage is done and it is too late.
Clearly, human endeavour has something to do with making sure that people see the mistakes that they have made and trying to put them right.
Certain sentences may have been a little long, as trying to read it aloud as a narrative sounds good, though a little breathless. You have produced a very good piece, which is up there in the top drawer. Perhaps consider making some of the descriptions flow a little better, but have you considered reading this aloud, while you were writing it? It may help the issue there.
With the way that it leads into the time travel, the piece is so subtle, that you cannot realise what is taking place until it happens. Perfect for movies, as what you would see on the screen wouldn't necessarily be apparent to the viewer, as to the purpose, until it was actually used. I'd suggest that you try and find an animator willing to turn this into a flash, as it could certainly rach that far.
As with Firestormrules, I'd like to make some time for the proposition with you as well. I'll hope to hear from you soon.
Ah, the vicious circle. Crammed full of pop culture references and a pretty dry wit, this piece is pleasing, although the main protagonist appears to be worthy of a Darwin Award, for not having learned an important lesson in avoiding falling TV sets from his first trip to Best Buy.
There was a good use of footnotes, although these sometimes do get a little confusing to place, when you write. I would suggest that circumstances might be more beneficial to you when the Lit. Portal is released, as a word or pdf format would be most accommodating for this.
I'm not really sure I like the writing style of this piece, though never having read the piece that was parodied, that may be down to the writing style of Washington Irving. Observant as it may be, the parody doesn't get much towards the "Rip Van Winkle" way of being almost allergic to working. He shows no traits like this, in spite of being really desperate to get away from the wife, though that seems true from what I have heard of the tale.
An engrossing, if rather bleak and somewhat disturbing accound of one man and his desire for perfection, proof of the impossible and then the insatiable human appetite for more of it. In baseball, people say that a pitcher has pitched a "perfect game", yet not every pitch had the desired outcome. The way that this is dealt with seems to be very intricately studied and worked upon.
Perhaps the piece would have benefited from some monologuing, as Tom is clearly descendant into madness of some form. Talking to oneself in the piece would have helped to communicate to the user what was being felt, without the distortion of the piece as a whole.
Proof reading seems to be the major bugbear of this piece, with two issues highlighted below, for consideration:
"of course, that dizziness resulted in he fucking up yet another lap" This should be "him fucking up" or "that dizziness meant he to fucked up".
"He needn't proof... but knowledge. He wanted to know how back he had come." My suggestion would be "He needed no proof... but knowledge. He wanted to know how far back he had come." 4 days before the deadline is too far to blame a time-constrained rush. These little steps earn so much praise, as the mistakes are not noticeable, if they aren't there.
I can relate to your comment that writers can't do mathematics, by your own evidnce that you submitted above. To come to the conclusion that 367 minutes is 15 days is... a little out. Try the calculations again, they will be beneficial. 21,600 minutes is fifteen days. 367 minutes is 6 hours and 7 minutes ;)
In spite of the continuity error and the lack of proofing, this story is worthy of keeping. Work at it, perhaps flesh it out a little and you will be a success on the Lit. Portal, when it appears. An uncut stone, that may be very pretty, when cared for and polished up.
The mind screw. I love the way that this is portrayed, showing the tale of how something can become very confusing, even from the point of view of the observer. The cat being used to work on the variables, combined with a child that hasn't quite got a grasp of the way things work. His manerisms are interesting and the way that you considered altering the past, to make the future "right" is an interesting one, much like the card game "Chrononauts", where people correct history to their satisfaction, in order to go home, to a reality that they came from.
When you write the annotations in the middle of dialogue, you can separate these by commas. No need to end the sentence, merely close the speech marks and make your point, before starting a new sentence. For example, ""Of course," started the cat. "Let me put it as simple as it can get:"" would be the best version here, as the writing distracted from the flow, just a little, but sometimes that it all it takes.
Character descriptions could have been used to better effect, as I have little idea of the child's age, description, or why he was even in that dark room with the creepy man. These sort of question marks could have been addressed better.
An interesting concept, surrounding the fact that regardless of the influence of the time travelers, nothing changes at all. Detachment at its best, with absolutely no comeback for the main protagonists, save for the fact that they have are very detached from the real world. This detachment is shown as manifest in Dash, as he clearly has spent a lot of time traveling, which is both entralling and concerning for Jeff.
As I saw this, I got the impression that Jeff is really Dash and vice versa, as with the way that twins would seem to know something about one another in a kind of sixth sense sort of way, though this is not really covered.
A good story, that covers some interesting issues. The use of real historical figures made it more believeable, bringing a sense of completion to the proceedings and the fact that this was one of the cleaner pieces made me feel happy about reading it.
A born again Christian journeys back in time to take up the mantle of Jesus in the years around the birth of Christ. Government funded organisations get together and research into the phenomenon of Tite Travel and the best guinea pigs available are convicts, as it has worked in the past.
A lovely tale that asks a lot of questions of the human race and would certainly be capable of putting one or two conspiracy theories in place and the use of the name Yeshua is the final piece of the puzzle with that particular enigma. Perhaps you should have sent him back a little later, more around 37 AD, so that he could have moved the body and been the return of the saviour, who altered the past for the benefit of the future. The way that the past could be altered, did you consider having Tilston become Dr. Helms? That would have shown that the past had actually changed the future, though it may have caused a problems with plot holes and continuity errors.
Certainly worth expanding upon and showing us the journeys of subject A1103, also known as Yeshua. I'd be interested to see them diarised.