My story.

[Shikamarana]

Once upon a time, there was a baker named Fred. Fred was a baker. He had a bakery. Fred the baker's bakery was called Fred the baker's bakery. One day, a girl walked into Fred the baker's bakery, Fred the baker's bakery, and she was getting married so she asked Fred the baker to make her a wedding cake. Fred talked to this lady, and they hit it off well. Her name was Ashley. Ashley became Fred's best friend and Fred developed a crush on her. One day, Ashley had a black eye and Fred asked her what happened and she said she didn't need the wedding cake anymore and then Fred said are you sure because I want you to marry me and then they got married and everyone lived happily ever after

[TheThing]

At 10/28/10 02:12 AM, Shikamarana wrote: Once upon a time, there was a baker named Fred. Fred was a baker. He had a bakery. Fred the baker's bakery was called Fred the baker's bakery. One day, a girl walked into Fred the baker's bakery, Fred the baker's bakery,

Typo.

and she was getting married so she asked Fred the baker to make her a wedding cake.

It's bake her a wedding cake.

Fred talked to this lady, and they hit it off well. Her name was Ashley. Ashley became Fred's best friend and Fred developed a crush on her. One day, Ashley had a black eye and Fred asked her what happened and she said she didn't need the wedding cake anymore and then Fred said are you sure because I want you to marry me and then they got married and everyone lived happily ever after

You know, I thought this story was going to be different. It started off well with the constant repetition of "bake" and "bakery" and "Fred". But when you get to this part, it's a huge let down. Have Ashley be a similar character; she's got a job that repeats like Fred's job. And Ashley is marrying a guy who's job is also the type of career he's in. Then find a new ending that's less cheesy and more funny.

If you do that, it'll be good

[DeftAndEvil]

Well yeah, it started off like a nursery rhyme/story. But then it just got really annoying, like a 5 year old wrote it. At least continue the tongue twister, and use some grammar. >.>