New poem "Threadbare"

[maruspiralout]

Hey all, recently wrote a new piece called "Threadbare". It mostly about the problems I had with apathy and alcohol after the end of a very important relationship. Note, I almost never rhyme in my writing, so please dont allow that to throw you off.

Threads of thoughts threadbare
Through time and constant embrace
Ethanol visions
Branded inclinations
Worries from a man
Peace in things that he feels only pain
Emotions retreat
Pain found in excuse
Pain found in truth
Nothing left there
Thoughts and feelings threadbare

[CaptinChu]

Wicked decent. It's a different kind of rhythm than I'm used to, very funky. It's a very soft-feeling poem.

[maruspiralout]

Thanks

[Mason]

Quite a jumble but I enjoyed it, hard to interpret the message though.

[Dr-Worm]

At 10/17/10 11:44 PM, maruspiralout wrote: Hey all, recently wrote a new piece called "Threadbare". It mostly about the problems I had with apathy and alcohol after the end of a very important relationship.

You probably shouldn't be flatly telling us what the poem is about before we read it. If you feel that this kind of context is necessary, then that might reflect a failing of the poem. I don't think that's the case here, though. Okay, onto the actual poem.

Huh....

Pretty good, all in all. It definitely creates a clear mood and image without sacrificing its abstractness. And it's nice to see a down-in-the-dumps poem like this that's actually poetic and not just emo whining. Plus, even with the lack of rhyming it seems to me have an almost musical rhythm.

The only big issue here, I think, is word choice/phrase structure. Sometimes your choices make things too muddled or unclear ("peace in things that he only feels pain"). Sometimes they make the poem slip into cliche (the word "pain" is not nearly as inherently loaded as 90% of the poetry writers here might like to think). Sometimes they just make things kinda awkward ("threads of thoughts threadbare"...too much "thread" for one line, man).

I feel like in writing this, you were more concerned with the idea of what you were trying to say than with the actual words with which those ideas would be expressed. The problem with that is that we don't have any of the internal context that you have, so the words are the only thing we have to go on. Especially in short, abstract works like this, the most minuscule word choices can have huge effects on the work as a whole, so you have to choose them carefully.

Lots of rereading, editing, and an increased consideration of the audience's perspective will only help you in the future. But at the very least, this poem has maturity, which is very refreshing to see in between the onslaught of zombie apocalypse stories and poems splotched with dainty little adolescent tears.

[maruspiralout]

I really appreciate the constrictive criticism. This piece has been more awkward for a couple reasons. The first is that its the first piece I didn't plan on retrofitting into a song structure in my musical group. (so kinda funny you found a musical rhythm to it, lol) The second is that its the first piece I have written that actually goes into my personal conflicts. I am glad you don't see it as an emo lament. I described what it was about just in case someone was unable to grasp the meanings in the abstract. I would also like everyone to find their own meaning in it, and I probably should have specified that. Thanks again man.

[DeftAndEvil]

i agree with doctor except i thought it needed more rhythm. since you use super short lines (concise, i like that) it feels like there is rhythm; but, when i read it aloud, it lost music (especially the first line and the pain/peace one, dr mentioned that)

basically what he said sums it up, just tweak it a little.

p.s. "threadbare" is a word i like and i use it plenty, which is honestly why i read the poem :O