Rate my Prologue?

[Niallmcfc]

It seems, *NG BBS User*, that I have started writing a book. It happens to be called 'Sins of the Sky'

Also, I've done a prologue.

Do you mind criticising it?

Prologue
"Whosoever trusteth in the Lord, happy (Meant to be strike through, but oh well) betrayed is he."

Blood leaks from the wound in my chest. I know that soon it will all be over. There's only so much blood in the human body, and I'm swiftly losing what I have. The man in the alleyway has long since gone; almost as soon as the gun went off he was round the corner and gone. The police will probably find out who he was, but by the time they do, I won't be around to congratulate them. I'll be lying in some pit as my skin slowly rots away, or burnt to a crisp so that someone can put me on their mantelpiece to 'remember' me by. The truth is, either way I'll be forgotten in less than a year's time, only spoken about when there's nothing else to say. I sigh, thinking of calling out for help, but quickly deciding not to. I'd rather die peacefully on my own then surrounded by a gaggle of people. Besides, I'm beyond help now.
Already I can feel my body giving up the fight, slowly succumbing to the bullet lodged firmly in my chest. I never wanted to die like this, in some murky back alleyway, but who does? Some want to go out in a blaze of glory, dying saving the world. Others wish to die peacefully in their sleep, without a care in the world. I was never particularly bothered, but still, to end it all like this seems almost an insult.
I sigh heavily as blood continues to trickle onto the dirty ground. In my head there are images of a person rushing into the alleyway, calling an ambulance and taking me away to safety. Then the logical part of my brain kicks in. Stop being so stupid it mutters you're finished. Thanks for looking after your body so well. I almost laugh. Even in my last moments I manage to be sarcastic, even if it's only in my head.
There's a blinding flash of light.
A sound, like a bell tolling.
A voice.
Laughing.
I hear my name being called, over and over again.

"Zach..."

I leave the world. My problems start.

[TheLameSauce]

it's okay. death of the protagonist should adequately grab the reader's attention. By leaving the assailant unspecified the murder is given a taste of mystery, which should make the reader want to continue reading. so conceptually, this prologue is fairly strong. however, it does seem to lack something.

this is just one paragraph of a prospective book that i have no greater understanding of. without knowing how you plan on continuing your piece, it is difficult to truly evaluate your opening paragraphs. if i were to suggest anything though i would further play with the mystery angle as it seems to be the one you're going for. why else put the first person narrator in a precarious life or death situation? you should give the reader a little-just a minute hair's worth- of detail about the narrator's attacker. give the reader just enough to intrigue, not enough to identify. think of the one armed man in the fugitive. describe some unique article of clothing, or accent/gait, or even an odd comment just before firing that would make the reader curious about the shooter, and greater yet, the situation they find themselves diving into. i feel a little touch of mystery would really help reel the readers into the meat of your prose.

another thing, i don't know if you've proofread but some of your sentences are repetitious.

[Niallmcfc]

At 10/14/10 05:49 PM, TheLameSauce wrote: it's okay. death of the protagonist should adequately grab the reader's attention. By leaving the assailant unspecified the murder is given a taste of mystery, which should make the reader want to continue reading. so conceptually, this prologue is fairly strong. however, it does seem to lack something.

this is just one paragraph of a prospective book that i have no greater understanding of. without knowing how you plan on continuing your piece, it is difficult to truly evaluate your opening paragraphs. if i were to suggest anything though i would further play with the mystery angle as it seems to be the one you're going for. why else put the first person narrator in a precarious life or death situation? you should give the reader a little-just a minute hair's worth- of detail about the narrator's attacker. give the reader just enough to intrigue, not enough to identify. think of the one armed man in the fugitive. describe some unique article of clothing, or accent/gait, or even an odd comment just before firing that would make the reader curious about the shooter, and greater yet, the situation they find themselves diving into. i feel a little touch of mystery would really help reel the readers into the meat of your prose.

another thing, i don't know if you've proofread but some of your sentences are repetitious.

Could you point out which ones? I'm not too amazing at proof-reading

Also, it's not a lead up to a mystery novel, it's a story about God being evil and the main character (the one that dies) trying to overthrow him to save the day.

There's not a happy ending.

I not sure about putting in glimpses of the attacker, as he's not really important in the storyline, but I can see where you're coming from.

[Deathcon7]

Please note, when you want critique for something on NG, at least put the effort to format it properly, otherwise it discourages anyone willing to try, and makes it that much harder for those who decide to do so.

To proceed with the critique, the prologue lacked any structure. It seemed so ill devised. I think the death of a character is difficult to pull off when we have no perspective on the character itself. You simply throw him at us, tell us he's dying (and then simply dead), and you expect us to care. You create a lot of questions, yes, but the reader is so removed from the situation, why would s/he care about the answers?

My advice is to actually plan the rest of the story before you try to write a prologue. And if you have already planned it all, this prologue definitely insults your efforts. To improve this, you not only need to expand it, but you need to give it relevance. You need to give readers an emotional foothold they can take, and some insight they can grab on to, before you kill the character. Only then will a reader care about the death of this person.

Also, you're coddling your character. He so nonchalantly accepts his own death, with no discernible fear, or desperation, or anxiety. It's as if the character could care less if he dies or not, a persecutive which will only be infectious to the reader. Either help the reader understand the characters motives and perspectives, or give your character more character. Either method will help improve the prologue, with both combined taking it to the next level.

Good luck.

[Niallmcfc]

I wanted the character to come across as a very un-caring person as that's one of the parts of the story. He's a very independent, morbid person, and I'm not entirely sure how to make that type of character appealing...

[Deathcon7]

At 10/16/10 01:25 PM, Niallmcfc wrote: I wanted the character to come across as a very un-caring person as that's one of the parts of the story. He's a very independent, morbid person, and I'm not entirely sure how to make that type of character appealing...

With creativity, Nial. Honestly, the more internally conflicted a person is, the harder it is to write them. Nobody wants to identify with that type of character. What you need to do then is help us sympathize for the character. Help us understand why they are the way they are, or show us who cares about them. Make the character miserly and pitiful, break peoples' hearts, make us think about the fallout of his "suicide by inaction."

[Niallmcfc]

At 10/16/10 01:59 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: With creativity, Niall. Honestly, the more internally conflicted a person is, the harder it is to write them. Nobody wants to identify with that type of character. What you need to do then is help us sympathize for the character. Help us understand why they are the way they are, or show us who cares about them. Make the character miserly and pitiful, break peoples' hearts, make us think about the fallout of his "suicide by inaction."

Gotcha. So, it would be a good idea to maybe introduce a girl along there somewhere, or add in a bit of the past of his life, to make him seem worth caring about.

Thanks!

[TheLameSauce]

Could you point out which ones? I'm not too amazing at proof-reading

The man in the alleyway has long since gone; almost as soon as the gun went off he was round the corner and gone

Also, it's not a lead up to a mystery novel, it's a story about God being evil and the main character (the one that dies) trying to overthrow him to save the day.

well, i tried my best with what i had. i see what Deathcon was saying, although i assumed you were more establishing setting(i.e., mysterious death of the protagonist) then establishing the character. if you'd rather establish the character, don't do a prologue. as the other critic stated, we don't know your character and don't care if he's dead. if you want us to care, start off your book with the beginning of your story, develop the character, and then kill him.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 10/14/10 03:03 PM, Niallmcfc wrote: It seems, *NG BBS User*, that I have started writing a book. It happens to be called 'Sins of the Sky'

Also, I've done a prologue.

Do you mind criticising it?

Prologue
"Whosoever trusteth in the Lord, happy (Meant to be strike through, but oh well) betrayed is he."

good start, although i think a real bible verse or quote would be better

Blood leaks from the wound in my chest. I know that soon it will all be over. There's only so much blood in the human body, and I'm swiftly losing what I have.

i think you should take out the last sentence. i think it is obvious that there is so much blood in the human body.

The man in the alleyway has long since gone; almost as soon as the gun went off he was round the corner and gone.

you used "gone" twice.

:The police will probably find out who he was, but by the time they do, I won't be around to congratulate them. I'll be lying in some pit as my skin slowly rots away, or burnt to a crisp so that someone can put me on their mantelpiece to 'remember' me by.

good characterization. burnt-to-s-crisp is a cliche and an inaccurate representation of cremation. also, it should be "remember", just saying.

:The truth is, either way I'll be forgotten in less than a year's time, only spoken about when there's nothing else to say. I sigh, thinking of calling out for help, but quickly deciding not to.

again, good characterization and good use of pathos. i think it would be better as "quickly decide not to." also, if the guy has the option to call for help, that would mean people are close by, which means people heard the gunshot unless it was silenced and people should be helping him. if they are'nt, give a description why, this would create some interesting setting.

:I'd rather die peacefully on my own then surrounded by a gaggle of people. Besides, I'm beyond help now.

ok, he is beyond help. whether or not this is true, it shows his character.

Already I can feel my body giving up the fight, slowly succumbing to the bullet lodged firmly in my chest. I never wanted to die like this, in some murky back alleyway, but who does? Some want to go out in a blaze of glory, dying saving the world. Others wish to die peacefully in their sleep, without a care in the world. I was never particularly bothered, but still, to end it all like this seems almost an insult.

bothered by what? his current situation or preference of death? please clarify. good juxtaposition. for the part about the bullet being firmly lodged in his chest, i recommend changing it to something like "the bullet fragments were jumbled in my chest" or that the bullet went through, as i think they are more realistic.

I sigh heavily as blood continues to trickle onto the dirty ground. In my head there are images of a person rushing into the alleyway, calling an ambulance and taking me away to safety.

oohh, is he delusional? we'll find out. good suspense.

:Then the logical part of my brain kicks in. Stop being so stupid it mutters you're finished. Thanks for looking after your body so well. I almost laugh. Even in my last moments I manage to be sarcastic, even if it's only in my head.

yeah, i do not think logical is the right word if it is sarcastic. also typing this i can't tell if its properly punctuated or italicized but i remember something was funny about the second sentence. good relief from his sad, pathetic state, to a defeated yet relieved state.

There's a blinding flash of light.
A sound, like a bell tolling.
A voice.
Laughing.
I hear my name being called, over and over again.

"Zach..."

I leave the world. My problems start.

oohh good ending. he died or is delirious. is he in heaven or hell? is he in shock?

the prologue starts with a biblical-verse, but i do not see any skepticism/religious doubts here. it would be interesting if he was pleading with God, or was denying him entirely. zach seems somewhat too pathetic, although you characterize him rather well. good suspense and mystery.
the prologue feels more like chapter 1, rather than a device used to set the stage, unless the whole story takes place in the afterlife, then i guess its a prologue. i can't wait to see chapter 1 :O

[Niallmcfc]

At 10/19/10 03:36 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote: the prologue starts with a biblical-verse, but i do not see any skepticism/religious doubts here. it would be interesting if he was pleading with God, or was denying him entirely. zach seems somewhat too pathetic, although you characterize him rather well. good suspense and mystery.
the prologue feels more like chapter 1, rather than a device used to set the stage, unless the whole story takes place in the afterlife, then i guess its a prologue. i can't wait to see chapter 1 :O

Thanks! That has helped me to find things that I wasn't too sure of.

As I've said above, the whole story is based around God being the 'Bad Guy', so I'm twisting bible quotes around at the beginning of each chapter, just as a little unique part of the story.

The story is set in the afterlife - Zach starts out the next chapter as an angel that's been dead for 11 years now. Also, I couldn't think of a better name, I thought that 'Zacharias' was ever-so-slightly biblical, and I couldn't think of anything past the obvious 'Jésus' or 'Angél'.

Thanks for your help!