At 12/16/12 04:02 AM, Austerity wrote:

At 12/12/12 02:47 PM, metalstorm wrote: can't find motivation

Just set goals for yourself like every other human, or think of something you really want deep inside and work towards making it happen for you, no matter how improbable you think it is.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it (and i dont expect to be able to) but doing that doesn't work for me. I've seen about 6 different psychologists through school and uni and a few other places that had free psychologists and I have tried that kind of stuff with all of them and it hasn't worked. And this is independent of how much I would like to achieve the goal.

I am about 95% certain that the problem has a biological basis but the problem is that there is no objective test that can rule-out or confirm this so the best I can really do is to try whatever is suggested and just cross off everything that doesnt work.

At 12/16/12 06:19 AM, Austerity wrote:

At 12/16/12 06:10 AM, metalstorm wrote:

I am about 95% certain that the problem has a biological basis but the problem is that there is no objective test that can rule-out or confirm this so the best I can really do is to try whatever is suggested and just cross off everything that doesnt work.

Do you think you suffer from chronic depression?

Thats actually a much harder question than you might think. Im currently taking cymbalta which is a medication for depression although im not taking it for depression. the primary reason I am taking it is because it is the closest medication to the medication that will likley be most beneficial to me that my shrink can readily prescribe.

I do have depression and anxiety but they are the result of the other problems to the extent that I could say that if I found a magic cure for the motivation etc then the depression and anxiety would be all but gone within the month.

Depression exaserbates the probem but its not the cause.

Is anybody still interested in this?

At 8/20/13 12:31 AM, Luke wrote: Is anybody still interested in this?

Thi group is a pretty good idea, but as a club it isn't active enough to stay on the first page of C&C so it gets forgotten or goes unoticed easily. I still think that it serves a purpose. I like this place :)

At 8/20/13 12:55 AM, Sensationalism wrote: I applied for the only apartment I can afford and am pretty sure I didn't get it and now I'm screwed. It wouldve been close to my work so I didn't need to drive and cheap so I could save lots of money. But not getting it means I have to keep spending $100s on gas money every month driving a car that is literally falling apart. I can't get a more expensive one cuz my SO doesn't want to get a second job until after we get a place cuz otherwise his rent at his current place will go up. Essentially I am screwed so I'm pretty pissed off I didn't get it.

Any update on this?
I have been without wifi for a while, couldn't view this until now really.
Living is shitty, really. I mean, expenses, and all of the stress involved with moving out and driving and so on.
I hope things have sorted themselves out by now...

----

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. We had been engaged, but she found out a major lie I had told and forgotten about, and broke off the engagement. Which is totally understandable. I guess we've just been through a lot and have also made a lot of mistakes.
However, now she is telling me that I need to go for anger management courses or something. I understand where she is coming from. I really get pissed off at just about everything. I can't have fun anymore. I can't enjoy myself. I love spending time with her, but when I do spend time with her I just argue with her, etc.
We just moved back home to Regina, so are no longer living together. I was thinking that living apart would help us, but it hasn't so far.
I really just want to be a happier person. However, I keep taking all of my anger out on her.
I'm insecure as fuck. I'm sure that's why.
I also have attachment issues to last me a lifetime. That probably doesn't help one bit.

I was considering starting a support group for invisible illnesses (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.) but I found this club, and it seems to have more or less the same purpose, if only a broader one, so I figured I'd revive it.

I have depression.

I think a lot of people on this site may not seem like they have a mental disorder, but it's easy to hide when you're behind a screen. I wanted a place where I, and others, didn't have to hide, and could rely on each other for help. Hopefully this thread picks back up again.

I guess I'll start by talking about what compelled me to think about a thread like this in the first place.
I've been dealing with depression for most of my life, though it didn't get particularly bad until middle school. I never tried medication, as I never wanted to; I didn't want to have to rely on it, and I was afraid of losing control of my mind to drugs. I feel like they would turn me into someone who wasn't me and, though I didn't like me very much, I was afraid of that happening. So I just sort of stuck it out.

I've had thoughts of suicide as early as elementary school, though I've always been too afraid to attempt it. For a long time, I've always had feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, inferiority and a very bleak future. When I started trying to figure out my sexuality in middle school, things only got worse. Trying to figure out that you're a bisexual masochist at an age where you don't understand either of those things is confusing and frightening. I didn't want anyone to figure out that I was any more abnormal than they already knew. I already had a difficult time fitting in.

I wasn't unpopular, per se, I was always quite good at making people laugh (with me, not at me), but I always had a pretty hard time connecting with people on a very personal level. I had more friendly acquaintances than I could count, but I had very few friends; people who I felt comfortable and safe enough to let my guard down around. Even around these people, there was still a strong wall separating them from the parts of me I was afraid of people knowing. For most of them, that wall never came down. In high school, I had begun to drift apart from my old friends, due to differing interests, but found new people who I felt that I could talk to and confide in, including some old acquaintances that I previously hadn't been as close to. As of right now, I've managed well enough to make and keep friends, and I'm now rooming in college with one of my best friends.

Loneliness, however, comes in many forms. Finding romance has been a new challenge all in itself. In addition to my complicated sexuality, there was still the problem of finding enough people that I could connect with intimately on a personal level. There were people who liked me, but few who I really liked. Even when someone liked me, I was worried that they only really liked what they thought of me, and that if they knew me, they wouldn't like me so much. I was still too afraid to let people know me. I still am today. I'm still so lonely. I don't know how to make it stop.

Depression weighed down on me for so long and exhausted me so much that I felt compelled to find solace in the community of Newgrounds. Surely, I thought, there were other people who felt the pain that I felt, who knew the pain that I knew.

If you are reading this, know that you are not alone. If you have a story to tell, I want to listen. If you need a friend, I'm always looking for one more.

At 10/5/14 01:42 PM, Piggler wrote: I've been trying to find some outlet for coping with my depression and anxiety. I'm terrible at asking for help with even the smallest issues. Sometimes, I've thought about posting in r/depression, but couldn't bring myself to reach out to other people, even with a totally anonymous reddit account.

Well I hope you feel this thread a place to do that, should you ever feel the need, or even sending me PM if you want.

That being said, I don't know what point I had in mind by replying aside from letting you know that I read your post. It was pretty thoughtful and I guess I just didn't want you to think it went unnoticed.

Well thank you for thinking of me.

It's good to see you here, Scarface. Despite circumstances I guess. I wasn't aware you were still active here.
What you said reminds me a lot of me, and I only skimmed through unfortunately, as I've had some drinks.
I was pretty popular in school too all of the time. But still depression crept up. It's a tough thing to break, and every now and then I still get into a point where I am depressed for a week or two.

I forgot this group existed, in all honesty. It's nice to see it be brought up again, but I'm probably useless at this point considering I'm drunk half of the time I'm ever on this website these days.

With depression, I've just found that doing what makes you feel REALLY good is all you need to do. Shitty for me, that thing is drinking and I've lost my girlfriend because of it, and have been feeling down for that but only that. I work with a lot of "nerdy" people, who sit around all day after work and play video games, etc. I don't understand how they can do that. How people can spend 200 dollars on games in a day at my store, it makes no sense. But I can spend that much at the pub in one night.
But, that's what makes them happy. Everybody has that one thing, and sometimes more than one thing, that makes them feel good about themselves. Whether it be running, watching movies, jerking off, whatever the fuck.
Do that thing, man. It sounds generic as hell, but it works.
If all else fails, try picking up a new hobby. Working out, jogging, reading, whatever. You might have a part of you inside who loves something you don't know you love.

I'm rambling, but it really sucks to see people who I have at least seen online posting for years feel poorly. I feel really bad a lot too. Nobody is alone with feeling bad, but most importantly we need to focus on the good things, and as bad as shit may seem there's always some good.
You guys rule.

Hello everyone.
I decided to post in this thread for two reasons: To keep it alive and noticed for more NG users, and share my experiences dealing with mental disorders, hoping It may be helpful to someone else.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder (o.c.d.), the "real deal" not the running joke version. A cording to my psychiatrist and the research I've made, it's a problem of the brain functions, specially on how it handles neurotransmitters.
It works differently on every individual, for me it's like this:
I often have the feeling of something being wrong, missing, or out of place, this feeling causes me anxiety and in order to cope with the anxiety, I have to do certain things in certain ways. Here are some examples of those things I do:
I don't like to use dishes, unless its a bowl, I eat most of my meals using a spoon (a specific spoon), I have a glass (I even marked it) to drink all my drinks, I have two trash cans, some trash goes to one, and some to the other, this has nothing to do with recyclable items separation just, common trash. I also have specific places for specific items of the house and I don't like to move them, I don't like fully opened or fully closed windows. I use all my shirts with the sewings on the outside, If I go out I always use long sleeves and/or flannels, etc,etc, the list of nonsense is endless.
Maybe It doesn't sound like a big deal, the problem is if I don't or can't do all this collection of little things and behaviors on regular (more like daily) basis my anxiety levels rise like crazy, and I get very depressed or angry.

It started since I was a kid, my mother used to think I was just a little weird or eccentric.
It got worst on my teens I got very anxious and depressed, my mother didn't pay much attention because my sister was a constant pain in the ass to her, and she thought it was a normal thing for a teenager to feel like that. Almost a year later I had a mental breakdown, I tried and failed to take my life, nobody was home, my mother took my sister to my aunt's house out of the state because she was in deep shit again. They ended up moving from the house, I didn't wanted to go anywhere so I stayed by myself. I started to drink heavily and using drugs, I got hooked for some years until one day I decided I've had enough, I was just bullshiting myself, I wasn't making anything better, I was just afraid.
I got my life in track the best I could, and kept going, I got a girlfriend and a full time job to keep my mind occupied. Years latter I started to losing it again, lots of anxiety hallucinations and blackouts, I felt tempted to take my life once again, but I thought about how my girlfriend would feel, so I didn't. I decided I couldn't handle it myself anymore and went to see a psychiatrist. I got very lucky, because this particular doctor is genuinely interested on the person's well being, not just in making you socially functional. He prescribed me some meds to help me to stabilize my head, after 6 months of therapy and treatment I was in control once again. After that, I asked the doctor if it was ok to stop the meds, he told me I could lower the dosage gradually, but if I started to feel weird I had to stop.
I still take a pill once in a while just to keep control, and being able "to call shenanigans" if I start to lose it again.

---------------------------------------------------

I want to say to everyone reading this thread, there is nothing to be ashamed of, It feels good to blow some steam and share your situation with others even if it is through a monitor and keyboard, as Luke said on the first post:
"it's better than nothing and it CAN make a difference". And if you don't feel like sharing your stuff here on plain sight, there is the PM system, If I can give you some advice I will, or maybe Luke, Scarface, HeavenDuff.
None of us will judge or mock on anyone.

I guess I'll share my story too.

I suffer from depression. I left school in 8th grade due to an anxiety issue - the teachers there were incredibly hostile and several of them targeted me specifically, making my school environment extremely stressful. In the first few weeks following me simply refusing to go to school my mom dislocated her shoulder attempting to physically pull me out of bed in the morning to get me to go to school. For three years I stayed at home, spending all day every day at the computer, sheltering myself away from everyone and everything. Between then and now I was able to get my GED, graduate from massage school, and dive headfirst into college.

Throughout that entire time I've gradually developed a more and more cynical and nihilistic attitude. Seeing the weakness of people around me makes me resentful of them, and I am convinced that affection is a byproduct of being ignorant of another's weakness. I acknowledge my own faults but set double standards because I believe that I am responsible for my own well-being and that I am not obliged to be fair to anyone except myself. Being competent and confident has also made me feel comfortable relying on no one but myself, though this also serves to alienate me from others as I do not understand self-loathing.

This has gotten particularly bad due to a series of bad relationships that have consistently reminded me that ignoring the inherent selfishness of people is incredibly naive, and that upholding social connections is only beneficial if you can use someone before they use you first. Though I am not outgoing, I have typically accepted offers and invitations from others; however, more recently, I have begun pushing other people away. Despite being in college four days a week (as opposed to when I was doing literally nothing all day) this is the loneliest I have felt in my entire life.

Having fallen through the cracks of the educational system, I realized that I had spent the first dozen years of my life as a slave to an idea of what things were supposed to be, and since then I have gotten to the point where I no longer see a point in anything. Though I consider myself a hedonist, my complete inability to experience joy or satisfaction from anything I do has lead me not to place very much value on anything. I only continue functioning as a human being out of apathy and habit, and I feel as if my decision to continue living is now comparable to self-harm, due to the fact that I have nothing to look forward to.

At 10/17/14 07:05 AM, LexaHergon wrote: I have obsessive compulsive disorder (o.c.d.), the "real deal" not the running joke version. A cording to my psychiatrist and the research I've made, it's a problem of the brain functions, specially on how it handles neurotransmitters.

There's a game called Neverending Nightmares that was made by a guy trying to vent his experiences with OCD. You might find it interesting.

Hello Kwing

I would like to share with you some thoughts about how I see some of the things you shared here.
Let's call it "perspective exchange", because I won't pretend I'm right.

The way my mind works makes me hard to relate with others too, my emotions do not work in a common way (I wont say "normal" because that word doesn't mean anything really). I can understand others, the reasons why they do as they do, their motivations or lack of them, how do them feel and why, but I almost never get to empathize, specially if their reasons and/or motives don't make sense to me. Most of my relationships with others are based in understanding, because is not easy to me show my emotions, and I don't feel comfortable doing it.

At 10/19/14 02:32 AM, Kwing wrote: I guess I'll share my story too.

Throughout that entire time I've gradually developed a more and more cynical and nihilistic attitude. Seeing the weakness of people around me makes me resentful of them, and I am convinced that affection is a byproduct of being ignorant of another's weakness.

I believe affection starts when you are aware of someone's weakness but you find some attribute on this person that makes you overlook flaws.

This has gotten particularly bad due to a series of bad relationships that have consistently reminded me that ignoring the inherent selfishness of people is incredibly naive, and that upholding social connections is only beneficial if you can use someone before they use you first..

Ignoring people's inherent selfishness is indeed naive, that's how it is, but still some relationships can be mutually beneficial. I know this is some kind of "rare good" but still possible, even when a lot of people just take, some of them are willing to give too.

Having fallen through the cracks of the educational system, I realized that I had spent the first dozen years of my life as a slave to an idea of what things were supposed to be, and since then I have gotten to the point where I no longer see a point in anything.

A lot of people spent their entire life as slaves of "what things are supposed to be" and they never realize it, sometimes when you see this isn't but a steaming pile of bullshit, nothing seems to make sense anymore, but I think doing anything you like or interests you, even if it seems to be insignificant it's well spent time.

--------------------------------

Thanks for the game recommendation, I watched the trailer, It seems very interesting.

At 10/20/14 06:04 AM, LexaHergon wrote: Most of my relationships with others are based in understanding, because is not easy to me show my emotions, and I don't feel comfortable doing it.

So, does that bother you? Do you want to express yourself to others?

I believe affection starts when you are aware of someone's weakness but you find some attribute on this person that makes you overlook flaws.

That's a fatal attraction. Something that starts off bad will only get worse. When your ship starts leaking, you don't overlook it because it's a nice ship, you get the hell off of it.

Ignoring people's inherent selfishness is indeed naive, that's how it is, but still some relationships can be mutually beneficial. I know this is some kind of "rare good" but still possible, even when a lot of people just take, some of them are willing to give too.

All I want is someone that sees things the same way I do - someone who doesn't get swept away by the idea of love, monogamy, altruism, or purpose. It would be nice to know someone that wants to spend time with me simply because they enjoy it, not because they feel as if it was "fated" or because I'm a "good" person.

I think doing anything you like or interests you, even if it seems to be insignificant it's well spent time.

That kind of comes and goes. When I'm rapping or developing a game I feel productive, but there are times when I don't feel inspired and nothing interests me. Even when I am active, I don't ever really feel euphoric, rather I just become engaged in something to the point where my mood rises up to point neutral. I don't feel as if I'm ever able to reward myself for my own accomplishments.

Pretty impressive what you've already been through disdainfulpanda. I have a friend of a similar age who finished treatment last year and promptly buggered off touring the world, and as difficult as it obviously was for her I get every impression she's a stronger, much more positive person as a result of it. Life isn't all roses eh, nor even all dodgy mistranslated kanji, but that's what makes the rest of it worth living! ! ! It's okay, I'm out of clichés now.

Are you making use of support groups/sharing thoughts with other people that have first-hand experience? I imagine they could be very helpful.

I came here to whinge about my own sh***t, screw you people and your real world problems.

Panda, if you're on the up-and-up, I'm very happy for you. It's kind of your mission now to have an awesome life in spite of your duel with cancer.

I've come here to complain about:
A) my broken heart
B) my depression
C) my inability to commit

I've quit three jobs in the past six months. I'm afraid I'm too smart (also too anxious) to do menial, repetitive tasks. I'm afraid I'm missing out on that character-building hard work, and that I'll basically be a turd for my whole life.

It would help if I could ever not compare myself to my brother. He was a seriously talented artist, but never made anything of it, and now slaves away ridiculous hours 6 days a week at a restaurant, entrenched in debt, with alcohol as his only recourse. I'm personally aspiring to be a writer, and possibly musician, too.

Good news comes in the form of being accepted to grad school. I was proud when I got my BA, but wished I had involved myself in more clubs and maybe an internship or two. I see this as my chance to really re-do things; maybe not be so heartbroken all the time and date around a little. Join a few clubs, maybe start one. Never miss class; do all the readings. Try to become an RA, and a TA.

But there's the fear that I'm either too late or just incapable of changing ways.

DisdainfulPanda, it sounds like you are doing really well and just need a positivity kick to get through the last of it. I doubt whether any of us can offer medical advice, but from what you've said it sounds like the worst is over and you have a great time ahead of you.

At 4/8/15 10:49 AM, Ghoti wrote:

Ghoti, I think I am in a similar position to you.

I don't like trying to advise people on what to do, but as an aspiring writer I gather you may have to get used to doing menial jobs that you might consider below your skillset, whether as writing jobs themselves or simply for money. I don't think that this is something you should worry about at all so long as you can continue to pursue your longer term goals alongside it. As ever, if you experience general feelings of depression/anxiety you should consider the usual channels for treatment if you haven't already.

Congratulations on being accepted. I guess your Master's (or other postgrad course) doesn't start until September/October? I imagine you'll enjoy it a lot, especially if you can get more involved in extracurricular stuff and go for a few placements. Until then it's probably important to keep yourself occupied and try to use that time constructively, whatever that may entail (and for an aspiring writer I imagine there's a good deal of flexibility in that).

I've seen Girls. They're all 20-something writers who have to do shit jobs to get by, and they seem to have a hell of a time.

At 4/8/15 03:02 PM, disdainfulpanda wrote:

It just depressing to handle thats all, i tend to encourage myself with myself it though
i dont want medical advice. just to talk i guess and share my feelings.
plus the pain from treatment and such. i couldnt get a straight answer from my doctor if ill beat it completly
but i live my life the same regardless
thank you though

If you beat it? You will! The question is when you will beat it. I wish you the best of luck through your treatment, and a quick recovery. You will get better. I promise.

At 4/6/15 03:28 AM, Kwing wrote:

So, does that bother you? Do you want to express yourself to others?

It doesn't bother me too much, I'm used to it, I express myself when I have to, I just think some things would be easier in the "relationship area" if I wasn't so "cold".

That's a fatal attraction. Something that starts off bad will only get worse. When your ship starts leaking, you don't overlook it because it's a nice ship, you get the hell off of it.

This is a good point. "Overlook" was a bad word choice, I'll try to explain it better:
Isn't ignoring completely weakness or flaws, It's more like being aware of them and thinking if it's something you can deal with and tolerate even if you don't like it.

All I want is someone that sees things the same way I do - someone who doesn't get swept away by the idea of love, monogamy, altruism, or purpose. It would be nice to know someone that wants to spend time with me simply because they enjoy it, not because they feel as if it was "fated" or because I'm a "good" person.

I think I get what you mean, I imagine you are a sincere person, and even when a lot of people claim to like and appreciate sincerity, it's just until it doesn't go against what they want to believe (or at least that's been my experience). I won't say it will be easy to find , but I know there are some people who think the way you do (or at least not too differently).

At 4/7/15 04:03 PM, disdainfulpanda wrote: i been dealing with breast cancer for quite awhile and i was really nervous if i should post about it here.
I've already talked to my family about this and my friends... but nothing seeems to help
i know its not as deadly as other things.. but i still cant accept the fact that i have this, and i need treatment and the treatment sucks! once you are past the 5 year mark, you officially a cancer survior 4
I'm nearly there! but its really depressing because i hold alot in about this and i guess i just want to let it all out.

Hello disdainfulpanda.
I think it's a good thing if you want to talk about this or any other thing that causes you frustration, anger or sadness.
It's not good for anyone to hold this kind of "stuff", even if through a keyboard, let it all out, hardship is never enjoyable, but expressing it and sharing it with others, may help you to handle it better, even if just a little.

I lost the confident to express my real feeling. Normally when I do, people would tell me that I just bullshit them and I need to shut up, maybe the majority of people I have met are not so friendly. Though I don't hate them if they say just that because they have a lot more to worry in their own lives than my problems, they won't hurt me as long as I stay away from them. Once in a while, someone becomes nice to me, try to help me and it makes me feel so anxious, party because I don't really know their motive but mostly because I'm afraid to make them disappointed. Even I'm aware this is bullshit but I'm not able to change how I feel.

I feel like everyone who can love, understand and ever sympathize with me is no longer in this world. I was left behind, alone, maybe because I really am filled of bullshits.

This is too lonely but when I speak out, it doesn't really help, sometime things just get worse so I'm not sure what to do. All of this might pretty much come from my karma, my wrong doings in the past. I wonder if I should pity or hate myself.

Well, seem like this is enough of my expression, I will leave then.

At 4/9/15 11:25 AM, Hazame wrote:

It helps to express yourself, I think, regardless of whether you want or expect input from other people. Sometimes it contextualises your problems, and other times it just helps you get your thoughts in order so that you know what you need to address. I think it's a good idea, especially if you find it difficult. You don't mention much specific to address, but you seem like a nice guy - perhaps just a little over-sensitive. I think the best way to try to deal with that is to confront things where possible, for example by discussing your feelings with one of the people concerned. It usually helps me to step back and consider that most people don't care about the things I'm worried about half as much as I do.

Something I am struggling with at the moment is feeling like I am behind in some aspects of adult life. I'm about to start a master's, about a year and a half after I would have had I not taken any breaks from academia. If I had worked out what I wanted to do earlier I could be in my second year of a PhD. It's stupid, because I probably wouldn't have wanted to take that path in the first place were it not for the experiences I've had in the meantime, but still I get a bit worked up about it.

At 4/9/15 02:04 PM, disdainfulpanda wrote:

thank you! and what really gets to me is that im really close to getting past this and whether or not making it is the unnerving thing really. its been in my family and most have died from it
so it does it depressing at times while other times i try not to think about it and life feels dandy. kind of a big circle actually

Makes a lot sense if you are in this "big circle", your circumstances are not easy at all, this is a very "tricky" situation.
I don't mean to be a bummer or sound insensitive, but uncertainty in life (and about life) it's unavoidable. It can be a very depressing thing when we think about it, and the only thing we can do is keep going to know what will turn out about the whole thing.
It's understandable if this situation gets to you, and time seems endless as you get closer to know how things will be. Do your best to avoid doubt overwhelm you, and keep talking (or even screaming) out all things bothering you, punch a pillow, kick some buckets or whatever works for you.

I'll be around as well as the other peers if you want to share some more, my good wishes to you.

There are 4 billion odd people who still don't have access to internet or proper food and water

Are you depressed now?

-dadark1ord

At 4/12/15 03:25 PM, dadark1ord wrote: There are 4 billion odd people who still don't have access to internet or proper food and water

just because they're odd doesn't make it okay

At 4/12/15 03:25 PM, dadark1ord wrote: There are 4 billion odd people who still don't have access to internet or proper food and water

Are you depressed now?

-dadark1ord

3,035,749,340 do, compared to 360,985,492 in 2000.

No, because you're an idiot.

And you don't need to sign your name. This isn't email.

There's no need or want for you to barge in all Negative Nancy on a thread where we're supporting actual real-live people through words.