At 12/10/10 09:35 PM, Eclipse wrote:
Might as well post here, I've got a lot of fucked up stuff happening and I don't even know how to deal with all of it. Long post, no TL;DR, but the length is needed in this case because it is relevant. If spilling my life history up till now isn't needed, then I'm sorry, but I really need to get this off my chest.
When I was a child, there were a lot of things that I think made me who I am today, which definitely isn't a good thing. When I was a kid, I was completely sheltered. Literally. From people, from TV, pop culture, everything. I was instead raised to believe that God could talk, speak and would speak to us regularly from my father. I was not allowed to leave the house, and I was not allowed to go to school. I was instead homeschooled by my mom. I rarely ever got to see anyone outside of my family. It was fucked up, but I was raised to think that living that way was normal. My dad would abuse us, i.e. hitting us with various objects, slamming us up against walls, telling us that we were less than dirt, etc. And we took it. Finally, when I was 9, there was a situation in which my dad attempted to kill my mom, so of course we left and fled to where we live now. I got a huge culture shock. I mean huge...it was frightening.
Fast forward 5 years. I'm a borderline suicidal, paranoid, anxious druggie teenager who hates his life and contemplates suicide just about every goddamn day. My family here won't listen to me, I have a stepdad who abuses me and an alcoholic mom who no longer cares enough to pay any attention to me whatsoever, along with re-occuring memories of shit that happened earlier in my life. I'm really not bitching, or rather I guess I'm trying not to, but it would be great if someone could offer me some advice. I kinda need it. Please?
Damn Eclipse, I think we've talked a bit before, never imagined you had went through this sort of thing, but I guess that is why the club is here right.
I understand how you feel being beat as a child, that can really fuck somebody up at that age and has scarred me for life. I think the best thing you can do to get over that itself is to accept it really, and by that I don't mean just saying "Yeah, it happened to me, whatever." and it is hard to accept those things, and no matter what you do I feel they will always be in the back of your mind every day.
What I do to push that all behind me is I keep myself occupied, whenever you are thinking about it try doing something else, different things work for different people. I know you smoke weed, so maybe getting high is your way of pushing it behind you. It sounds dumb and you probably won't care but marijuana is a depressant in the long run, I never accepted that when I was getting high every day but it really is.
If you honestly think it helps you though, whatever works... I'd recommend you try taking a break at least though because from the looks of it you see yourself as a 'druggie' like you said and it sounds like you see that as a bad thing and may not be happy about it.
So lets say you did quit smoking weed and still needed away to take those things off of your mind, there are endless possibilities to what you can do. Think of things you enjoy, besides getting high of course. Do you play video games? Do any sports? Lift weights? Go for runs? Even go for walks?
I personally found that going for walks really helped me get my mind off a lot of shit, I always went for a walk at night an just would look at everything around me whenever I was feeling down, and when I went for my walks and had my music playing in my ears everything sort of made sense to me.
Maybe something like that can work for you?
I'm sure your Mom still cares about you, it's easy to think she wouldn't for whatever you and her may have been through together, I used to think the same of my Mom who's a drug addict and has been for the past 5-6 years. But at the end of the day she always will and I've learned that, I'm sure the reason your Mom drinks so much is because of what your Dad put her through, and now that she is married or in a relationship with another man who is also abusing her kid(s), it's really putting a lot of weight on her, alcohol is her escape and it is a 'weak' escape so to say. I'm sure if you really took the time to try and speak with her about the things on your mind (not including suicide and stuff, that would lead to a bad ending of discussion), she might have some nice things to say... Maybe try telling her calmly that you don't think she cares about you, and I am sure she will tell you something along the lines of you're her world.
A parent can not really just stop loving their kid, it takes a lot to do that and if you haven't done anything to her to make her hate you, chances are she doesn't.
As for your step dad, I'll tell you what I did when my step dad hit me, and it didn't necessarily make matters any better, though it did in ways.
I fought back man.
My step dad was a big ass guy, overweight, muscular, and tall. But I looked at him and when I saw how violent he was towards my mother, siblings, and myself, I saw how weak of a person he really was. What kind of person needs to take their anger out on people who are either weaker than them or totally defenseless? A really weak person, maybe not physically, but emotionally.
I talked back and I fought back, of course at first he would just hit harder, but after months of fighting back he eventually walked away from it all, he wouldn't hit me anymore, and he knew that if he hit my siblings, or my mom I would fight him again.
I'm not saying do this, because it is dangerous, and I was a careless person at the time where I was at the point, if he wanted to kill me during the fight I wouldn't have cared, I just wanted to prove a point to him.
So instead of reacting with violence, you may want to try just walking away from it some time, and that can be more difficult than fighting back most of the time. Sure, it may make you seem like a 'bitch' or a 'pussy' as people would say, but really, you are being the bigger man at that point, and from what you said your step dad doesn't sound like a big man emotionally/mentally.
Walking away could be the best idea to go with, and it may give him some time to stop and think about what he did. Does he drink or do drugs? I know whenever my step dad got into a scrap with us he would go out and get high, smoke a pack of cigarettes within an hour or two, and come back to the house drunk. If that's how the case is with you as well you can tell that what he does is really taking a toll on him as well, and that is him punishing himself for it.
I hope this sort of helped, feel free to continue posting here, and I will give you whatever advice I possibly can, I wish you the best of luck my man.