You shouldn't need to talk like you're posting in any part of this tale, it really derails the whole story and makes you have to start again. Just say something along the lines of "we went off to see some girls, after they finished school", as it contributes to the flow.
I like the way that you called the teenagers on scooters "bikers", as it counjures up a much more dramatic looking image, with a burly bloke riding a Harley, decked head to toe in leather. Seeing that illusion shattered made me smile.
"Tyshawn Rodney, and I don't want to do these things any more" Another victim of proof reading and the author being too eager to publish. Deadlines do not get there all that quick and you had days left, so please take the time to print it, so that you can see it on paper, it's easier.
The concept of the story seems to be a first person story, but the point of view of a late teenager who has experienced a very tough upbringing has a lot of learned vocabulary - if you are to portray someone without much of an education, dumbing down is necessary, if just to remain in character.
I think that the flow of this is interrupted by being told that "I said this, she said that." etcetera - throwing dialogue in there is something that was decided against, but I feel it has compromised the piece a little.
Finally, to come to terms with the way the story works, you don't need to break it into 15 chapters - split those parts into slightly more detailed paragraphs, where applicable and you can build upon the combat, as per the brief and increase the flow. Otherwise, it just seems like the effort is to use the title lines to get towards the word limit.
The piece has a lot to live up to, with a title like that. As it came nowhere near the limit of the words, I'll still review it, but won't give a score:
It's a good script, as it is set out with basic stage directions, such as (pause), but if you've ever read a script, you'll find that there is more to it than that. You threw a disclaimer in there for the CGI and then didn't make the most of it, by telling us what the CGI should be doing. If I were an animator picking up this script for the first time, I wouldn't know where to go after the start. I'll admit, some animators love having a lot of creative licence, when it comes to it, but simple directions make the piece work.
I did like it when you crossed the fourth wall - that's something that can be done for comedic effect, but then you strayed too far across and it got old, like most of the material here.
THEN YOU REPEATED IT ALL?!
Seriously, that had better be an error, because otherwise something like that could have been written "Repeat scenes 1-3" and it would have saved me having to scroll up and down, trying to work out if it was an error or not.
Again, no rating rendered, as there was no way that this made the minimum of 1,000 Words.
I have to say, with the wall of text that you wrote, I was tempted to just write "TL;DR" and move on. Alas, there was something that stopped me from doing this. Oh yes, the fact that you wrote a Bioshock fanfiction. From my limited experience of this game, I have to say that it's freakishly like you didn't really write anything here, except a quick proto-walkthrough, which cuts out 90-95% of the gameplay and lands us here on the BBS.
With the way that this is set out, you might want to try and set it aside from the main plot and go for a sub-routine, like a splicer gets out of Rapture and goes wild, making you a hunter of splicers throughout the world, to try and protect the fragile peace that is currently maintained. Trust me, fanfictions can be better than this.
I'm not too sure about using the expression "Stumpy stumped", regarding his movement, it keeps reocurring, so it really does go against the grain, as does the repetition. Too many mentions of the protagonist's names can help with reference to the story, but it does kind of derail the flow a little. The way that initially the plan is laid out as a metaphor is brilliant, before Stumpy face off with Woofman, though the pharase "paroxysm of agony" is probably best reserved for a different piece of writing, as it transcends intellectual boundaries and hampers the immersion that your writing should give.
Picking the targets slowly and painstakingly is a risky business and while it ended with the howls of the wolf men in the distance, perhaps it should have had a few of them killed by Stumpy's new rifle to end it, as the combat was brutal and rather short.
FInally, the noise that the pistol made, "Bzap" or somesuch, wasn't really needed - you can be more expansive, without using one word to describe the sound. "A crackling ball of static launched into the plant and small bolts of electrical interference grounded themselves nearby." might have suited as well.
As it was a good piece, though fatally flawed I will rate the rest of the writing and not penalise too harshly for the repetition of "Stumpy stumped" ad nauseum:
A chilling, clinical, somehow stereotypical German tale of dog fighting during the Battle of Britain. I loved the pace and felt that this was perhaps going to be in some other reality, where WWII was won by the Axis, as they had triumphed here. The twist was shocking, delivered with brutal, yet pinpoint force, yet it did not detract from the story.
The major part of the storyline hits, as the one pilot is shot down, causing the German plane to become stricken and it happens so fast, I caught myself re-reading those few lines over and over. Perhaps it is begging to be expanded, so that the flow is assisted there. The potential for the airman to be rounded up by some soldiers, or Home Guard would be high, as he made it to the ground, so the idea of him being arrested as a Prisoner of War might have been a slightly better ending, in spite of the massive trauma / grief that you expressed here.
"what he saw made his go blank." I think you were missing the word "mind" here. Proof reading is a simple task. Try printing the piece out, reading it aloud and seeing how it flows. Pen and paper can be a better resource for this, as opposed to the computer screen, I find.
The first thing that is apparent is the "solid" nature of the text. Perhaps consider double spacing between paragraphs, as it helps to break up the piece, without disturbing the flow. If you were in Art class, you wouldn't draw a sketch in the top third of the page and leave the rest blank, would you?
"His voice took on a graver tone with what he said next however." should actually end with a colon, as opposed to a full stop. As with gmcerd, there was an issue with making the vocalisation of the sound, as opposed to describing it, which could be achieved by something along the lines of "the swift sound of metal dragging across metal coan be heard, followed by a click, as a hidden blade pushes out of the Master's hand and locks into place."
A rather cavilier attitude to the punctuation of the story and the fact that it feels like it's a collection of stage directions, as opposed to a narrative, being recounted by someone in a pub, good enough to earn a hot meal, a beer or two and a roof over their head for the night. Some of the details appear washed over and with that in mind, I felt that having to back track to work out when Edgar sustained the concussion, amongst other things means that this piece needs an overhaul.
The concept is good, as were the descriptive parts of the combat, though some of the descriptions needed more work to flesh them out. Don't rush, otherwise you might miss something.