Fast food patrons no longer trusted

[Letiger]

In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup.

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

"Unlimited access to ketchup is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

According to representatives from the nation's six largest fast food chains, Americans use more than $18 million worth of ketchup per year, with nearly $7 million of the tomato-based condiment ending up smeared on the backs of chairs, on nearby tables, or in the hair of small children, and in some cases simply spilt in large, repulsive puddles on the floor.

In all, some 220 factors were cited by the American Fast Food Association in their decision to remove the self-service pumps. Among them, the spectacular failure on the part of all patrons to recognize their own limits, and the tendency, among many men and women, to just squirt out the free condiment as if their lives depended on it.
Enlarge ImageFrom now on, those seeking extra ketchup will be required to submit a non-stained written application.

"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO John W. Chidsey, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans use on average 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal. "What's wrong with you people? Were you scared it was going to run out or something?"

"Look, it's not even about the ketchup, okay?" Swette added. "It's about setting some boundaries for once."

Beginning Nov. 12, all participating fast food restaurants will begin serving a maximum of two ketchup packets with any hamburger-based meal. If a patron desires additional ketchup, he or she will have to fill out a special three-page Ketchup Request Form, which must then be presented to a manager on duty for evaluation.

In addition to specifying the reason for their request, customers will have to present fast food officials with two forms of valid ID, their social security number, and a signature from a third-party witness who can attest to there being enough remaining ketchup-free food to necessitate an additional packet. Only when all conditions are met will a patron receive a condiment voucher.

Patrons requesting barbecue sauce to dip their fries in will be escorted from the premises immediately.

"Our scientists don't spend countless hours manufacturing the food we serve just to have it dunked and drowned in obscene amounts of ketchup," said J. David Karam, president of Wendy's International. "Can customers even taste the dipropyl ketone or amyl acetate in our food anymore? It makes me sick."

Reaction to the new condiment policy has been overwhelmingly negative thus far, with some patrons claiming they would sooner eat lunch at home than frequent a fast food establishment that imposes limits on their ketchup consumption.

"This is outrageous," said Tennessee resident Sheila Hodge, a longtime fast food consumer. "If I want to gorge myself on so much ketchup that I need to vomit, then that should be my God-given right. This is McDonald's we're talking about. Half the reason I come here in the first place is so I can behave like a total animal."

At press time, the Arby's chain was continuing to let customers freely operate their "horsey sauce" dispenser, as nobody in America has touched that shit in years.

[MichaelJ]

TL;DR

Just stare at food in pic and post witty reply.

[MalaysianParkingLots]

TL:DR

Ketchup causes problems

[Urban-Champion]

This isn't funny, Ketchup is srs business.

I lmao'd so hard.

[GamesArmor]

Link to the article?

[RubberTrucky]

Le Gasp!

[Urban-Champion]

At 9/22/10 08:13 PM, GamesArmor wrote: Link to the article?

It's not a real article, just an epic post.

[GamesArmor]

At 9/22/10 08:14 PM, Urban-Champion wrote:

At 9/22/10 08:13 PM, GamesArmor wrote: Link to the article?

It's not a real article, just an epic post.

I'm not familiar with whatever kind of humor he is using.

[Cootie]

I love the Onion so much. I actually wish some of this is true. Seeing all the sauces that people just throw away does seem like a waste. I lol'd hard as well.

[BrainworkInProgress]

So euhm who actually read that wall of text?

[Urban-Champion]

At 9/22/10 08:16 PM, GamesArmor wrote:

At 9/22/10 08:14 PM, Urban-Champion wrote:

At 9/22/10 08:13 PM, GamesArmor wrote: Link to the article?

It's not a real article, just an epic post.

I'm not familiar with whatever kind of humor he is using.

Then maybe you should get yer bone checked.

[Letiger]

At 9/22/10 08:18 PM, BrainworkInProgress wrote: So euhm who actually read that wall of text?

I read it.

[BrainworkInProgress]

At 9/22/10 08:30 PM, GoatBeak wrote:

At 9/22/10 08:18 PM, BrainworkInProgress wrote: So euhm who actually read that wall of text?

Anyone with a half-decent attention span. It's not even a wall of text as well.

as soon as i read the third word "Effort" i realised it wasnt for me :(

[SpecialSause]

At 9/22/10 08:10 PM, letiger wrote: "If I want to gorge myself on so much ketchup that I need to vomit, then that should be my God-given right. This is McDonald's we're talking about. Half the reason I come here in the first place is so I can behave like a total animal."

After I read this I knew that this was either made up or from the Onion.

[Scarface]

Yeah, at McDonald's now, ketchup is still free accessed, but you have to go up to the counter and ask for everything else. I myself feel fat doing this, so I don't do it. Maybe that was what they were trying to do.

[Neoncrotch]

You should've posted a "TL;DR section" so we can get the short version of what you just posted.

[SouthAsian]

At 9/22/10 08:25 PM, letiger wrote:

At 9/22/10 08:18 PM, BrainworkInProgress wrote: So euhm who actually read that wall of text?

I read it.

Me too .

[Cootie]

At 9/22/10 09:08 PM, Neoncouch wrote: You should've posted a "TL;DR section" so we can get the short version of what you just posted.

Or you could read it and actually enjoy the good humor. It was actually some pretty funny shit.

[RedAnchor]

At 9/22/10 08:10 PM, letiger wrote: Patrons requesting barbecue sauce to dip their fries in will be escorted from the premises immediately.

I only lol'd at this, and hard.

[homor]

Socialism!

Today the government won't let the man on the street pour his own ketchup, tomorrow he won't be able to order his own meal!

What is happening to MY PROUD NATIOOOOOOOOON?!

[Rig]

Stop posting entire Onion articles.