Trinity Ville

[TimeBender]

Due to my self hating nature, im very nervous about sharing this - one of many poems i wrote. this one is a little different i wrote it entirely in my head, and the first three lines in a dream. usually in my dreams i feel more creative but its harder to remember things. its short! but its a work in progress.

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Everyone's Happy in Trinity Ville
Houses on the Hill
Everybody on the pill

So much so they get high with ease
Like Monkey climbing up trees
To save the damsel in need

Oh, their not clever monkeys
Soccer mom Junkie
Leather daddy getting funky.

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Tell me what cha think :)

[TheThing]

At 9/12/10 04:23 AM, TimeBender wrote: Due to my self hating nature, im very nervous about sharing this

Before I read and review this poem, the first I'm going to tell you is that you should never be ashamed or scared to share your work. Even if you're afraid of people hating it or realizing that it's very personal, you should be proud of what you've done, even if it sucks.

Besides, the only way you're going to get better is to share your work and have it torn apart - that's how you learn what to do and what not to do.

Tell me what cha think :)

Well, I'm glad that it's a work in progress - it definitely needs to be expanded to fully explain the central theme of the poem. It's a decent start - the first stanza is the exposition, and the next 2 expand and fortify that. But you don't finish the poem - there's an obvious moral point to this poem (drugs are bad, m-kay?/complacency allows abusers to take power), but you don't have it. Definitely add a few more stanzas.

Grammar nazi time - in this line "Oh, their not clever", it would be "they're", not "their". Also, poems need to have punctuation, even simple ones like this. Also, unless there's something symbolic about the line "Everyone's Happy in Trinity Ville", uncapitalize "happy". And since there's a good metaphor by calling the citizens "Monkeys", you should capitalize "Monkeys" in the third line.

I'm not following the second stanza. First off, all you need in the first line of the stanza is "they get high with ease". Also, "Like Monkey climbing up trees" should be "Like Monkeys climbing trees". Makes it more concise and flows much better. But I'm lost on the metaphor - why are monkeys (or Monkeys, as there's some symbolism there) saving damsels in need? You need to either change the second or third line (I vote third)

Overall, I like, but not love, this piece. I like the simple language and the interesting metaphors, but it definitely needs work. More stanzas are needed to fully realize the message of this poem. Also, focus on word choice - each word is important in a poem, and finding that right word to convey the right idea is tough. And don't forget to proof-read and edit.