Need feedback on latest project...

[Sahariel]

This is the beginning of a project I've been wanting to start for two years now. Right now, I know it's imperfect but hopefully after a few revisions after obtaining some valuable feedback from the members here on Newgrounds. Without further ado, here is the story so far...

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I remember walking aimlessly through in the dark, breathing in a coppery scent as I waded in a thick liquid, which rose to my knees. I was trying my best not to shake. I heard a sound of a heart from the shadow in the dark, a voice coaxing me.

"Come," she said.

I walked toward the sound of her voice, searching for this person. Maybe she had the answers that where spinning in my mind like a F5 tornado. I was swallowing excessively, my eyes darting around the room, if you could call it a room. I don't remember this place. It felt familiar but when I tried, I could not find the name. The liquid swished with my every movement and a gentle yet bothersome hum that rang in my ears.

I felt a drop of sweat slide down my brow. I've been walking for hours, but I felt no tiredness.

A wave of fatigue rushed through my body. My knees gave in and I fell into the deep.

I could deny it no longer: It was blood.

A sudden coldness struck me to the core, followed by a heavy feeling in my stomach. I couldn't move my legs. I couldn't breathe. I felt blood flooding into my nose and ears. I used my tired arms to elevate myself, dragging my aching body towards the voice. I could hear my heartbeat roaring in my ears. I was dirty, soiled, with the blood of people I didn't know. I had to escape, but where? Where, in a place where Death attacks Death, could I escape? Searching for a god to pray to, only Death responds, the mocking darkness lying to me.

"Can you stand?"

I saw the darkness surround the shape on the ground, the woman straight up and a body face down. She was walking on top of the blood, as if she was Jesus Christ. She was short and slender and looked no older than I was. Her platinum blonde hair fashioned into twin tails cascaded down her shoulders and perfectly framed her heart shaped face, her almond shaped cerulean eyes penetrating the darkness. Her lips where shaped like Cupid's bow. She was truly beautiful.

"Can you stand?" she repeated.

I shook my head.

She extended her hand out to me.

"How can you change the world when you can't even overcome such a simple thing as fatigue?", she said mockingly. Defeated, I grabbed her hand.

A hand grabbed my ankle, pulling me down, forcing me into the abyss beneath me.

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Be honest with me. That's all I ask.

[TheThing]

This is a great idea, and a good story. First, I suggest that you read through it before you post it here to pick out any spelling, grammar, and/or general mistakes. I saw a few, but I'm not going to point them out. You should be the one to find them.

Secondly, you need to pick the kind of metaphors your character uses. You have this rather poetic, slightly vague metaphors/similes (the kind that I use and like very much), but then you go into concrete, definite metaphors/similes. For example, your character says "spinning in my mind like a F5 tornado" - a direct comparison to a definite thing (you do it again with the Jesus thing). But later, this comes up: "a gentle yet bothersome hum that rang in my ears." This doesn't directly compare itself to anything, unlike the previous one. You should stick to a particular style of figurative language in order to promote a particular style to your story. Otherwise, it tends to create a schizophrenic feeling in the writing.

Otherwise, I thought it was a great story. Is it 100% professional? No, but I don't expect it to be; you're posting it here. But it's a great start for a writer, and with some touch-ups, could be shopped around to get published. Keep writing, both in general and with this story.

[Sahariel]

Thanks for the feedback, TheThing! Anyone else before I begin the revisions?

[Deathcon7]

I hate dream sequences. I hate them because they're rarely done well. This is an example of a poorly made dream sequence. The narrative tries so hard to insinuate an incoherent, ambiguous environment and subsequently becomes precisely that. When I dream, my dreams can seem vividly real. I think you're getting to caught up with the media's portrayal of dreams that you're just not focusing on what you really need to focus on. Isolate the elements in that sequence that mean the most; blood, the girl, the character, the tiredness, the confusion. If you focus on those elements, you can make this narrative a lot more cohesive. Another option would be to fill in the piece more; before, after, and within. Expand on certain things and really bring them out.

Also, as already mentioned, your diction really controls the mood. Diction is as much a tool as the story itself, so you want to always be mindful of what you say, and also HOW you say it. I've seen a lot of plot twists created simply by the wording of a single sentence.