Some life lessons from Cookies.

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

Many people these days are what I call 'Ejits' because I'm a Scot, damn you.

For you yanks, 'ejit' means idiot. So think about that next time you see him post.

Back on point, I am one of these people and I want you all to learn from my experience. I will discuss certain things that are good and bad, and attempt to explain why they are labeled as such. All matters that I am going to discuss here have been experienced by me, so I DO know what I'm talking about here.

Lesson 1 - Trimming your nails:

Personal hygiene is an important part of pretending that you have a chance at a social life. But many people are unclear on certain aspects of it. Today, we'll learn about nail care. First of all, chewing one's fingernails is unhealthy and not popular with the ladies. Even MORE unpopular is the chewing of the toenails. So stop that. I learned this lesson and moved on. To keep your nails trimmed, one should NOT use a large dagger. Daggers are inaccurate and tend to impale or otherwise maim your poor little piggies. If you are not already aware, fingers and toes CAN and WILL bleed all over your mum's brand new rug. I now recommend a cool new product called "nail clippers". I'll let you research this amazing new invention yourself. But for now, lets move on.

Lesson 2 - Illegal downloading - You wouldn't steal a car:

I would if I had the right drivers...

Lesson 3 - Bathing your pet:

Unfortunately for this writer, dogs are not an option. My dog, Pepsi, tragically passed away in my arms several weeks ago and I simply cannot bring myself to get another dog. However, this writer is a huge fan of cats. If you own a dog, be sure to bathe it monthly, or as your vet recommends. For my fellow cat lovers out there, do not attempt to bathe your cat. My chest, arms and back resemble that of a defiant black man in the 1800's. Despite all appearances, your 5 LBS cat WILL fuck your shit up. Realize that cats actually are rather hygienic creatures. They will clean themselves, no matter how much blood clogs their little paws and whiskers.

Lesson 3 - Counting:

An important skill for every person to have is basic counting skills. Ifit yours are not up to par, you should seek immediate professional help.

Lesson 5 - Raising a child

The most important part of raising a child is preparing him for life on his own. Indeed, this is the most important role of a parent or guardian. To prepare your son or daughter for the harsh realities of life, this writer suggests simply showing them. Strapping your child to your chest while carrying out a small shooting at a home for the elderly will show your child the harsh realities of life, aging, and death; preparing him for life in general far better than any of his peers. Along with this, YOU are actually benefiting as well. The chances of the police shooting or tasing you are severely diminished.

Well kids, that's all the time Uncle Cookies has for today. Tune in next week to hear me talk ALL about the wonderful fun you can have with nitroglycerin! Bye!

[RWT]

What about keeping a clean hoose?

Obligatory Scottish joke

[iPumas]

Do you go for Celtic FC?

[GrandePlatano]

I love how each lesson is about a completely different thing.. theres no correlation

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/25/10 07:43 PM, HayBayBee wrote: This taught me so much.

Uncle Cookies LIVES to teach. Gather 'round my pupils. Heed the advice I have bestowed upon you.

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/25/10 08:48 PM, Piss wrote: I bite my fingernail. How can I stop?

Excellent question, my good sir. I would recommend coating your fingers in a layer of pure sodium. That way, when you put your fingers in your mouth to bite them, the saliva will cause a violent, painful reaction. Operant conditioning. You'll soon stop.

[LiarDee]

i love you!
(:

[Lintire]

ALL HAIL THE GREAT WISE COOKIES!

I actually learned something while reading this. Oh, it wasn't in the post itself, but it was still around about the same time. Not DIRECTLY while I was reading this, but it didn't happen indoors. In an out-doorsy kind of way. 4 days ago.

How DOES one go ahead and train a dog to not go apeshit while bathing? I learned not to stick my face too near to it's claws, for it will swipe, but the question stands.

[Ptero]

I'm on fire. What do?

[Dosensuppen]

My head ... it's bursting with new found knowledge.

Also, cookie, should I cook bacon with my shirt off?

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/25/10 09:35 PM, Ptero wrote: I'm on fire. What do?

Ah. This is a question that I meet often. And the answer really is quite simple. Whether it be a normal fire, a grease fire, (from all those weeks of not bathing) or a fire of AIDS, the mistake many make is screaming in pain and/or panic. This is the Sorst Thing to do, as it might lead you to do something irrational, such as Stop Drop and Roll.

Instead, ponder what led you into this situation. Sit down and really Think about it. And then ponder the mystery that IS fire, as well as your life. What is fire really? And are you truly alive? How do we know? Who are you, REALLY? Pondering these things should lead you to the ultimate truth. That it was REALLY fucking stupid of you to get yourself caught on fire and that all the time you spent pondering those boring-ass questions probably just cost you your life. You can thank me in hell.

[Ptero]

It... worked.

[iateamexican]

At 8/25/10 07:41 PM, WeHaveFreshCookies wrote: Lesson 3 - Counting:

An important skill for every person to have is basic counting skills. Ifit yours are not up to par, you should seek immediate professional help.

Almost commented on you putting 3 twice without reading it.
Almost.
Almost.

Almost.

[Impornant]

I broke foot. What do?

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/25/10 10:27 PM, Impornant wrote: I broke foot. What do?

A rather uncommon question, as most people understand the solution to this problem. Obviously, you must be in pain. However, it is a known fact that your body will ignore the pain of an injury if one of greater significance occurs. So your first step, logically, should be to dive a sharp object through your abdomen.

WeHaveFreshCookies takes no responsibility for any minor side effects that may occur as a result of this technique, including, but not limited to: cramps, fatigue, criticism from people around you, organ failure, death, and explosive poop.

Your next step should obviously be to care for the foot itself. (And you may want to get that stab wound looked at too, when you find the time.) Some would go to the doctor to confirm a break, but this is not needed. Simply bath your leg in ungodly amounts of radiation. The purose of this, obviously, is an attempt to gain a genetic mutation that will allow you to heal at superhuman rates.

In the unlikely even that the previous step fails, read on:

You are by now covered in radiation burns and most likely have some kind of super cancer. I would seriously consider just cutting the damn thing off. It's just one leg. You got two of them. So it shouldn't be that big of a deal. But if you're goin to be a stubborn jackass, then fine. I'll help. Your foot needs to heal properly, so the bones need to be aligned. A doctor can achieve this, but it's a waste of time, really. Simply stomp the affected foot on the group several times. Try shaking it around too. And for good measure, have a friend run it over with his truck. The pressure should alighn the bones just fine. Now you'll need to make sure that the bones stay straight while they heal. A good stratagy for doing this at home would be solid concrete or asphalt. These things can be stol- I mean PURCHASED at your local highway construction zone. Just stick your foot in the wet matter, wait for it to dry, and then somehow break your foot free. Most customers enlist the help of emergency personal for this last part, but truthfully, all one needs is a jackhammer and either great accuracy or a high pain tolerance.

[Dubbi]

Cookies, I need girl advice. I can't seem to get a date, let alone get laid.

[The-Great-One]

Cookies. How can I be an Ad Whore, without seeming like one?

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/26/10 12:10 AM, Dubbi wrote: Cookies, I need girl advice. I can't seem to get a date, let alone get laid.

It first helps to know what the female species enjoys. First and foremost, they enjoy making your life a living hell and taking all your money. So the key here, is to make yourself seem as important and awesome as possible. She'll pretend to think you're a "douchebag" but she's secretly smitten, trust me. The other key is to pretend that you have LOTS of money. This normally comes with the previous requirement, but it helps to focus on it a little bit.

Now is where SCIENCE comes in! Biologically, women are attracted to pheromones. You can get these by either having really great sex with zombie Farrah Fawcett, or by simply ejaculating into a cup and dumping this cup all over yourself. When she smells it, and realizes what you've done, she'll be SO smitten, she wont know what to do. She might call the cops or mace you... Out of LOVE.

You're all set, mah boy. You're ALL set.

[sixflab]

Now that I have learned some of life's great lessons I can go to sleep knowing that I am smarter than when I woke up.

[Sensationalism]

I shower with my bird!!!

[HungarianSupermarket]

If I have sex with my hand can I get pregnant?

[Dubbi]

At 8/26/10 01:06 AM, HungarianSupermarket wrote: If I have sex with my hand can I get pregnant?

Not if you use protection.

[Cootie]

At 8/26/10 01:04 AM, Sensationalism wrote: I shower with my bird!!!

Pssh, I shower with a rabid raccoon. Who is hardcore now?

[Haplon]

Cookies, I'm terribly addicted to smoking cigarettes, can you please help me?

[Tianwell]

Life lesson learned :)

[6r0undZ3r0]

I feel like a better person already.

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/26/10 01:12 AM, Haplon wrote: Cookies, I'm terribly addicted to smoking cigarettes, can you please help me?

This is not as serious a problem as many make it out to be. The chemicals in cigarettes are considered harmful to your lungs, yes. But in reality, they are beneficial. What cigarette smoke does is toughens the lungs. Much like when your father beat you as a child, the repeated abuse toughens your system. Cigarette smoking is actually considered by MANY experts (Note: WeHaveFreshCookies will not reveal his sources due to uh... Privacy... Yeah. Privacy concerns) to be an ingenious way of speeding up human evolution. The humans that die of this smoke did not have the chance to pass on their weak sauce lungs to future generations. But the ones that could take it like a man WILL pass it on. This will eventually lead to entire generations of super athletes, benefiting the human race as a whole.

At 8/26/10 01:06 AM, HungarianSupermarket wrote: If I have sex with my hand can I get pregnant?

Well most people would tell you "no", but Uncle Cookies knows best. The truth is, if you have sex with your hand, you will actually begin to fuse your penis/vagina to your hand in a condition know as "The J. Hancock Condition." It happens very slowly over a period of time, but it CAN happen. To safely have sex with your hand, it is recommended that you use an anti-fusion device. You can make one yourself by mixing rocksalt, sand, and beaded soap with a thick lotion of some kind. Applied liberally to the genitals, this will effectively prevent J. Hancock, while at the same time, increasing pleasure. If this has already happened to you, there IS a simple cure: Rub the same lotion as described above onto the affected area at least thrice per day. This should slowly reverse the effects of J. Hancock.

At 8/26/10 01:00 AM, The-Great-One wrote: Cookies. How can I be an Ad Whore, without seeming like one?

Ah my good friend, The-Great-One. This is an excellent question. The first step is to avoid being too obvious about what you're endorsing. You can't just barge into a conversation and suddenly introduce the product. You have to let the conversation slowly slide there. By the way, have you tried the new Cherry Dr. Pepper? It's got just a KISS of cherry. It's really good. You should try it some time. Seriously. But back to the subject, you should always be willing to let go and talk about something else for a while when people become suspicious of your intentions. Better to live to spam another day, as Billy Mays always taught me.

o wait...

Another handy tip is to subliminally Dr. Pepper Cherry insert your advertisements so that the readers don't know that your advertising Dr. Pepper Cherry. You can carry on a good conversation about Call of Duty: Black Opps, while secretly influencing everybody Dr. Pepper Cherry around you to purchase the product that you're advertising for. It's a great way Dr. Pepper Cherry to continue to Ad Whore without being Dr. Pepper Cherry noticed.

[CoCo]

How do I obtain girlfriend?

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

At 8/26/10 02:04 AM, LoKoCoCo wrote: How do I obtain girlfriend?

My oh my. This question has been posed to me MANY times. Both in this thread and via Private Message.

As I've stated before, "It first helps to know what the female species enjoys. First and foremost, they enjoy making your life a living hell and taking all your money. So the key here, is to make yourself seem as important and awesome as possible. She'll pretend to think you're a "douchebag" but she's secretly smitten, trust me. The other key is to pretend that you have LOTS of money. This normally comes with the previous requirement, but it helps to focus on it a little bit.

Now is where SCIENCE comes in! Biologically, women are attracted to pheromones. You can get these by either having really great sex with zombie Farrah Fawcett, or by simply ejaculating into a cup and dumping this cup all over yourself. When she smells it, and realizes what you've done, she'll be SO smitten, she wont know what to do. She might call the cops or mace you... Out of LOVE."

Another good hint that I can give you is to ease up a little bit too. Women have a nurturing side, believe it or not. This side of her can be manipulated by drawing sympathy. Pretend to have some kind of disease perhaps. (Note: WeHaveFreshCookies does not recommend faking an STD to get laid.) Another way you can do this is by giving to charities. This will allow you to convince her that you're 'sensitive' But beware. Don't give TOO much to anybody, or she might think that you don't have enough money left worth manipulating you for.

[CoCo]

Ah, now i see. Thanks for the advice!