Vahalla (first Two Chapters)

[ryanboy8]

I'm practicing writing, so read my story so far below. Please give constructive criticism.

Introduction
The interlife of the retired. Boys under age eighteen were put into a slave house, doing the chores for the great inspiration of evil. Escaping led to hanging, usually in a public place. It was almost impossible to escape with the heavy security, though.

Chapter I
Pak awoke, and saw that the candle on the bedside was still on. He was on the bottom bunk, so he blew it out. There was five bunks, and ten boys. He thought hard about what it would be outside, but rumors say it didn't exist, and this hellhole was containment for us, and the wretched guards that served Lord Vax. But neither boy had any proof. He fell asleep thinking. It was hard to fall asleep on a pillowcase full of chunks of soft wood, and it hurt, but he fell asleep anyway.t
The morning awoke to a yell from the guard captain. He rushed down the ladder, and followed the boys down to the lunch area. They grabbed the wooden plates and sat down at the benches. The food on the wooden plate was a boiled egg, and a plastic gum-shaped cup full of dirty water in it, and a piece of tough hardly cooked meat. No talking was aloud, or you would be lashed. He ate quietly, and gave the wooden plate to the servant up at the lunch stand. Suddenly, a thought popped into his head. He had to get out of here. They were seperated into groups. There was about a hundred boys all together. He was with his friend, Me Hai. "Me Hai" He whispered to the boy as they chopped wood. "Hmm?" He mumbled back. "Look, we need to get out of here." Pak said to Me Hai. "Have you gone insane!?" Me Hai growled quietly. "It's hanging if caught." "Except, when we are escorted to the council room, that window leads down about two floors. I could survive." I said. "I'll help." Me Hai murmured.

Chapter 2
The boys were escorted down. Pak nodded to Me Hai, who made a noise. The guard grabbed his wrist and growled "Quiet, slave!" Then Me Hai spat in his face. The guard twisted back. Pak dived from the line and moved forward. The boys watched him run for the window. One of the guards jumped for Pak, who slammed his elbow into the guard's face, twisting his leg and falling against the sidewall. The window was about four meters away. He struggled upwards and ran fast, and dived out the window. He fell fast, his life flashing before his eyes. He hit the ground, but he didn't feel anything, because he was sent into a dark void. He had lost conciousness.

[TheThing]

Alright, I'm going to start with the things most easily fixed first.

This really isn't 2 chapters; it's more like 1, and that's one short chapter. Even for a serial on Newgrounds it's short. Combine these 2 chapters and chapter 3. While that may seem like a long part to you, I can knock something like that out in 30 minutes, so it seems like you just aren't putting any effort into this. Even if you are, the short chapters don't convey that.

Each line of dialog should start it's own paragraph. Even if there's narration afterward, each line needs start a new line. Speaking of which, you need to break up this wall of text with paragraphs. See how I have a space between each paragraph? Do the same. And try to keep each idea within a paragraph; for example, you should break up the breakfast scene by having one paragraph of Pak eating and the second of him thinking about escaping. The third paragraph would be him in the yard planning his escape with Me Hai.

Third, you shouldn't need an introduction. You should be able to convey whatever you put in the introduction through the story. Try having the story open with Pak entering the slave camp, and describe what he sees (is this place in the middle of a forest or a desert? What are the buildings like? How many boys are working, and what kind of work are they doing?). When he gets there, have him befriend Me Hai, then have some boy get caught trying to escape and have him hung. This sets up why Pak is there, why Me Hai is his friend, and the repercussions of running away.

You also need to slow down a bit. You move so fast, it's hard to keep track of all of the action. First he's eating breakfast, then he's immediately doing chores. Get a transition in there. It could be as simple as "the guards separated the boys into work groups and led the crowd out to do the daily chores." But it needs to be a big sentence that tells the reader "hey, the setting is changing and something else is going to happen".

This last one is the hardest, and takes a lot of practice to master - show, not tell. Going back to the breakfast scene, rather than saying that "The food on the wooden plate was a boiled egg", write that "Pak was served his meal. He looked down at his boiled egg, overcooked and tough piece of meat and cup of dirty water with indifference." Suddenly you have the character showing you rather than the narrator telling you. Same with the ending - just have it end with "Pak didn't feel the landing because he landed in a dark void." Don't tell us that he's unconscious; the reader can figure it out.

That's as much as I'm going to rip into this right now. I think there's enough right there for you to work on and fix for either these 2 chapters or the next few.