The Bible Taser

[EclecticEnnui]

Mark started thinking, again. He was driving his slightly beat-up 1992 Honda Accord several kilometres above the 60 km/h speed limit without realizing it. The road was empty, but not for long. A red traffic light was up ahead with a car stopped at the crosswalk in the same lane. Mark soon realized this and put his foot on the brake. The other driver looked in the rear view mirror when he heard the screeching tires, but paid little attention once Mark's car stopped a few metres away. The light soon turned a dim green and both cars kept going straight.

Mark noticed a motel on the right and pulled in. It was coloured in wilted yellow, had a neon lighted sign with a couple of unlighted letters, two floors, and the parking lot was virtually empty.

"One week... one week is all I need," he said to himself. He got out of the car and checked into a room. It had a single bed with drawers on both sides, a bathroom, a 15-inch TV on a shelf, a desk with a chair, and a closet; looking clean and ready for the next customer. Mark sat on the bed for several minutes, not knowing what to do with himself. He then looked into one drawer to find nothing, but he found a Bible inside the other drawer. Mark had never read one. However, when he took it out and turned the hardback cover, he found an object hollowed inside. It was a taser, except Mark did not realize this since he never saw one. The safety switch was in the on position, so he turned it off, not paying attention to the warning label. He pressed a button and it made a spark of electricity. Mark was intrigued. He put the taser to his left hand and shocked himself, causing him to drop it.

"What the..." he said out loud. He was still fascinated by it. He picked it up and quickly used it again to his left hand. The pain oddly gave him relief, as he repeated this action a few more times until his hand became numb. He subsequently tased other parts of his body, making them numb, as well. He fell to the floor, nearly becoming unconscious. All he wanted to do was think about his past.

Being 32-years-old, he still lived with his mother in a low-rise apartment. He worked minimum wage at a fast food restaurant, not knowing what to do with his future, while his mother worked night shifts as a bus driver. The two did not get along very well as she would lecture him intermittently about moving out, finding a better paying job, his perfectionism, and collecting items from garage sales he does not use, only throwing them away when she persuaded him because of the clutter they made. He did not like her and sometimes when she was not around, he would hurt himself while trying not to leave marks on his skin. He often felt lonely and did not know who to talk to.

As he laid there on the floor, he had a lot on his mind. He laid there for most of the evening, in spite of all his numbness having faded away. By midnight, there were flashing red and blue lights outside his lightly curtained window. A police officer was speaking through a megaphone and repeating Mark's name. Mark was hardly listening and did not get up.

"Why is the whole world staring at me," he thought.

------------

I wrote this short story as part of an assessment to get into a Broadcasting and Film program at a college. I was given the option to write about three topics and one was a taser in a hollowed bible, which I obviously chose. I'm sorry if I'm not accurate with the response a taser gives. I could've researched it, but I didn't because of the pressure of getting the assessment done. How did I do, though?

[TheThing]

This was kind of boring. There was no emotion, nothing that made it interesting, it was just...there.

To start, you try to create false drama by introducing a needless almost-car crash at the beginning. In fact, this rule applies to much of this story - only include what's important to the story. Whether it's vital to the plot, characterization, or setting, keeping the story succinct is vital to holding the reader's attention. So unless that car crash is a reason for Mark to head to the motel (he's tired, the weather's too bad to drive in, etc), you need to get rid of that, or communicate the importance (have Mark say "I need to find a place to sleep; I'm going to crash if I try to stay awake and drive", or something along those lines)

Secondly, don't laundry list all the details. Like before, keep the details to what's important. For example, when Mark enters his motel room, you just say "there was a..., a...., and a.... in the room". Keep it to the things he's going to interact with. We've all seen the inside of a motel/hotel room, and the opening description of the motel helps form the picture of a shitty place. You don't need to list everything in there. And when you do present it, don't just say "there was...". Say, "Mark looked around the dingy room, and, not seeing anything worthwhile to do, sat on the bed. Search the nightstand, he found the Gideon's Bible in one of the drawers. Having never read a Bible before, he opened the hard cover to find a hollowed-out space where the Lord's Words should have been." Suddenly, I'm more interested in the story because every word I'm reading is now important. I don't care that there's a 15 inch TV in the room; I want to know what the hell Mark is doing.

The taser itself is a bit underpowered. I'm no expert, but tasers will either knock you out cold, or cause you to lose all muscle control for a period of time. Like I said, I'm no expert, so there may be tasers out there that just cause pain and numbness, or do that if the battery is low, but as far as I know, this taser isn't 100% accurate.

Finally, what was the point of this story? Some emo psychopath goes to a motel, finds a taser, shocks himself a few times, and then finds out he's being chased by the cops? There's no story elements here. Where's the climax? Why are the cops chasing him? Why do I care? You need to make this story longer and flesh out some more of the plot points. This will allow the reader to understand more of the story, and more of the character.

Overall, this was not very good. It's a halfway decent start for a beginner, but if you're going for a college program, I hope the rest of the application was much better. This feels like a small part of an 8th grader's story. There are plenty of other smaller things that I could touch on, but that would take way too long. I don't want to discourage you; with more practice and criticize, you'll improve, but right now, you need a lot of work.

[EclecticEnnui]

At 8/24/10 09:13 PM, TheThing wrote: This was kind of boring. There was no emotion, nothing that made it interesting, it was just...there.

No emotion? Not even Mark's behaviour and info of him?

To start, you try to create false drama by introducing a needless almost-car crash at the beginning. In fact, this rule applies to much of this story - only include what's important to the story. Whether it's vital to the plot, characterization, or setting, keeping the story succinct is vital to holding the reader's attention. So unless that car crash is a reason for Mark to head to the motel (he's tired, the weather's too bad to drive in, etc), you need to get rid of that, or communicate the importance (have Mark say "I need to find a place to sleep; I'm going to crash if I try to stay awake and drive", or something along those lines)

I might as well explain myself, even though I intended the story to be kind of ambiguous (think Michael Haneke) and this comes into play later with your post. Mark killed his mother and is on the run. At the beginning, he is thinking about this and almost crashes his car, which is designed to get the reader's attention. Will he crash or not? This motel is a retreat for him, before he either turns himself in or keeps going. Hence, his one week line. The description of the car and motel add to the mood of the story. (Emptiness and dreariness.) Therefore, they are vital. I wasn't interested in spoon-feeding readers or, in this case, my assessment's marker answers and information that's obviously vital. Why? In hopes that the marker's gonna read a story that's different than the others submitted.

Secondly, don't laundry list all the details. Like before, keep the details to what's important. For example, when Mark enters his motel room, you just say "there was a..., a...., and a.... in the room". Keep it to the things he's going to interact with. We've all seen the inside of a motel/hotel room, and the opening description of the motel helps form the picture of a shitty place. You don't need to list everything in there. And when you do present it, don't just say "there was...". Say, "Mark looked around the dingy room, and, not seeing anything worthwhile to do, sat on the bed. Search the nightstand, he found the Gideon's Bible in one of the drawers. Having never read a Bible before, he opened the hard cover to find a hollowed-out space where the Lord's Words should have been." Suddenly, I'm more interested in the story because every word I'm reading is now important. I don't care that there's a 15 inch TV in the room; I want to know what the hell Mark is doing.

Perhaps I could've reworded or removed the description of the inside of the motel, but I think you're dwelling a bit too much upon one sentence. I wrote it to further emphasize on its emptiness. Yes, maybe the entire population of readers over 15, in this case, know what a room of a motel looks like, and maybe Mark knows, too, but with him being on the run, this room represents what will be (or might be) the last place he'll stay in before losing his freedom by being arrested and charged with murder and the room is nothing special. It's not dirty and messy; it's just OK. The outside of the place isn't even shitty.

I liked your alternative description, but I didn't want Mark to find the Bible right away. The fact that there's a taser inside it in this room is coincidental enough. For Mark to enter, decide about 15 seconds later to sit on the bed, then check the drawer on his side to find this Bible makes everything happen too quickly and conveniently. I wanted to have at least several minutes pass, then have him check that drawer to find nothing, which even adds a bit of mood, and find the Bible in the other drawer.

The taser itself is a bit underpowered. I'm no expert, but tasers will either knock you out cold, or cause you to lose all muscle control for a period of time. Like I said, I'm no expert, so there may be tasers out there that just cause pain and numbness, or do that if the battery is low, but as far as I know, this taser isn't 100% accurate.

How do you know?

Finally, what was the point of this story? Some emo psychopath goes to a motel, finds a taser, shocks himself a few times, and then finds out he's being chased by the cops? There's no story elements here. Where's the climax? Why are the cops chasing him? Why do I care? You need to make this story longer and flesh out some more of the plot points. This will allow the reader to understand more of the story, and more of the character.

Because this is a short story, I didn't see the big deal of saving Mark's development to the end. I liked there being mystery to him. The fact that he nearly caused a car accident because he wasn't paying attention to the road, checks into a motel for a seemingly unknown purpose, and shocks himself for pleasure, are reasons why I thought readers might take interest in him. He doesn't have to be pleasant. I actually had a limit of two pages for the assessment and wrote one and three quarters. Maybe I could've wrote a little more, like given one piece of detail that Mark's mother is dead.

I don't think stories are required to have a point (discussed here) and a climax. There's nothing wrong with breaking the conventions. They shouldn't be mandatory because then stories would likely be predictable.

I also find the word emo to be derogatory when describing someone with mental problems. I actually don't even remember when I saw the word used before this. I remember it was common five years ago, though.

Overall, this was not very good. It's a halfway decent start for a beginner, but if you're going for a college program, I hope the rest of the application was much better. This feels like a small part of an 8th grader's story. There are plenty of other smaller things that I could touch on, but that would take way too long. I don't want to discourage you; with more practice and criticize, you'll improve, but right now, you need a lot of work.

What kind of an 8th grader seriously writes a story like this? Anyway, thanks for your feedback. It's good to have dialogue between a critic and a storyteller. I'll let you know if I get in. If you're at all interested, I wrote another short story about a man with mental problems, last year, and submitted it to an NG writing contest. It's somewhat longer, has a climax, and (I feel) better, overall. When the winners were announced, it even got an honourable mention.

[TheThing]

At 8/25/10 10:36 PM, EclecticEnnui wrote: No emotion? Not even Mark's behaviour and info of him?

I didn't get much. Like I said, the story just felt kind of there. The backstory of Mark felt like it meant to have emotion, but you did something many writers do - they tell instead of show. Showing is a difficult skill that takes a lot of practice to do well. "Being 32-years-old, he still lived with his mother..." ignoring the improper use of "Being" (that implies it's normal for a 32 year-old to live with his mother), the narrator is telling the reader that he lives with his mother. This sentence has pretty much the same words, but it's showing rather than telling: "The 32-year-old thought about how he still lived with his mother...". Suddenly, we're still in the story, rather than having the narrator pulling us aside to explain Mark's life. It's subtle, and difficult to do.

I might as well explain myself, even though I intended the story to be kind of ambiguous.

It's a bit too ambiguous. I can assume he killed his mother, but nothing really supports it.

Mark killed his mother and is on the run. At the beginning, he is thinking about this and almost crashes his car, which is designed to get the reader's attention.

But you don't put enough emphasis on Mark getting lost in thought. I think all the time while I drive, but I don't almost crash every time. That's not about being vague; that's just not focusing on the right thing.

Besides, the hook is too far into the story for it to be effective. Have it in reverse order; Mark slams on the brakes (get rid of the thing about the other driver), Mark reprimands himself for getting lost in thought while driving his worn 1992 Honda Accord (always speak in definites - no slightly or almost. If you do want to use them, pick a synonym for the whole descriptor), the light turns green and the cars drive off.

Will he crash or not? This motel is a retreat for him, before he either turns himself in or keeps going. Hence, his one week line.

But the reader has no idea what the fuck he was doing on the road in the first place, or why he needs to lay low for a week. I assumed that it was late, and he was too tired to keep driving.

The description of the car and motel add to the mood of the story. (Emptiness and dreariness.) Therefore, they are vital.

Then be consistent with your descriptions. Besides the missing lights in the sign, what else makes the motel dingy? What does it look like from the outside? What about the desk clerk; does he look like a slob? And then you turn around and say the room was clean and tidy. Have it damp, dark, broken, lacking basic motel items (like a tv and a desk and a chair).

I wasn't interested in spoon-feeding readers or, in this case, my assessment's marker answers and information that's obviously vital.

You shouldn't spoon feed the readers, whether the reader is me or a college professor. But you do need to give the reader a spoon and not make them turn the house upside down looking for one.

Why? In hopes that the marker's gonna read a story that's different than the others submitted.

It's good to be different, but you need to make sure you can do different well. Sometimes going with the common choice, but doing an excellent job, is better than doing something different and being average.

Perhaps I could've reworded or removed the description of the inside of the motel, but I think you're dwelling a bit too much upon one sentence.

I only picked that out as an example. I can do it elsewhere, but now isn't the time for that. You can keep it, but go back to the "show not tell" discussion.

I wrote it to further emphasize on its emptiness.

Refer to "consistent descriptions".

but with him being on the run, this room represents what will be (or might be) the last place he'll stay in before losing his freedom by being arrested and charged with murder and the room is nothing special. It's not dirty and messy; it's just OK. The outside of the place isn't even shitty.

But once again, the reader doesn't know that. I have no idea that he killed his mom by this part. Besides, who cares if this will be the last place he'll be free in; I'm not going to look for a Holiday Inn when I'm on the run, I'm just going to go to the first motel I can find. Actually, the shittier the better; they'll have poor record keeping. Even if Mark isn't thinking about that, the room could be a metaphor for his mind; he's retreated into his mind which is a mess psychologically, just as he's retreated into the motel room. That's a good parallel.

I liked your alternative description, but I didn't want Mark to find the Bible right away. . I wanted to have at least several minutes pass, then have him check that drawer to find nothing, which even adds a bit of mood, and find the Bible in the other drawer.

Okay, so just add "he stared into space for a few minutes" in my description, have him explore the entire room first and not finding anything important. As for not finding anything, who cares? To me, it didn't add anything to the mood. He explored the nightstand, and found a Bible. He probably found a phone book too, but I don't care about that. Keep it succinct.

How do you know (about the taser)?

Because I spent 3 minutes on Wikipedia and used my previous knowledge from tv, movies and videos. Apparently my "I'm no expert" tag gave the impression that I was pretending to know about tasers.

Because this is a short story, I didn't see the big deal of saving Mark's development to the end.

That's not development, that's exposition. And with short stories (especially ones this short), you need to get out as much about the character as you can in the beginning.

I liked there being mystery to him. The fact that he nearly caused a car accident because he wasn't paying attention to the road, checks into a motel for a seemingly unknown purpose, and shocks himself for pleasure, are reasons why I thought readers might take interest in him.

But there's no basis for any of those actions. Yeah, I'm wondering what he's so engrossed in while driving, or why he checks into the motel, or why he's shocking himself. But not very much. And, as I've said before, you don't provide enough information for me to be certain enough that he killed his mom.

I actually had a limit of two pages for the assessment and wrote one and three quarters. Maybe I could've wrote a little more, like given one piece of detail that Mark's mother is dead.

Knowing that this had to be very short also helps in the review. But yeah, you could have had some flashbacks to vague things like blood on the walls, his mother on the floor, etc. And had you kept it succinct, you would have had more room to write.

There's nothing wrong with breaking the conventions. They shouldn't be mandatory because then stories would likely be predictable.

All stories, whether predictable or not, need to have some story telling elements. It's not a story without the basic elements. You can have very little exposition and rising action, have the climax early, then have a lot of falling action and conclusion. Not a predictable format. Breaking conventions would be like a fantasy story without a hero. What you wrote was 1/2-3/4 of a story.

I also find the word emo to be derogatory when describing someone with mental problems.

I've had depression and my dad has PTSD (and has manic-depression friends who I know). I'm qualified to call Mark an emo. Besides, anyone who inflicts pain on themselves is considered an emo.

What kind of an 8th grader seriously writes a story like this?

I review a lot of stuff here. I know how most 13-15 write, and it's not good.

It's good to have dialogue between a critic and a storyteller.

I'm just doing what I can to help you out.

I'll let you know if I get in.

I'd like to know; I want to see if the assessors and I have the same opinion.

When the winners were announced, it even got an honourable mention.

I was 1 review away from making the top 3 in October (would have averaged an 8+ if it wasn't for one five)