The Topic without a Reply <poem>

[MichaelJ]

I just wrote this, it took about 10 minutes. Criticize!

The Topic without a Reply

Why, oh why
Does it have no reply?
Am I blind in the eye?
Has NewGrounds turned shy?

From page 6 to page 7,
Page 9 through 11.
I can't figure out
What this all is about!

I've waited so long.
My bones are not strong.
Refreshing the page
Is making me age!

As I scroll through the forum,
I get a brainstorm.
My heart starts to thump!
It's a word called BUMP!

[RogerU]

emo

[MichaelJ]

At 8/20/10 04:45 PM, RogerU wrote: emo

Wow...

[EAGallowglass]

bump!

[MichaelJ]

It's so funny that I am literally bumping this now.

[FUNKbrs]

There are many words that rhyme.

Buy a thesaurus you talentless mook.

[TheThing]

I'll be the first helpful review. Or try to be helpful. It may not be helpful, but the intentions are there. I just want you to know that.

To put it more politely than FUNK, you do need to fix your rhymes. While a few are more natural (although a tad cliche), there are some that feel too forced. I understand you wrote this very quickly, but if you ever decide to revise it, the rhyming definitely needs to be fixed first. When I sit down and write (well, more like try to write) a rhyming poem, I set out each line, then work a rhyme into it. For instance, try this love poem couplet I made up:

I start my getting my ideas down:

I love your laugh
And the way you talk

Then shoehorn in a rhyme:

I loved your response to a joke
and that lovely way you spoke.

Once you get down the rhyming, you need to get a consistent rhyme scheme down. While a changing rhyme scheme could be a stylistic and meaningful thing to do, you clearly didn't have anything deeply metaphorical about this poem. I could maybe pull something out, but I know nothing's there. Anyway, get your rhyme scheme straight; if you're going AABB, stick to AABB. Don't start out as AAAA then go to AABB.

Overall though, I liked it. It was funny in a rather sad way. We've all had those topics that never really lasted too long, if at all, and I think this poem resonates with 99% of Newgrounds. While it's not deep, it's fun, and when you're not one, you should be the other. I think with another hour or so, you could have a really good poem.

[MichaelJ]

At 8/22/10 10:07 PM, TheThing wrote: I'll be the first helpful review. Or try to be helpful. It may not be helpful, but the intentions are there. I just want you to know that. ........

Thanks for the review! But yeah this was just kind of for fun.