A Real Woman

[VGmasters]

A real woman enjoys living life the fullest

A real woman lives a very long and healthy life

A real woman works out at the gym every day

A real woman breathes in and out when she's out of breath

A real woman knows it's good to sweat

A real woman loves being in the rain

A real woman loves to get up early

A real woman enjoys laughter

A real woman cries silent tears and never wipes them away

A real woman has many fetishes

A real woman respects and loves nature

A real woman is tough

A real woman has curves

A real woman knows that life isn't always fair

A real woman wears a whole variety of clothing

A real woman has feminist ideals

A real woman believes in natural beauty

A real woman knows what a man wants

A real woman enjoys love and sex

A real woman loves being competitive

A real woman loves feeling her heart beat

A real woman is very intellectual and open-minded

A real woman enjoys the feeling of awe

A real woman knows how to make and man blush

A real woman is fit for life

A real woman knows how to fight and defend herself

A real woman has a sense of spirituality

A real woman loves philosophy

A real woman loves her family, friends, and mate

A real woman knows how to dance

A real woman believes anything is possible

A real woman cheers for sporting teams representing her high school, college, city, and country

A real woman knows hard work builds character

A real woman loves languages

A real woman expects the unexpected

A real woman blames herself for her mistakes

A real woman is strong

A real woman is sexy

[TheThing]

What can I say?

To start, this was way to long. To be honest, I didn't even bother to finish it. Try cutting out some of the "lesser lines" to make this more streamlined and to make it better overall. To make it easier to cut stuff out, try to keep the verb of each line different, unless you're going for some stylistic thing. You can use a thesaurus to help you, but if nothing works, get rid of it.

Also, keep each line short. I think it would benefit if you just had "A real woman (verb) (1-3 words)". There shouldn't be any "and"s or commas. For example, the line "A real woman enjoys love and sex" should be either love or sex, but not both on the same line.

But I'm not sure how much that's going to help. "A real woman" has been the topic of discussion in books, movies, music and especially poetry for the last 50 years (rising and falling with the waves of feminist movements). You would have to do something truly unique and different for it stand out. At the very least, have some strong, empowering line at the end, like "a real woman is me" (it's cool if you're a guy; the speaker is the one who's saying that, not you, the writer). Something that's going to punch the reader in the face and yell "you love this shit!"

But right now, all I see is a list of sentences. There's no emotion behind them, nothing that screams "real women are you and me; the average person". In fact, you jump around, saying that a real woman goes to the gym every day, but she has curves. So a real woman's efforts are futile? (there are other examples, but that jumped out at me). Focus on a few ideals of what you believe to be a real woman, make sure they don't contradict, and make the lines strong and empowering.

[VGmasters]

People just like writing for fun. It's not like I'm trying to publish something. I just do it because I like to do it. You could make any form of writing as random as you want.

[MichaelJ]

I guess there aren't any real women in this world then.

[Dubbi]

At 8/19/10 02:19 PM, VGmasters wrote: People just like writing for fun. It's not like I'm trying to publish something. I just do it because I like to do it. You could make any form of writing as random as you want.

If you're unwilling to put serious effort into your work, then don't expect feedback.

[Jackdabomb]

At 8/19/10 02:13 PM, TheThing wrote: Focus on a few ideals of what you believe to be a real woman, make sure they don't contradict, and make the lines strong and empowering.

Actually I think it'd be more artistic if they were to contradict, giving the idea that there is no perfect woman or that woman can never please what society expects of them. Something like that.

[VGmasters]

At 8/20/10 07:57 AM, Animator1mike wrote: I guess there aren't any real women in this world then.

You'd have to look harder then.

[TheThing]

At 8/19/10 02:19 PM, VGmasters wrote: People just like writing for fun. It's not like I'm trying to publish something. I just do it because I like to do it. You could make any form of writing as random as you want.

If you don't want your shit reviewed, then don't post it here. If you want to write for fun, go ahead. There are plenty of people that write for fun. But if you post it here, you're going to get critiqued. People are going to tell you how to make it better, and possibly how to make your overall writing better.

At 8/20/10 04:05 PM, Jackdabomb wrote:

At 8/19/10 02:13 PM, TheThing wrote: Focus on a few ideals of what you believe to be a real woman, make sure they don't contradict, and make the lines strong and empowering.

Actually I think it'd be more artistic if they were to contradict, giving the idea that there is no perfect woman or that woman can never please what society expects of them. Something like that.

That's actually a good thought, although I still think this poem needs to be shortened.

[TrevorW]

I see no poem here.

I would critic it but he is being all negative over it.

[VGmasters]

At 8/20/10 04:05 PM, Jackdabomb wrote: Actually I think it'd be more artistic if they were to contradict, giving the idea that there is no perfect woman or that woman can never please what society expects of them. Something like that.

Pretty much