Newgrounds story part 1 and poll

[earphonesan]

Here's part 1 of my story for Newgrounds.

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/504607

Remember, fun and/or interesting names are welcome. Also, PLEASE tell me what you think, be it good or bad.

And HERE'S you poll! Whether or not it will influence the story is a secret. :P

Count?
Corporate?
Or Chiropractor?

[TheThing]

To be honest, I was a bit surprised at the quality of this. Usually I don't see this kind of quality from new members here. That being said, it still wasn't very good.

The first you should do is rename the story. When people see "Newgrounds story", they expect to see something based on this site, not a werewolf story. Even if you just make it "Story I'm working on", people at least won't be heading in with false expectations.

Secondly, get rid of the poll. I have no idea what you're talking about, even after reading the story. I'm not going to bother answering a poll that may or may not affect the story, and I'm definitely not going to answer a poll that makes no sense if it did affect the story. You present 3 completely different ideas, yet you don't provide a unifying question to explain how they are related.

Thirdly, spacing. Very few people are willing to read a wall of text, and that's what you have presented here. Breaking up the story into paragraphs will help not only the reader, but you as well. It will allow you to group ideas and descriptions, and it'll let you see if you need to add a little more at this point or take a little away on that part.

Fourthly, have a purpose. This story doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's a nice introduction to Sammi and characterizes her fairly well, but the story so far doesn't have any conflict. Is Sammi unhappy being a werewolf and wants to revert to a human? Did some one find her secret and is hunting her for profit? Is there a massive battle brewing between werewolves and vampires, and Sammi is the only one who can beat the evil vampires? Get some kind of conflict going, otherwise this story is just going to be...there.

Finally, don't be so blunt about your descriptions. As a reader I don't want to hear a laundry list of characteristics. Rather than something like "She had long straight bluish grey hair", set it up so that she is walking home, "her long bluish-grey hair bounced behind her". I just described her hair, and subtly furthered the characterization of Sammi being bubbly by using "bounced". You also don't have to have all the descriptions of her in beginning. You can space them out a bit; have her eye color come up after some plot. While she was fighting the hobo for the money, she "flashed her piercing yellow eyes, frightening the hobo into retreating".

You have some good bones here. You have a good character who you described well, and described her personality equally as well. You also set up what could be an interesting story, and one I wouldn't mind reading more of. You write pretty well for a beginner, and with practice and help you could be pretty good. Keep working on it.

[earphonesan]

Hey, thanks a lot, that helps! The poll is just there for entertainment. You're not really supposed to know how it'll affect the story, and neither am I. Right now I'm just completely improvising the story, so it probably won't be as good as it could be. I'm not a serious avid writer, I prefer to just enjoy what I write, and hopefully other people will enjoy it too.

I'm hoping to take this story further, but right now I just need to figure out what I'm writing. (I usually do this WHILE I'm writing the story, and I think it's very fun that way, but it sounded like you thought it was bad like that.) Like I said, I like writing for the entertainment, not for it to necessarily be good, so if it gets compliments that's a bonus.

I think you're right for the title, and I'll change it accordingly. I meant it to be titled so it would be "presented" to Newgrounds, not "about" it. You're right though, people might get the wrong idea.

Just soes you know, Sammi ISN'T a werewolf. Just to clear things up. ;)

[TheThing]

At 8/8/10 02:31 PM, earphonesan wrote: The poll is just there for entertainment. You're not really supposed to know how it'll affect the story, and neither am I.

To me, people only want to answer polls if they know why they are answering them. Even if it's just for fun, they want to see the ramifications. It may be to see how the population of a group (a website, town, organization etc.) thinks. Or in a case like this, they want to see a certain outcome. But, like I said, they won't answer the poll if they are unsure how it will play into the story, because each one is completely different from the other.

Right now I'm just completely improvising the story, so it probably won't be as good as it could be. I'm not a serious avid writer, I prefer to just enjoy what I write, and hopefully other people will enjoy it too.

You should always enjoy what you write. If you're not enjoying it, neither will the reader.

I'm hoping to take this story further, but right now I just need to figure out what I'm writing. (I usually do this WHILE I'm writing the story, and I think it's very fun that way, but it sounded like you thought it was bad like that.)

Writing is a combination of improve and pre-planning. Every story should have an idea of where it's going. Let's say Sammi is being hunted for science/profit. You should have certain plot points in mind - she gets chased, discovers why she is being chased, confronts the group chasing her, then kills them. How each of the story reaches those points will be thought of in the moment.

The amount of pre-planning depends on the writer. Some just have an introduction and an endpoint, then create from there. Others plan exactly what will occur at every turn of the story. But they all have an idea what is going to happen, whether they are writing for fun or looking to push an idea.