Script W.I.P., criticism wanted.

[ThePortalGuru]

So, I tried my hand at some screenwriting (note, haven't added the proper formatting yet), and jotted this minute-or-so-long dialog. Some feedback on it would be nice.
========================================
=
(BENJAMIN ROSS sits in an interrogation room with a flickering light above, handcuffed to the table in front of him)
(Enter INVESTIGATOR DUNN)

DUNN: You're one sick son of a bitch, I hope you know that.
BENJAMIN: Jumping to conclusions, aren't we, investigator? Seems to be a specialty of yours.

(DUNN takes out a remote and presses a large black button in the center. A projector lowers behind BENJAMIN, and a picture of the exterior of a grocery store is displayed)

DUNN: Look familiar? It's the same market where the authorities found you, knife in hand, fingers covered in blood.
BEN: And?
DUNN: And, about 10 feet away, we found your victim.

(DUNN presses another button on the remote, and a picture of a bloodied, armless victim is displayed, with a chunk carved out of their chest cavity)

BENJAMIN: Nathan-
DUNN: In this room, you'll refer to me as Investigator Dunn.
BENJAMIN: Fine. Investigator Dunn, whatever happened to that little concept of "innocent before proven guilty"?
DUNN: (Laughs) You're really asking about that crap now? We have enough evidence in front of us to lock you up for life, Ross. You'd only embarrass yourself by trying to get out of thi-
BENJAMIN: Let's say I am guilty.
DUNN: So you're admitting to it? The great Benjamin Ross, sinking to cold-blooded-
BENJAMIN: Let's say I did kill it. About how much time am I looking at?
DUNN: Life without parole, pretty standard for - wait, "it"?
BENJAMIN: Nath-
DUNN: Investigator Dunn
BENJAMIN: INVESTIGATOR DUNN, in my line of work-
DUNN: What, that crackpot job as a paranormal investigator? I never could see why the chief let you-
BENJAMIN: Let me finish. In my line of work, you need to wake up everyday with an open mind. My outlook is to accept any and all possible outcomes for a situation, even the ones that might not be possible.
DUNN: What does this have to do with the fact that there's a man dead out there and blood on your fingers?
BENJAMIN: Investigator, the theory I'm about to propose to you might not make sense to you. I want you to open yourself up to the idea that the truth itself might not make sense.
DUNN: (Grunting) I'm listening.
BENJAMIN: What if this "victim" that I supposedly "murdered" wasn't a he or she? What if the body wasn't male or female, but really was - to put it simply - an "it"?
DUNN: You're nuts, Ross.
BENJAMIN: Has the victim been identified yet?
DUNN: No, the face was disfigured beyond recognition.
BENJAMIN: Then how can you be sure?
DUNN: What?
BENJAMIN: How can you be sure that what I'm saying might not be so far off from the truth?
DUNN: What are you trying to - ?

(DUNN is interrupted by a loud knocking on the Investigation Room door)

VOICE: (Yelling) Dunn, you in there?
DUNN: Yeah, right here.
VOICE: Is Benjamin Ross with you?
DUNN: Yeah. What about him?

(Door opens. Enter POLICE CHIEF TERRANCE BRADLEY)

BRADLEY: (Pointing to BENJAMIN) Ross, you're coming with me.

(DUNN stands up at and looks at BRADLEY)

DUNN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this about? This bastard is a murderer! What, do you want him to go and cut up another innocent person? I want to know who authorized his release.
BRADLEY: You're looking at him.
BENJAMIN: Nice to see such a warm change of heart, Terry.
DUNN: (Staring coldly at BENJAMIN) Don't you try to smartass your way out of this. (Looking back at BRADLEY) Why, though? What reason could possibly be good enough to let Benjamin off the hook?
BRADLEY: The victim's corpse just got back from autopsy. It's safe to say that this body isn't human.

[TheThing]

This dialog brings up an interesting premise, and I'm curious to see where you take it. A few things though:

1) Every time Dunn said "blood on your fingers", it was like nails on a chalk board. Blood on your hands would be more appropriate. And besides that phrase, if Ross really mutilated the body as crazily as he did, then there would be splatter all over him, not just on his hands/fingers.

2) There are other ways to figure out if a body is male or female besides the face. In fact, that could be a poor measure, as there are some men who have feminine features and women who have masculine features. You can use your imagination for a quick way to see if the victim is a male or female. While DNA and other more scientific ways are being investigated

3) For being friends, Dunn is a real asshole to Ross. I mean, there hasn't been enough exposition for me to get a good read on Dunn's character, but the way it seems to me, he doesn't feel any sympathy for his supposed friend. They may have a rivalry going, or some animosity between the 2, but for 2 people to be on a first name basis with each other, they should be at least friendly, and Dunn should be less of a douche in this kind of a situation.

Other than that, this is a solid script with an interesting idea. I'm curious to see where this will go, and while I don't have enough characterization, you presented characters that I'm interested in seeing more of.

[ThePortalGuru]

Thanks for the helpful critique, Thing.

1) Every time Dunn said "blood on your fingers", it was like nails on a chalk board. Blood on your hands would be more appropriate. And besides that phrase, if Ross really mutilated the body as crazily as he did, then there would be splatter all over him, not just on his hands/fingers.

Yeah, I wasn't to sure about that phrasing myself. I'm still working on how to put in some natural sounding words, phrases and dialog into this script. I'll be sure to change that. Maybe red-handed might be a good alternative, but it seems to be overused in a lot of scripts.

2) There are other ways to figure out if a body is male or female besides the face. In fact, that could be a poor measure, as there are some men who have feminine features and women who have masculine features. You can use your imagination for a quick way to see if the victim is a male or female. While DNA and other more scientific ways are being investigated

I'm going to change that part up a bit to describe a little bit more about the victim's looks. Thanks for pointing that out.

3) For being friends, Dunn is a real asshole to Ross. I mean, there hasn't been enough exposition for me to get a good read on Dunn's character, but the way it seems to me, he doesn't feel any sympathy for his supposed friend. They may have a rivalry going, or some animosity between the 2, but for 2 people to be on a first name basis with each other, they should be at least friendly, and Dunn should be less of a douche in this kind of a situation.

This isn't apparent from the script, but Ross has a habit of calling people by their first name. Notice how he calls Bradley Terry instead of Chief. Ross and Dunn have always had a pretty shaky relationship.

Other than that, this is a solid script with an interesting idea. I'm curious to see where this will go, and while I don't have enough characterization, you presented characters that I'm interested in seeing more of.

Thank you! I'm planning to write more.

[TheThing]

At 8/8/10 03:00 PM, ThePortalGuru wrote: Thanks for the helpful critique, Thing.

No problem. Nothing makes me angrier when I post a work, and all I get is "that was pretty good", I try to make my reviews as in-depth as possible.

Yeah, I wasn't to sure about that phrasing myself. I'm still working on how to put in some natural sounding words, phrases and dialog into this script. I'll be sure to change that. Maybe red-handed might be a good alternative, but it seems to be overused in a lot of scripts.

Don't be afraid to use cliched phrases every once in a while. If it doesn't happen often, the reader won't notice. And it's not a big deal in a script; this is supposed to be natural speech, and I don't try to think of new ways to avoid a cliche in mid conversation. Of course, you still shouldn't fall back on cliches very often, but occasionally it's excusable.

This isn't apparent from the script, but Ross has a habit of calling people by their first name. Notice how he calls Bradley Terry instead of Chief. Ross and Dunn have always had a pretty shaky relationship.

Yeah, Like I said, there hasn't been much exposition so I was going off of what I could interpret from what you wrote. Which, by the way, you did a good job of establishing the personalities and relationship of the 2 main characters without smacking the reader in the face and yelling "LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS I CREATED! LOOK AT ALL OF THEIR CHARACTERISTICS! AREN'T THEY SWELL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE!"