Story for Newgrounds.

[earphonesan]

This is for Newgrounds from me, but steal it, and I'll hunt you down. This is just a preview, but I'd still very much appreciate your critiques and comments. Please follow if you like it, 'cause I'll be writing more soon.

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/504519

Also, feel free to suggest all kinds of fun or wacky names! (Nothing crude please.) If I like one, I might use it! I'm naming the main character myself, but seeing as how this IS for Newgrounders, you guys should have a say in what goes. Sweet! I like the idea of an interactive short story!

[earphonesan]

Part one:

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/504607

Comments?

[earphonesan]

Part 3:

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/505064

Comment would be appreciated.

[tinytim12]

dude, i would recommend you break up your dialogue into one paragraph for one line. It's the general practice for all writers.

[TheThing]

I'm glad to see that you've taken some of the advise given. Some find it hard to heed advice so quickly.

I agree with Tiny over here; paragraph out the dialog. You can block it up by who said it, but I believe it's proper grammar to space it out. For example:

"Jasper." She said, as she made her way down the spiral steps. She heard Jasper give an irritated hiss. "What?" He said in an annoyed voice. "Some guy dropped this in front of my room." "Congratulations." Jasper said,

Should be this:

"Jasper." She said, as she made her way down the spiral steps. She heard Jasper give an irritated hiss.

"What?" He said in an annoyed voice.

"Some guy dropped this in front of my room."

"Congratulations." Jasper said,

You can add more action to the dialog as you see fit.

But as a series, I feel like it's going nowhere. Yes, it is well written, has some great characterization and good action, but overall there is very little plot progress. At this point in the story, you should have introduced more of the overarching plot by now. I know you've established the amulet, but there should be more. Have her really look at the amulet; investigate it, see if something moves, or if there's an inscription.

I feel like you've wasted a lot of space establishing a characteristics that have already been established or inferred. Like her ability to fight; as a part-wolf, I understand that she's got some badass moves in a fight. I don't need to read about her fighting some thugs off. Or the fact that Jasper doesn't give a shit; why would Sammi even bring up the amulet with Jasper? She would have better luck going door to door.

I say before you churn out a few more chapters, figure out what you want to happen at the end of Part 5, and how to get there. Then figure out what's going to happen at the end of Part 7, or Part 10, then figure out how to get there. It's clear that you're just stringing the story along until you figure out what's going on.

[Coop]

How many words are you writing per part for this? It seems that you could quite easily amalgamate parts 1-3 into one postable part and give the readers what they want moreso - a readable piece that holds their attention, as opposed to a short, sharp work that leaves them unfulfilled.

Don't get me wrong, the writing is good and will only improve with practice, but consider your target audience, before jumping in feet first.

[earphonesan]

Thanks, once again very helpful, and I'll try hard to make it even better.

[earphonesan]

Part 4:

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/506315

Comments? Do tell.

[TheThing]

At 8/12/10 05:50 PM, earphonesan wrote: http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/506315

I'm glad you've listened to all of our comments, and I find it just as interesting to watch your progress as it is to read the story. But I do has a few issues with this chapter.

From a technical standpoint, everything is good, but I do have 2 issues. For starters, never address the reader unless it's already been established that the narrator is telling a story directly to the reader. I'm talking about the "Wasn't it OBVIOUS that she wasn't alright?" part. The sudden change in narrative takes the reader out of the story. And never, ever use caps lock unless you're abbreviating a proper noun or having a character yelling that particular word(s).

Secondly, try to have a better cliff hanger ending. While "you'll kill yourself!" is dramatic, it doesn't really lend itself to something that would make me eager to read more. Now, if "Sammi felt something enter her right shoulder, and after a few seconds, her mind became fuzzy. She fought less and less, and found the gurney she was being placed on to be exactly what she needed. Her eyelids drooped as a man in a stark white uniform said 'The sedative is taking effect. Get her to surgery now!' And Sammi was quickly rolled into a mystical dreamland.", it would be a good cliff hanger; the reader understands that she's getting the help she needs, resolving this chapter's plot, but at the same time, creates a series of questions in the readers' head. Is her secret exposed? How do the surgeons and nurses handle the secret, if discovered? With that ending, I want to know what's going to happen next. You don't have to use my example, but you do need to add a little bit to the end.

Now that I've explained that stuff, I want to talk about the biggest problem I have with this chapter. The plot. It makes, absolutely, no sense. Nothing logical happens at all. Okay, she's shot, she's bleeding, she needs to fix that. Assuming that she never took the time in her thousand-year existence to learn how to patch herself up, she can either walk the few blocks back to the apartment and do what she can (which could lead to some gruesome descriptions of her trying to get the bullet out). Or she can run 7.5 miles to the hospital and reveal her secret, in order to get proper help. So, as blood is pouring out of her leg and the muscles tightening, she is able to sprint for roughly 7 miles, then when she gets to the hospital, she doesn't want to be there, but is unable use her 7-mile-sprint strength to fend off a nurse or 2. I understand she's injured and scared, but her common sense shouldn't have been effected that much.

Don't worry, it shouldn't be hard to bring this back to Plausible Land. The easiest thing to do is make the hospital closer. With a few keystrokes, it can go from 7.5 miles to 7.5 blocks, or some other, more reasonable distance. Even if you decide to rewrite the chapter, a reasonably distanced hospital would make that thought become more rational. And if you do, have her move slower; if she's injured enough to risk exposing her secret, it has to be pretty bad, and therefore limiting her movement. Then, when she gets to the hospital, Sammi should be complacent; she's faint from the blood loss and pain, and just wants to be healed. Or you can have her go home, and rummage through her apartment to see if she can McGyver some medical instruments. But in either scenario, you need to be consistent.

Like I said, you've come a long way from the first chapter, have vastly improved your technical ability, and have a good story on your hands. But this new chapter makes me rethink that last part. Remember what I said initially; you need to have an idea of where you're going. that goes for each chapter, not just the story as a whole. You need to have a plan on how you want each chapter to end, and figure out to get there.

[earphonesan]

At 8/16/10 12:56 AM, TheThing wrote: I'm glad you've listened to all of our comments, and I find it just as interesting to watch your progress as it is to read the story.

If I've made progress, it's thanks to this kind of constructive (And painfully honest) criticism. I'm not overtly fond of getting my writings slammed, but that's often the best thing for it.

I guess I should go over the last chapter, and maybe tie up the loose ends.

:Okay, she's shot, she's bleeding, she needs to fix that. Assuming that she never took the time in her thousand-year existence to learn how to patch herself up, she can either walk the few blocks back to the apartment and do what she can (which could lead to some gruesome descriptions of her trying to get the bullet out). Or she can run 7.5 miles to the hospital and reveal her secret, in order to get proper help. So, as blood is pouring out of her leg and the muscles tightening, she is able to sprint for roughly 7 miles, then when she gets to the hospital, she doesn't want to be there, but is unable use her 7-mile-sprint strength to fend off a nurse or 2.

This is probably the best advice given. When I read this, I thought, "Snap, that's true! She can run 7.5 miles while shot, but can't fight off a weak man, or nurses?"

I'll definitely go over that, but there is a reason for her to go to the hospital. While it's a cool idea you mentioned with the bloody self-healing, I don't think it would be as easy to introduce any new characters if she immediately shuts herself up in her apartment.

Whatever the case, you're right, I should just spend some time designing a better plot, and figure out how it'll effect each chapter. That means I probably won't post anything new to this story for a while, but I'm hoping it'll be worth it. I really enjoy the character I have here, and I'm hoping I can turn this into an enjoyable read. Thanks again for the help.

[TheThing]

At 8/16/10 01:53 AM, earphonesan wrote:

At 8/16/10 12:56 AM, TheThing wrote: I'm glad you've listened to all of our comments, and I find it just as interesting to watch your progress as it is to read the story.

If I've made progress, it's thanks to this kind of constructive (And painfully honest) criticism.

While it may not be given by everyone who reads the works of the Writing Forum, the people who frequent it like to help other writers out.

I'm not overtly fond of getting my writings slammed, but that's often the best thing for it.

It may seem harsh, but just focusing on the stuff that worked doesn't make something better. Yeah, it's nice to hear how good that piece was, but to say why it sucked and how to fix it makes you a better writer.

As stated by me and others, you're a good writer. We're just trying to make you better. I'm also a pompous, douchebaggy know-it-all who believes he's a god-like writer, and is only here to help you poor mortals, and this is part of that.

I guess I should go over the last chapter, and maybe tie up the loose ends.

This is probably the best advice given. When I read this, I thought, "Snap, that's true! She can run 7.5 miles while shot, but can't fight off a weak man, or nurses?"

What I wrote was just a summation of everything I was thinking after the first paragraph. Oh, and something I just thought of to add to those original thoughts; why does the guy who helps her into the hospital not realize that she was just running at super-speeds?

I'll definitely go over that, but there is a reason for her to go to the hospital. While it's a cool idea you mentioned with the bloody self-healing, I don't think it would be as easy to introduce any new characters if she immediately shuts herself up in her apartment.

You do have me there. But there are ways to get new characters out of the apartment route. She stabilizes the wound, but when she goes out to get some actual medical supplies, her leg just can't take it anymore, and gives out. A guy finds her, helps her to her feet, catches a glimpse of her tail. Sammi swears him to secrecy, he treats her wounds, they become forced friends.

Or, avoiding either direction, somebody hears the gunshot, sees that she's hurt and conscious, brings her to his/her house, treats her, befriends her. Either way, the secret is limited to 1 person, and the character can either help her in a larger plot as the sidekick, or be the plot (the person is a secret agent sent to abduct her, etc.)

Whatever the case, you're right, I should just spend some time designing a better plot, and figure out how it'll effect each chapter. That means I probably won't post anything new to this story for a while, but I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

An example an English liked to use about time was Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven. It took him 10 years to write the poem, but it's the epitome of perfection. From rhyme scheme, to meter, to word choice, this poem is by far the most technically perfect poem ever written (whether it's the best poem is up to you). Based on what you've written so far, I'll be waiting to see what you have in store for little old Sammi.

But like I said, you don't have to have an overall plot completely figured out. You can just focus on each chapter. But you need to treat each one like a story, without a resolution or falling action; the exposition is the "catching up" of the previous chapter, then you have the action, and end the chapter with the climax.

To use Chapter 4 (with my revised end) as an example of what you can do: 1)Sammi is shot. She decides to go to hospital. 2) She runs to hospital. 3)Sammi is sent to surgery. I have my story arc for the chapter, with plenty of room for improv, and I've opened the door for chapter 5. Now, in the back of my mind, I'll have an even rougher idea of how I want this story to go, but that will be extremely flexible based on the events of each Chapter.

I really enjoy the character I have here, and I'm hoping I can turn this into an enjoyable read.

It was enjoyable until the story became illogical. Even the fight in Chapter 3 was good storytelling. While I felt it unnecessary, it's a tried-and-true way to make sure that the reader and the author are on the same page about the attributes of the character. It's why James Bond movies always open with a (usually) meaningless gun battle; to establish James Bond as being a badass with elite shooting and fighting skills. You've done the same thing here; you established every aspect of Sammi's character and abilities over the first 3 chapters, along with planting the seeds for the larger plot.

Thanks again for the help.

No problem. Us amateur authors need to help each other out if we want to move up. I'm just sharing what I've learned through school and practice, along with stuff I've noticed in literature.

[earphonesan]

Right, SO... I've given it some thought, and rewrote the fourth part. Hopefully, this will make more sense.

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/506315

Comments?

[TheThing]

At 8/25/10 06:03 PM, earphonesan wrote: Right, SO... I've given it some thought, and rewrote the fourth part. Hopefully, this will make more sense.
Comments?

Much better. Just about everything that was wrong with the previous version has been fixed here. Everything makes sense, the narration is smooth, and the action is solid. In fact, I have almost nothing bad to say for this one. It was a very good chapter. But there is one thing that I do want to address.

This felt like filler; there was very little plot progression. Yeah, she decided to go home and she met some guy, but nothing was resolved from the previous chapter. With serials, you want to resolve the cliffhanger from the last chapter and make a new cliffhanger for the next one. At the very least, you want to start a definite resolve from the previous problems. You've been pumping out stories relatively quickly, so it's not that vital for you to follow my suggestions. But it is something you need to think about when writing in order to make the reader feel full enough to be content, but hungry enough to keep them coming back. If you need any further explanation on that, just ask.

But other than that, keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great.

[earphonesan]

Here we go, part 5.

http://earphonesan.newgrounds.com/news/p ost/514178

Comments?