Earthquake Shenanigans- short story

[VGmasters]

There is a girl who is in her early 20's. She is very sexy and she is also curvy and very fit. She loves to work out every few days a week. She is very good at fighting and self-defense, and knows a variety of fighting styles. She loves wearing all kinds of outfits and different fashion. She also loves modeling. She knows dozens upon dozens of different languages, both natural and constructed. She loves having sex and making out with different men, as well as flirting with them. She also loves drinking. She even loves seeing things get destroyed, as long as people aren't hurt. She loves the feeling of shock and awe at times.

She is very skilled at dancing and knows different styles such as hip-hop, latin, breakdancing, and dancehall. She loves standing in rain and also loves sweating the hot summer air. She is even skilled at different urban physical disciplines such as parkour, free running, tricking, and street stunts. She loves playing all kinds of video games such as RPGs, shooters, strategy games, fighters, racing games, sports games, puzzle games, rhythm games, and more. She loves everything about nature. She is very tough and hotheaded at times and you don't want to mess with her. She is also very soft-hearted at certain times and cries at certain things. She has so many interests a girl could have.

One day, where there weren't any earthquakes for several decades, one earthquake hit the place where she lives. She was in her room and it was shaking for at least five minutes. She loved it and thought it was sexy. A few hours later, she was walking outside and was at a park. She was wearing sneakers, shorts, a tank, and a thin light jacket. Suddenly, the ground started shaking and she looked down and saw the ground starting to crack. Her eyes were wide open and her mouth was completely open. The ground cracked even more. It was an extremely intense sight for her. Her heart was beating very fast and she breathed rapidly. She was in complete awe and she loved seeing the ground crack. She would never forget it.

Months and even years went on and she had been feeling all kinds earthquakes. There were all kinds of foreshocks, mainshocks, aftershocks, secondary aftershocks, bursts of aftershocks, swarms, earthquake doublets and multiplets, and slow earthquakes in her area and she felt so many of them. In fact, her area would be increasing in seismic activity even more. It was the first time she had that experience and she would remember is for the rest of her life.

[TheThing]

Wow, I guess I'll be the first to touch this. I'll do my best to be constructive.

First off, this girl loves a lot of things. Working out, video games, sex; you name it, she loves it. Try describing her differently. Rather than just having 2 paragraphs of this nameless girl loving everything, try different ways of describing her and her personality. Instead of "she loves to work out", try "she spent her mornings at the gym, developing her tone and fit body". Boom, 2 descriptions done in 1 more interesting sentence.

But the bigger question is, why the fuck are you writing all of this characterization to nameless girl if it has nothing to do with the plot? I don't give a fuck that she's a good dancer or she loves drinking, unless it will affect her in some way later on. Now, something like "She even loves seeing things get destroyed, as long as people aren't hurt. She loves the feeling of shock and awe at times." is relevant to the plot you set up, as she gets turned on by the various forms of earthquakes, but the fact that she plays RPG's doesn't matter.

The rest of the story really doesn't have any point. Yeah, I'm sure I can make some kind of metaphor out of nameless girl finding ground shaking to be sexy, but I doubt that was your intention, nor do I really want to try. Now, if there could be more added to this, say, she's killed by an earthquake or something, you might have a plot and a story. But as it stands, you have an opening and the beginnings of a body, then just close it off with "and she'll never forget this". Besides giving her pleasure, what do these earthquakes do to nameless girl where I'll care whether or not she'll remember those moments?

You might be able to go somewhere with this. Well, somebody else could go somewhere with this. You, on the other hand, don't currently have the ability to take this anywhere. You're free to try, because practice will help you become a better writer, but don't expect this to be your magnum opus (and if it is, you have a very long way to go)

[JohnEndel959]

I would agree mostly with TheThing, but here's my opinion.

You say that this is a short story, but is it, really? This is more of a character bio. I could imagine (the last two paragraphs, at least) being an introduction into a story, but there isn't any conflict. There's no story here, at least to me.

I would slash the first two paragraphs and eliminate the "sexy" parts (girl turned on by Earthquakes? hows about just fascinated with them, drawn to them?), if you want to move on. Or just try to write some bizarro nsfw thing, I don't care.

[Niallmcfc]

TBH I was expecting some bizzare NSFW thing in there. The title is all wrong, for a start. Earthquake Shenanigans? But nothing happened! It does seem to me heavily like a character bio, and could be better written in a fact file kind of format. Also, you've thought of everything you wish where in a woman and listed them as they came to you. Because of that there's nothing hugely interesting in there. It could easily just have been a bullet point list.