Organ Trails Preview

[AROSOFTHEDESERT]

Organ Trails

My name is Cole, Cole Harris. Im am, I was an inmate in the Manhattan Correction Facility. I got out yesterday on the worse of terms. Everyone there is dead, and not by human hands. These bull things attacked us, or at least that's the way I could describe the, beasts. They were at least six feet in length, and had two massive horns.. They had a gelatinous body besides the horns.. They didn't seem to have a goal, like eating or making new beasts, they just wanted to kill.

We got out of lockdown at three o'clock on april thirteenth, like we did every day. I got into the courtyard when I heard gunfire. I stayed back, not wanting to get into a riot or anything, but I started to wonder why are guards, and prisoners running from whatever is going on. I ran in to see what was happening when I saw Bad, my next cell neighbor getting his face pounded in by one of the 'bulls'.

I ran, quickly and silently past it, heading for the entrance, prisoner or not I was not going to stay in there with those things. They didn't hesitate to impale something, and they didn't make much work of doors either. I was at a disadvantadge, these things wanted to and could kill me and I didn't know anything about what the hell was going on.

I was able to sneak out of there no problem, but the things were right behind me. I turned and saw the 'bull' rip right through the bullet proof glass. I had lost all hope when I saw this happen. I ran down the empty, car ridden street. Why was it so empty? I though. Where is everyone? Probably dead now.

The bull had stopped following me, like its gotten some sort of job to do by killing everyone in the prison. It had been 17 years since I had seen the outside, and been able to walk 'free'. There was no one there, no one at all. The streets were as barren as a holocaust movie. I had wondered if the cars worked, I doubt they did or else some one would have driven them out of here. There was a small house with the door open. I decided to hole up there until I can figure out what happened.

[HeroDan]

I like it, although i couldn't really understand that "gelatinous body" term. Also, if you need any names for characters, I'm free :D

[RWT]

Hey, not bad for a first shot. Just a few tips-

Edit more. I'm seeing case errors and run on sentences.
Try to flesh out the story more. It could use a lot more description of different things. Especially the beasts and the narrator.

Also, there's no such thing as 'Manhattan Correctional Facility.' Just me being nit-picky ^_^

[AROSOFTHEDESERT]

At 8/5/10 05:52 PM, HeroDan wrote: I like it, although i couldn't really understand that "gelatinous body" term. Also, if you need any names for characters, I'm free :D

Thank you but i have all the names decided. By "gelatinous" i mean squishy, or puss like, or goey and slimy looking.