My poetry.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Frenzied bleeding
So misleading
Killing, chilling
So much screaming
I will slice out your heart
Body parts becoming art
Grinding, blinding
Flesh unwinding
Crush your skull
always reminding
Me of my scorn

[keioss01]

No real sense of direction.
Wordplay is subpar.
Overall this poem sucks... just kidding.
Seriously though, it needs MORE work.

[DM692]

It was decent, but the lines "I will slice out your heart" and then the last two kind of ruined the flow.

Also,

SKEWERED, FROM EAR TO EEEYEEEE.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Thanks for the comments guys.

And the Cannibal Corpse picture

Blood drips down my cheek
Into the passing dark
Flesh the taste on my lips
Teeth leave their mark

Nourishment,
Refinement,
Beauty,
Glory,
I stand by your side
My body is gory
Piercing your skin like razor sharp nails
I spot my next feast, tasty entrails

It's rather odd, but I cannot hide
My love for meat, and cannibalistic pride.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Everything I do
Is because of you
You have made me suffer
Now you suffer too

Running out of patience
I know where you're at
Fucking piece of filth
You were just a rat

There is
No time
For your
Goodbyes

I
Will cut
Out both
Your eyes

You are
Everything
That I
Despise

Everything I do
Is because of you
You have made me suffer
Now you suffer too

I will burn your family
Cook them in a vat
That burns...
them
Melts...
them
Tortures...
them
Kills...
them...

[psuedojesus]

Breathe.
You don't need to kill every little thing that stands in your path. A little self-control won't hurt?

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

At 7/30/10 02:24 AM, psuedojesus wrote: Breathe.
You don't need to kill every little thing that stands in your path. A little self-control won't hurt?

This comment makes me want to murder kittens by putting them in a blender full of my own shit, then putting it on the highest possible setting.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Plague of Humanity

Look around you at this race
Meat and cannon fodder
Never a bigger fall from grace
Then this wasteful slaughter

I look at this and all I see
Is murder and unrest
Blood flows out, how could this be?
Of killing I detest

The disease cuts wounds so deep
The world is completely covered
Nature scared so bad I weep
Unholy consequence discovered

The curse of flesh and blood and bone
Rape the goodness of life
All that this scourge knows
Is war, darkness and strife

[chairmankem]

There's barely any content or meter in it and it seems like you have very little idea on how to make it flow. For example, in the second poem, the insertion of the word "cannibalistic" completely ruins it; if you replace it with a two-syllable word, preferably one with a stressed and then unstressed syllable, it would sound a lot better. Also, in the fourth one, all the lines are comprised of different numbers of syllables, so it sounds uneven.

Also, killing and murdering are not exactly great themes for poetry in themselves, especially since your poems are somewhat short and lacking in content. All it really seems to tell me is that you can string a bunch of words with negative connotations together and think it sounds badass.

Are you trying to write grindcore songs or poetry? Because these might make passable song lyrics, at least.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

At 11/7/10 04:53 AM, chairmankem wrote: There's barely any content or meter in it and it seems like you have very little idea on how to make it flow. For example, in the second poem, the insertion of the word "cannibalistic" completely ruins it; if you replace it with a two-syllable word, preferably one with a stressed and then unstressed syllable, it would sound a lot better. Also, in the fourth one, all the lines are comprised of different numbers of syllables, so it sounds uneven.

Also, killing and murdering are not exactly great themes for poetry in themselves, especially since your poems are somewhat short and lacking in content. All it really seems to tell me is that you can string a bunch of words with negative connotations together and think it sounds badass.

Are you trying to write grindcore songs or poetry? Because these might make passable song lyrics, at least.

Sometimes I think of making them into songs, as to what they are literally, I just think it's easier to classify them all as poems. I thank you for the advice, but remember that poems do not need meter in them to be poems. Look at the other techniques used in them and you will see that is indeed very poetic.

As for the badass thing, I just have a preference to writing things like this. I don't have an urge to write things about how depressed I am or how "wonderful" a walk in the park is.

Thanks for your critique, I will take it into consideration.

[SohlTofang]

At 7/28/10 12:25 AM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote: Frenzied bleeding
So misleading
Killing, chilling
So much screaming
I will slice out your heart
Body parts becoming art
Grinding, blinding
Flesh unwinding
Crush your skull
always reminding
Me of my scorn

You should label this "Ted Kaczynski"

[chairmankem]

At 11/8/10 09:38 AM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote: I thank you for the advice, but remember that poems do not need meter in them to be poems. Look at the other techniques used in them and you will see that is indeed very poetic.

Well, it doesn't really have much of anything else. I see you can rhyme simple words like 'heart' and 'art' together. Or that you can rhyme anything that ends in "-ing." A structured usage of meter is like using precise brush strokes on a painting, where complete disregard for form is like finger paint.

As for the badass thing, I just have a preference to writing things like this. I don't have an urge to write things about how depressed I am or how "wonderful" a walk in the park is.

You've never experienced extreme violence. You're not even writing a particularly descriptive poem about violence either; it's just a bunch of adjectives and present participles in a sentence that kinda rhymes but obviously much thought wasn't put into that.

[Dr-Worm]

As other people have mentioned, these seem more like song lyrics than poems. That said, aside from some awkward bits here and there, I actually think your flow is pretty good. You make the sort of halting, choppy nature of it work, and I guess it's fitting for this...uh...genre.

As always, though, my problem is with content. There is literally an infinite number of subjects in human thought, feeling, experience, and imagination that you could write about, and you have chosen to exclusively focus on glorifying horrific acts of violence with little or no context or descriptiveness. It's far too over-the-top to be disturbing, far too personal to be funny, and far too blunt to be evocative, so I don't really know what you're going for here.

What you say isn't nearly as important as how you say it. With that in mind, I think that with a little work, you have it in you to write some pretty good stuff. Or failing that, at least some pretty effective stuff.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

Chair, I was planning on taking your criticism politely until you arrogantly assumed my history. You don't know shit about what I have seen, and I've seen plenty of shit. These poems are just the tip of the iceburg, just keep that in mind.

Other techniques I use are repetition, metaphor, and occasionally alliteration. I also use imagery plenty of times.

Thank you for your time.

[chairmankem]

At 11/9/10 09:49 AM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote: Chair, I was planning on taking your criticism politely until you arrogantly assumed my history. You don't know shit about what I have seen, and I've seen plenty of shit.

I was trying to take you at least half-seriously, but this just kinda threw all your credibility out the window.

These poems are just the tip of the iceburg, just keep that in mind.

I seriously doubt that.

repetition,

Wow, repetition is really creative. Repetition is really creative.

metaphor,

My metaphors are like a burning river of blood and sadness.

and occasionally alliteration.

It doesn't change much.

I also use imagery plenty of times.

Summary: blood, death, and more blood. And as I said before, I doubt you've actually seen that much blood and death.

Thank you for your time.

Also, stop it with the "thank you for your time" nonsense; obviously my entire purpose for writing this is to discourage you from thinking this is good.

[chairmankem]

I reread your poems and I saw no alliteration worth noting, too.

They seem to be a half-hearted attempt at glorifying violence anyway. If the content here was just the tip of the iceberg, you would probably have written something like this. Not some middle-school grade trash like:

"I will slice out your heart/body parts becoming art"
"there is no time for your goodbyes/I will cut out both your eyes/you are everything that I despise"
"you have made me suffer/now you suffer too"
"look around you at this race/meat and cannon fodder"

As Dr-Worm said, you overdo the use of words like 'bleeding', 'killing' and 'slaughter' too much to make it disturbing, the tone is too serious, and far too blunt to be evocative of anything except violence. It's like the difference between a kindergarten finger-painting and Monet.

[LarxII]

chairmankem you talk big for someone who has posted nothing useful on here. With that said, I think that you should be descriptive and not so much just shoving violent words into stanzas. It is effective at grabbing a readers attention but doesn't really convey emotion other than "omg I wanna kill shit."