When u know your heart breaks poem

[FallLeaves]

You stumble,
yet you are humble,
How can you stand this disaster,
Your heart races faster,
Nothing you have ever felt before,
as you hit the floor,
The crystal tear drops fell upon your face,
Will you ever be able to replace?

You are lost,
All you see through your eyes is frost,
You are so embossed.

What to do now,
How can GOD allow this to happen?
You fell like your in the snow...
So cold, so lonely.
Aggressively pounding on the floor,
Your throat is getting soar.
You swore to her,
"Ill never forget you"
As she lay her head in your Hand.
You had dent planned for this..
for a long time.
Until..The day where you met Death.

[MonkeyV]

Not working for me, unfortunately.
A lot of the rhymes seemed forced, especially with the whole ABABAB... scheme. Also, the concept of it is just lacking in originality and creativity. It's another angsty love poem.

In short, you should work on using more interesting rhyme schemes (or not using one at all), stop choosing words just because they rhyme, and pick more interesting/original concepts in the future.

[FallLeaves]

Its not a love poem if you shall know.Its about my dog dying. I am a FEMALE poet. Here read this one.... this one has no rhyming or anything in it.

She was so unique,
So special,
Your whole life,
No point within yourself without---Her.

Life is so plain,
Just black $ white,
The same ol' people walking by,

The earth is a war,
A never ending war,
Just blood and tears,
Within these walls.

Pictures of her,
Are just torture,
Within --- surprisingly your family.
Just the simple, delicate media box.
Is a horrid thing, just mocking you,
With the presence of her.

It will be a never ending story
A never ending one,
Unitl you grow older, and sadly but knowingly forget,
After many years of practicing to remember

[JKiloEcho]

At 7/23/10 03:50 AM, MonkeyV wrote: Not working for me, unfortunately.
A lot of the rhymes seemed forced, especially with the whole ABABAB... scheme. Also, the concept of it is just lacking in originality and creativity. It's another angsty love poem.

In short, you should work on using more interesting rhyme schemes (or not using one at all), stop choosing words just because they rhyme, and pick more interesting/original concepts in the future.

Yeah, sorry, I agree with MonkeyV. Try to mix up the rhymes but rehearse it over in your head and write what sounds natural. A good start for poems like this is to simply brainstorm which feelings the poem is going to be trying to evoke in the audience -- even when brainstorming, you can write your ideas in actual sentences. For example, when writing a poem for a loved one, I once started writing things like:

"I love the way you ____."
"I love you because ____."

And a few dozen things like that. In the end, the whole poem was based on these original thoughts and the end result was a really powerful, truthful product. Good luck.

[TreadVigorously]

If you wish to work within a rhyme scheme like that, it is quite alright. However, there are many ways to follow the rhyme scheme without out limiting your word choice. If you remember to make use of little things like assonance or partial rhymes, you can end your lines without exact rhyme and still maintain the flow. Also, when you finish getting your ideas down, take a look at the syllables in your writing. Balancing out your syllables is an excellent way to maintain the flow of a piece, in my opinion.

If you really want an example of the many ways to use rhyme to move a piece, I suggest Bob Dylan. His lyrics rarely ever need the music he provides for them.

Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt haha.

[TheThing]

At 7/23/10 04:53 AM, JKiloEcho wrote: And a few dozen things like that. In the end, the whole poem was based on these original thoughts and the end result was a really powerful, truthful product. Good luck.

That's exactly how you should start any poem that you want to rhyme. You get the lines down that express the ideas, themes, and emotions you want to express, then try to reword them to fit into a rhyme scheme you feel suits the poem. For an example off the top of my head:

I love your laugh
And the way you talk

Turns into:

I loved your response to a joke
and that lovely way you spoke.

[Kavadica]

-Writes down tips-
I am nto sure why but I could not.... catch the flow, its just me though I guess

[FallLeaves]

Its about my dog dying sooo yeah ITS NOT ABOUT A GIRL OR A BOY