Give Me Feedback On This Script?

[Da-Master-of-Puppets]

OK So I'm doing a short web series with my friends that we're going to post on Youtube. It's called Sniper, but the full title isn't fully finished yet. The basic plot is their is a guy who goes by the name of Sniper and he's the world's top assassin, his main trait is the fact that he never ever misses a single shot. Whatever gun he uses, he always hits exactly what he's aiming for. Then there's a guy called Miles who also wants to be an assassin, and he's pretty fucking good too. Sniper and Miles then get jobs to kill each other, so it kinda becomes an assassin vs assassin thing. So I've written the script for the first scene and being my first script I don't know if it's all that great. So we'd appreciate it if you had a quick flick through and give us an opinion on it.

Establishing shot of outside Warehouse. Bird's-eye shot of Miles entering Warehouse from inside. Mid shot of Miles from behind, phone rings and he turns to face camera as he answers phone.

Sniper (On Phone): What are you doing here Miles?

Miles: You know why I'm here.

Sniper: Actually, as a matter of fact I don't, the only conclusion I can draw is that you've realized just... just how worthless you are and you've come to end this thing you call a life.

Miles: I still got some fight left in me.

Sniper: You wont for long.

Loud gunshot as Miles jumps to the side to hide behind a crate, blood splatters from Miles' ear. Camera remains facing where Miles was, it zooms in to show Sniper pointing a rifle at the camera.

Sniper (Yelling): You must be a fucking dipshit if you actually came to MY hideout to try an kill me. Don't you know I've never lost a fucking gunfight? There's a reason they call me the man who never misses y'know!

Miles: Ahhh fuck that hurts!

Sniper: Chuckles - Gotcha right in the ear didn't I? Exactly where I was aiming. Can you hear me Miles? Or are you too shit for brains to understand a word I'm saying!

Miles: I just came to talk to you! (Miles stays behind the cover as he yells to Sniper)

Sniper: I'm not that fucking stupid Miles, I know that if you wanted to talk you could have made one quick phone call. I know you have a revolver in your left pocket.

Miles pulls the revolver out of his left pocket and jumps up to shoot Sniper. Sniper immediately shoots the gun out of his hand.

Sniper (Laughing): Killing you is gonna be easier than I thought!

Miles: Why the fuck do you wanna kill me? What do you want!!

Sniper: There's a lot of things I want Miles. I want a million dollars. I want the worlds biggest cock. I want to live forever, and I WANT my Freedom... But you can't have everything you want, now can you Miles? You have to work for what you want, and here I am, working for what... I... want. And if you're gonna get in the way of what I want, then I WANT to kill you!
Miles: That makes sense I guess...

Sniper: Exactly. So why don't you poke your cute little head up so I can kiss it goodnight.

Miles: No thanks, I'm quite comfy here actually.

Sniper: I can wait all day darling.

Miles: So can I, sugar-tits.

10 Minutes Later...

Sniper: OK, this is going nowhere, what do you say we end this quickly?

Miles: What did you have in mind?

Sniper: No Rifles, no tricks, just a little one on one duel. One bullet, one gun, one shot, one death, one man walks away. Right here, right now.

Miles: Tempting... How do I know you won't shoot me in the back.

Sniper: C'mon you know me better then that Miles, I'm a man of my word, I could never lie to you.

Miles: I still don't know.

Sniper: OK, look, here's what I'll do. I'll take all the bullets out of my revolver, and I'll come down there and turn my back to you so there's no way I can shoot you.

Miles: I've heard some pretty big bullshit before but nothing as big as what passes your lips.

Sniper: Well here I come.

Sniper opens the chamber in his revolver as all the bullets drop to the floor. Sniper stands up and walks down to the bottom level slowly with his hands up.

Sniper: OK I'm ready, let's just end this quickly so I can go get a pizza.

Miles: (Takes a deep breath) Fine.

Miles stands up and slowly walks out from behind the crate to a few feet away from Sniper. They continue to stare at each other while Miles empties his gun chamber.

Sniper: Good boy. Now put one bullet in the chamber, and turn around with the gun at your side. Wild West style.

Sniper both turn their backs to each other and put one bullet in the chamber, then place the guns at their sides.

Sniper: Any last words Miles?

Miles: Only thing that comes to mind is... We all have it coming.

Sniper: I couldn't have put it better myself. (Long pause) Adios Mother Fucker.

Both quickly turn around and fire their guns at each other. The bullets hit each other and fall to the ground. There is a pause as they both stare at the bullets on the ground.

Sniper (Smiling): I told you, I never miss.

Sniper screams as he pulls a knife out of his back pocket and begins to run at Miles.

Transition to black screen. Title appears "Sniper - The man who never misses - To be concluded"

End.

Sorry about the wall of text but if anyone has the time, some feedback would be great. Also we're going for that thing where it's like the final scene first, then the next scene it rewinds back to the beggining as to how it came up to this scene.

[WrightOnTarget]

It feels too much like you're trying to be "cool", rather than tell a story you have planned out in advance. I sometimes write organically as well, but you need to do research on your subject matter. Write what you know, and if you don't know, find out. I get the impression that you know less about guns than you think you do.
How much about your characters do you know? Where were they born, what are their objectives? What do they want? Characters drive the story, it's important to know who they are as people. Your script feels like it's sacrificing characters for style and what you think are witty lines, as well as "badass" ones. It feels really cliched.
Also, you do too much directing on the page, it's a shooting script rather than a reading script.

[tinytim12]

At 7/10/10 10:14 PM, protoAuthor wrote: Characters drive the story, it's important to know who they are as people. Your script feels like it's sacrificing characters for style.

Actually, knowing the general population of Youtube, they would prefer style over characterization. More characterization would help, but style overall will be more important, unfortunately.

Anyway, that's only for Youtube.

[CaptinChu]

At 7/11/10 05:09 AM, tinytim12 wrote:

At 7/10/10 10:14 PM, protoAuthor wrote: Characters drive the story, it's important to know who they are as people. Your script feels like it's sacrificing characters for style.

Actually, knowing the general population of Youtube, they would prefer style over characterization. More characterization would help, but style overall will be more important, unfortunately.

Everybody loves good character development.

First of all, I like the idea of assassin vs. assassin. It's been done before, though, so you have to add something that makes it original. Give one or the other or both a handicap. By handicap, I don't mean "break his legs," I mean something that prevents him from completing the goal. It can be an emotional thing, like relationship or religion, it can be a physical thing, like one is bound to a wheelchair, it could be a mental thing, where one of them has some psychological problem like schizophrenia or bipolar or short term memory. (Two good movies on the subject of assassins with psychological problems: Safe House and Memento.)

I read a book called "The Screenwriter's Bible." One of the most important things it taught me, something that it emphasized over and over, was to "show" rather than "tell." Let's take a look at your script:

Miles: I still got some fight left in me.

Sniper: You wont for long.

Loud gunshot as Miles jumps to the side to hide behind a crate, blood splatters from Miles' ear. Camera remains facing where Miles was, it zooms in to show Sniper pointing a rifle at the camera.

Sniper (Yelling): You must be a fucking dipshit if you actually came to MY hideout to try an kill me. Don't you know I've never lost a fucking gunfight? There's a reason they call me the man who never misses y'know!

Miles: Ahhh fuck that hurts!

Sniper: Chuckles - Gotcha right in the ear didn't I? Exactly where I was aiming. Can you hear me Miles? Or are you too shit for brains to understand a word I'm saying!

That last line was really awkward. What kind of assassin says "Exactly where I was aiming." How about adding an action shot instead:

Sniper LINES UP his RIFLE at a STACK OF CRATES by the wall of the warehouse. As Miles makes a run for the CRATES, Sniper PULLS the trigger. A GUNSHOT, and blood splatters across the WALL.

Sniper (Yelling): CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

Miles: Ahhh fuck! My ear!

Sniper (Yelling): GOOD! You must be a fucking dipshit if you actually came to MY hideout to try an kill me. Don't you know I've never lost a fucking gunfight? There's a reason they call me the man who never misses y'know!

I'm trying not to encroach on your style too much, but some of the dialogue is downright cheesy. Figure out what you want to happen and make it happen. Think play, Write movie. Show me. Don't write it as if you're giving directions to a camera, those decisions are for a director to make. Put your vision on paper. You'll notice that I put a lot of words in bold; that implies that the camera will shift to focus on that item at that point in time. If you're really serious, go to the library and pick up a book on screenwriting.

If you were to get one book on screenwriting, get The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier. It's about $20, and it's very readable. A good investment if you're looking into screenwriting even as a hobby. (I'm gonna buy it right now!)

Also:

Both quickly turn around and fire their guns at each other. The bullets hit each other and fall to the ground. There is a pause as they both stare at the bullets on the ground.

Did I see a movie where this happened before?

[WrightOnTarget]

Also, what self-respecting assassin uses a damn revolver? You can't suppress 'em unless they're custom-built to accept suppressors, their capacities pale in comparison to even sub-compact automatics, they're usually bulkier than automatics, etc, etc.

Give him an automatic, fer chrissake!
You can put one round in the mag if you want to duel.

[madCow789]

Yeah, they dialogue is way too cheesy. Your making the dialogue fit to an outside viewer, as opposed to just letting the 2 guys talk and having the viewer be just that, a viewer. Also, For the amount of dialogue you have, this movie is going to get way too long. I've read through it and a lot of it is you trying way to hard for there to be a long, bad-ass dialogue between the two. What are you going to have on the screen while the guy sits behind the crate (which is most of your movie, by the way)? All that there is going to be is a shot/reverse shot, but is your dialogue really good enough to sustain that style for that long? It can be cool and bad-ass without being forced too much. Good luck

[WrightOnTarget]

Mind if I give a shot at re-writing it?

Fade in:

Int. Assassin HQ

MILES SANCHEZ, 25, heads into a seedy bar that serves as the HQ for an assassin organization. He keeps his hand close to his hip, noticing men LEERING at him menacingly.

Bartender

Keep it in your holster, buddy. These fellas mean no harm to ya.

Miles

Thanks, but I-

BARTENDER

Don't trust me? Good. You shouldn't. Shouldn't trust anyone in this business. Guy's waitin' for you at that table in the corner.

He POINTS him to the corner. A man in an expensive suit is waiting for him. Miles walks over and sits down.

Miles

I heard you had a stray dog you needed put down.

Suit

Please, don't be so formal. There aren't any cops or bugs in here. I need a man killed. Are you up to it?

Miles

My fee is 10,000 up front, and another 10,000 when I'm through.

Suit

A good price, considering your target.

The suit SLIDES a folder across the table.

Suit

Jonathan Cardenas. Also known as "The Glass Eye".

Miles

He get one shot out or something?

Suit

No, Mr. Sanchez. The name is meant to suggest that the scope is his eye. He's never missed. Never used more than three shots on a target, though he's armed with a Knight's Armament SR-25. 7.62 by 51 millimeter, suppressed, with a full-auto sear.

miles

How do you know that?

The suit GRINS.

Suit

Because that's what we armed him with. He's likely to have other weapons, but that is what he prefers. All the data you should need is in that folder. Good luck. Your deadline is three days from now.

The suit gets up and leaves.

Int. Warehouse

A chessboard sits on a table, the game ended in a checkmate. It's the only thing lit. A hand comes from the dark, and starts setting the game up again.

[CaptinChu]

Dang, protoAuthor. That's really, really good. Have you read the Screenwriter's Bible, perchance?

[WrightOnTarget]

At 7/18/10 03:25 AM, CaptinChu wrote: Dang, protoAuthor. That's really, really good. Have you read the Screenwriter's Bible, perchance?

No, I've read a few other ones, and taken a screenwriting class, though. Also, thank you.