Take A Look At My Script?

[Da-Master-of-Puppets]

OK So I'm doing a short web series with my friends that we're going to post on Youtube. It's called Sniper, but the full title isn't fully finished yet. The basic plot is their is a guy who goes by the name of Sniper and he's the world's top assassin, his main trait is the fact that he never ever misses a single shot. Whatever gun he uses, he always hits exactly what he's aiming for. Then there's a guy called Miles who also wants to be an assassin, and he's pretty fucking good too. Sniper and Miles then get jobs to kill each other, so it kinda becomes an assassin vs assassin thing. So I've written the script for the first scene and being my first script I don't know if it's all that great. So we'd appreciate it if you had a quick flick through and give us an opinion on it.

Establishing shot of outside Warehouse. Bird's-eye shot of Miles entering Warehouse from inside. Mid shot of Miles from behind, phone rings and he turns to face camera as he answers phone.

Sniper (On Phone): What are you doing here Miles?

Miles: You know why I'm here.

Sniper: Actually, as a matter of fact I don't, the only conclusion I can draw is that you've realized just... just how worthless you are and you've come to end this thing you call a life.

Miles: I still got some fight left in me.

Sniper: You wont for long.

Loud gunshot as Miles jumps to the side to hide behind a crate, blood splatters from Miles' ear. Camera remains facing where Miles was, it zooms in to show Sniper pointing a rifle at the camera.

Sniper (Yelling): You must be a fucking dipshit if you actually came to MY hideout to try an kill me. Don't you know I've never lost a fucking gunfight? There's a reason they call me the man who never misses y'know!

Miles: Ahhh fuck that hurts!

Sniper: Chuckles - Gotcha right in the ear didn't I? Exactly where I was aiming. Can you hear me Miles? Or are you too shit for brains to understand a word I'm saying!

Miles: I just came to talk to you! (Miles stays behind the cover as he yells to Sniper)

Sniper: I'm not that fucking stupid Miles, I know that if you wanted to talk you could have made one quick phone call. I know you have a revolver in your left pocket.

Miles pulls the revolver out of his left pocket and jumps up to shoot Sniper. Sniper immediately shoots the gun out of his hand.

Sniper (Laughing): Killing you is gonna be easier than I thought!

Miles: Why the fuck do you wanna kill me? What do you want!!

Sniper: There's a lot of things I want Miles. I want a million dollars. I want the worlds biggest cock. I want to live forever, and I WANT my Freedom... But you can't have everything you want, now can you Miles? You have to work for what you want, and here I am, working for what... I... want. And if you're gonna get in the way of what I want, then I WANT to kill you!
Miles: That makes sense I guess...

Sniper: Exactly. So why don't you poke your cute little head up so I can kiss it goodnight.

Miles: No thanks, I'm quite comfy here actually.

Sniper: I can wait all day darling.

Miles: So can I, sugar-tits.

10 Minutes Later...

Sniper: OK, this is going nowhere, what do you say we end this quickly?

Miles: What did you have in mind?

Sniper: No Rifles, no tricks, just a little one on one duel. One bullet, one gun, one shot, one death, one man walks away. Right here, right now.

Miles: Tempting... How do I know you won't shoot me in the back.

Sniper: C'mon you know me better then that Miles, I'm a man of my word, I could never lie to you.

Miles: I still don't know.

Sniper: OK, look, here's what I'll do. I'll take all the bullets out of my revolver, and I'll come down there and turn my back to you so there's no way I can shoot you.

Miles: I've heard some pretty big bullshit before but nothing as big as what passes your lips.

Sniper: Well here I come.

Sniper opens the chamber in his revolver as all the bullets drop to the floor. Sniper stands up and walks down to the bottom level slowly with his hands up.

Sniper: OK I'm ready, let's just end this quickly so I can go get a pizza.

Miles: (Takes a deep breath) Fine.

Miles stands up and slowly walks out from behind the crate to a few feet away from Sniper. They continue to stare at each other while Miles empties his gun chamber.

Sniper: Good boy. Now put one bullet in the chamber, and turn around with the gun at your side. Wild West style.

Sniper both turn their backs to each other and put one bullet in the chamber, then place the guns at their sides.

Sniper: Any last words Miles?

Miles: Only thing that comes to mind is... We all have it coming.

Sniper: I couldn't have put it better myself. (Long pause) Adios Mother Fucker.

Both quickly turn around and fire their guns at each other. The bullets hit each other and fall to the ground. There is a pause as they both stare at the bullets on the ground.

Sniper (Smiling): I told you, I never miss.

Sniper screams as he pulls a knife out of his back pocket and begins to run at Miles.

Transition to black screen. Title appears "Sniper - The man who never misses - To be concluded"

End.

Sorry about the wall of text but if anyone has the time, some feedback would be great. Also we're going for that thing where it's like the final scene first, then the next scene it rewinds back to the beggining as to how it came up to this scene.

[SymbolCymbal]

you will get more and better feedback in this forum

Writing forum

[Da-Master-of-Puppets]

Also we don't really like the Title "The man who never misses" so if you can think of a better one with the same meaning that would be helpful.

[Civilnotice]

You might be able to pull it off with proper acting, but I doubt a 15 year old and his friends are going to succeed in making this as badass as you see it in your head. Good luck to you all the same.

[Stereocrisis]

thumbs down. this is a piece of shit. there is no story. fail.

[Ass-Crumb]

this sounds entirely like something a 12 year old would come up with.

[Stereocrisis]

At 7/10/10 09:46 PM, Da-Master-of-Puppets wrote: Also we don't really like the Title "The man who never misses" so if you can think of a better one with the same meaning that would be helpful.

yea... I think it's pretty stupid to call him sniper all the way through, the man who never misses, and he misses the first shot in the script, only clipping the guys ear.

Then after 10 minutes of nothing going on on-screen, he invites Miles down for a wild west style gunfight (I thought he was a sniper...) so he can go get a pizza. That was dumb.

Then he does the whole bullets hitting each other in mid-air thing, which has been done already in a bunch of movies.

I'm sorry man, you just need practice. I'm not going to lie. That script sucks.

[WrightOnTarget]

It feels too much like you're trying to be "cool", rather than tell a story you have planned out in advance. I sometimes write organically as well, but you need to do research on your subject matter. Write what you know, and if you don't know, find out.
How much about your characters do you know? Where were they born, what are their objectives? What do they want? Characters drive the story, it's important to know who they are as people. Your script feels like it's sacrificing characters for style and what you think are witty lines.

[Da-Master-of-Puppets]

At 7/10/10 09:57 PM, Stereocrisis wrote:

At 7/10/10 09:46 PM, Da-Master-of-Puppets wrote: Also we don't really like the Title "The man who never misses" so if you can think of a better one with the same meaning that would be helpful.

yea... I think it's pretty stupid to call him sniper all the way through, the man who never misses, and he misses the first shot in the script, only clipping the guys ear.

Read it again genius, he says that he was aiming for his ear.

Then after 10 minutes of nothing going on on-screen, he invites Miles down for a wild west style gunfight (I thought he was a sniper...) so he can go get a pizza. That was dumb.

It's not 10 minutes of nothing, we're gonna just skip ahead 10 minutes, not actually have 10 minutes of screen time.

Then he does the whole bullets hitting each other in mid-air thing, which has been done already in a bunch of movies.

I'm sorry man, you just need practice. I'm not going to lie. That script sucks.

[Stereocrisis]

At 7/10/10 10:10 PM, Da-Master-of-Puppets wrote:

yea... I think it's pretty stupid to call him sniper all the way through, the man who never misses, and he misses the first shot in the script, only clipping the guys ear.

Read it again genius, he says that he was aiming for his ear.

I think you better go back and read it. It never says the sniper was aiming for Miles ear. It just says..."Loud gunshot as Miles jumps to the side to hide behind a crate, blood splatters from Miles' ear. Camera remains facing where Miles was, it zooms in to show Sniper pointing a rifle at the camera." So, piss off with your sarcasm, tool.

Then after 10 minutes of nothing going on on-screen, he invites Miles down for a wild west style gunfight (I thought he was a sniper...) so he can go get a pizza. That was dumb.

It's not 10 minutes of nothing, we're gonna just skip ahead 10 minutes, not actually have 10 minutes of screen time.

How about you just eliminate skipping ahead 10 minutes, and fill that time with a fucking storyline...

Then he does the whole bullets hitting each other in mid-air thing, which has been done already in a bunch of movies.

I'm sorry man, you just need practice. I'm not going to lie. That script sucks.