At 7/18/10 11:21 PM, Squishy69 wrote:
It'd probably help to write something wholly original, eh?
No trust me, this IS original.
But that's the problem, it's original. That means everything I've wanted the story to say and feel pushes way pass the word limit.
The doors finally open and the scene before Louis brings to his mind the term organized chaos. Green lights flash across a packed dance floor as loud techno music booms through the speakers. What seems like dancing is really a mass orgy of youth partying away the night. A bar is set up in a corner, selling cocktails that look a lot like Bloody Maries. A VIP suit lies to the right, but Louis notices two bouncers standing in front, dressed in black suits. Louis heads over first to the bar and orders up a stiff scotch. After downing it in two drinks, he heads over to the VIP lounge and is immediately stopped by the guards. "What do you want?" one of them asks.
"I have a business deal with Mr. Bram Lugosi."
"You're going to have to stand for a frisk Mr.....?"
"Cipher. Louis Cipher."
The guards pat Louis down and check his briefcase. Opening it reveals an ancient revolver with dusty rounds. Seeing nothing harmful, the guards let Louis in.
Velvet couches filed with beautiful women make up a good majority of the suite. A man lies in the center, seduced by the femme fatale. However, one very stiff looking woman sits off to the side, watching on. She gets up as Louis walks in and asks "Who are you?"
"I'm Mr. Cipher, and I have a proposition for Mr. Lugosi."
"Wait, Cipher? I've heard that name before. You're name wouldn't happen to be Louis, by any chance, would it?" Bram pushes the ladies off of him and gets up. "Girls, go outside and have a drink. Hilda, go with them and make sure none of them go anywhere." The girls and Hilda leave the room as Bram gestures Louis to sit. "I see you've made it down here Mr. Cipher. I'm highly impressed. This isn't the easiest place to get to but knowing where you're from, I'm not that surprised."
"Are we going to talk or are we going to do business?"
"Straight to business, ay Louis? Last time I talked with one of you guys, I got a deal. Immortality for a small fee. Not bad at all. What proposition do you have today?"
"This." Louis puts his suitcase on the couch and opens it. "Do you know what this is?"
"En! Is est mucro of malum! How did you get this?"
"Why don't you think we, of all people, have it? I'm sure you're aware of its history?"
"Who isn't? First released by Pandora, it was the stone Cain used to kill Abel! Then it was forged into the hilt of Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger's dagger when he stabbed Julius Caesar! It disappeared for a bit until it resurfaced in Napoleon's sword. Later, in the States, it was made into a gun that John Wilkes Booth used on Abe Lincoln, only to have it disappear and reappear as the new sidearm of none other than Adolf Hitler. After Hitler died it was supposed to be lost until apparently it was in Russia's care under Stalin, until it showed up as the gun used by the grassy knoll gunman of JFK. After that, no one really knows where it went."
"And you understand the significance of the numbered bullets?"
"Of course. The Sword of Evil can only commit 13 acts of wickedness, after that it is to disappear. The acts of evil give the wielder great power and always kills the intended target, but it also sucks the life force out of the owner who will always die painfully and as I understand it quite quickly. 7 shots have been used so far."
"Actually, eight shots."
"Eight? Who fired the eighth shot?"
"We can't tell you.......yet. It's still under wraps."
"So why are you here?"
"I want to sell this to you. For a small price, of course."
"And what might that price be?"
Louis takes the gun out of its case and checks its ancient clip. "We want you to close down your engineering research. Specifically the ones creating that interdimension seams."
"I can't do that. Even if I wanted to I don't have the authority to do it. We've come too far and invested too much into it. I'm afraid we can't make a deal Mr. Cipher."
"Really now? Then if you don't mind me doing this then?" Louis points the gun at the two bodyguards and shoots both of them. The loud music silences the gunshot and both men collapse, only to be swallowed and fed upon by the Suckers in the club.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO THAT? YOU JUST WASTED TWO ACTS OF-"
"Shut up." Louis points the gun at Bram and cocks back the trigger. "Now tell me, who oversees the engineering program?"
"It goes straight up to the higher family. I only know that. Don't kill me man, I'm just an under boss!"
"I know that. That's why I talked to you first. You stupid Sucker."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU SON OF A BIT-" Louis fires a shot straight into Bram's chest. Bram starts to bleed out profusely and stares at Louis. "Why did you waste an evil act on a simple vampire...?"
"It's simple. I didn't. These aren't the numbered bullets. Nor is this the Sword of Evil. I was just wondering how stupid you Suckers are. Besides, you've been long past overdue. You no longer need to live. We already taken your soul, now we're taking you." Louis begins to walk off, but turns around near the door. "These bullets contain trances of hawthorn from Siberia and blessed water from the Rhine River. Safe to say, you're fucked."
Bram collapses on the floor. His body rots until it is only dust as it is blown away from the wind. Louis wipes the gun with a handkerchief and puts in back into his briefcase. He exits from the lounge and makes his way across the dance floor toward a locked door marked MANTAINENCE ONLY. Louis quickly picks the lock and lets himself into the supply room, where a large water container reads EMERGENCY WATER SUPPLY. Louis opens up the bottom section of the suitcase, revealing a large cross which he dumps into the container. He exits the supply room and heads back to the bar where he orders up a shot of stiff vodka. Instead of drinking it, he makes his way back toward the elevator. As Louis waits for the elevator he lights another cigarette. Once the elevator arrives Louis throws his drink at a passing dancer. "WHAT THE HELL?" she screams at him.
"Exactly." Louis responds as he flicks his cigarette at the alcohol doused woman. As Louis walks into the elevator, the woman catches fire, causing the sprinkler system to go off. The patrons of the club are rained down upon by holy water, reducing all of them to screams of pain and eventually dust.
That section alone is 1/5 of the word limit, and I haven't even begun to show the main conflict. That's the problem with original content; you feel the need to put everything in.