Critique My Poem?

[TreadVigorously]

Background Information: This is the first poem I've actually cared much about. I'm currently getting into poetry and I'm eager to improve my writing. So please, constructive criticism. It's alright if you want to tell me it's awful, just tell me why. I'm not exactly an expert on the techniques many poets put into use, either. However, before this becomes some sort of journal entry:

Boredom

Once a dreary morrow,
in a weary fortress

amongst gray hills and vistas bleak,

within dull chambers a knight did sleep.
And on the walls throughout the keep,
hung sterile paintings,

gray and bleak.

Within the realm that the knight did dream,
things were just as they always did seem;

gray and bleak.

Riding a horse of gray in this land of naught,
the knight found what he had sought.
Freedom and sword tight in hand,
he fought
a beast
called boredom.

[TreadVigorously]

Thank you. I definitely agree with what you said there, as I saw similar problems with it myself. I just prefer peer review over self-correction, as I once I begin to make changes I often get carried away haha.

[CapnCrunchDaPimp]

I'm no poet either, but I thought that was perfect. It was metaphoric, had a good humorous ending, the rhymes and structure was all in order, and I really liked the setting at the beginning. It set the mood for something you weren't prepared for. I found nothing wrong with it. I'm not great at criticism, but I just wanted to tell you I enjoyed reading it.

[Luwano]

At 7/1/10 02:02 PM, agustana wrote:

At 7/1/10 12:15 AM, TreadVigorously wrote: Within the realm that the knight did dream,
things were just as they always did seem;

The repetition of the word 'did' here seems a bit redundant.

Actually, I think it sounds great. The double rhyme is a effective stylistic device in poems. I understand what agustana means, but I guess in this case it's no problem.

he fought
a beast
called boredom.

The ending is too abrupt. Hell, you could change the title and the ending and your poem would be about a knight instead of something as simple as boredom.

In my opinion, this was a very good first poem and I encourage you to write more.

Agreed, I mean ok, it's an interesting or funny ending, but it could be so much more. One could say, your poem is better than its ending. I guess you were bored when you started to write the poem so it was the first thing that came into your mind, wasn't it? But your poem shows your ability to do even better.

I have one idea about this line:

:the knight found what he had sought

How about another word repetition? "the knight had found what he had sought"
Just read it aloud and think about it, I feel that it suits the poems measure/rythm better. Just thinking....

Overall, I must say I really like your poem. The rythm is good, the words are well chosen and you have nice interesting rhymes. And it doesn't feel like you are rhyming, just to have rhymes in your poems, but with reason. You should definitely write more. ;)

[Deathcon7]

At 7/1/10 12:15 AM, TreadVigorously wrote: Background Information: This is the first poem I've actually cared much about. I'm currently getting into poetry and I'm eager to improve my writing. So please, constructive criticism. It's alright if you want to tell me it's awful, just tell me why. I'm not exactly an expert on the techniques many poets put into use, either. However, before this becomes some sort of journal entry:

Research prosody.

Boredom

Once a dreary morrow,
in a weary fortress

Great couplet. The meter is really good, and the syllables go great together. The assonance in "morrow" and "fortress" on the same syllable is also a really great match. So bravo on the strong start.

amongst gray hills and vistas bleak,

within dull chambers a knight did sleep.
And on the walls throughout the keep,
hung sterile paintings,

The first stanza could have been worded better. "amongst hills gray and vistas bleak" so that it can bridge to the chorus "gray and bleak" and also remain consistent with subject-adjective, rather than adjective-subject, subject-adjective.

The following stanza doesn't add much. The first line is fine and vital to the assonance with the previous stanza, but the last two lines make no sense. It breaks the flow; like a camera zooming in onto a flower, and suddenly panning to a squirrel and a nut, only to pan back onto the flower. It's a non-sequitar.

gray and bleak.

Within the realm that the knight did dream,
things were just as they always did seem;

Stanza 1: Chorus. Fine.

Stanza 2: Not so fine. The first line of the couplet is worded awkwardly. Something like, "Within the King's realm, the Knight did dream,/things were just as they always did seem;" This way the slant-rhyme is maintained, the meter is consistent, and the first line is a lot more clear.

gray and bleak.

Again; chorus. Fine.

Riding a horse of gray in this land of naught,
the knight found what he had sought.
Freedom and sword tight in hand,
he fought
a beast
called boredom.

Weak ending. When compared to the beginning, this is a big let down. There is no consistency, and the straight-rhyme is so forced, it's distracting. The enjambment of the last line is great; the form follows function in this case, something for which I support strongly. Fix the first three lines of this stanza, and it'll work a lot better. Sorry I can't really say much more about it.

As a whole, the poem is good. It has lots of potential for improvement which, once affected, will turn it into a real gem. Good luck.

[cybermunkey13]

I think it's beautiful :D

good job!

[TreadVigorously]

Thank you all for your help. I'm taking these things into consideration. I must say, I like your idea on the word repetition Luwano. Reading it that way, it actually did seem to flow better.

Deathcon7, thank you for giving me something to look into.
You were very helpful, and I'm sure I'll be coming back to your post again and again when doign revisions.

I appreciate the kind words that are being thrown around as well, haha.