Zombie Apocalypse script. Scene 1.

[DontExplain]

Hey Newgrounds!
I'm currently writing a script for a youtube production I wish to make. Being only 15 though, I'm unsure if it's a 'quality script'. Considering that newgrounds has a hell of a lot of brilliant writers (and most of my friends aren't exactly good with constructive criticism) I was hoping you guys might be able to lead me on my way to improving this.

So, scene one (of 10): http://freetexthost.com/djkvjvy6jt

[Deathcon7]

For a Youtube video, it's definitely something I'd watch. Scene 1 though, needed a cliffhanger. It ended on a very low note so it was disappointing. I think right now is a really good time for zombie/vampire stories, so you've got a leg up already. Just work on introducing more conflict than just characters fighting about food.

One good idea could be someone broadcasting a video locally, maybe sending a message. Arguing over going to that person or not would be a really good primary conflict for this first scene. it would also enforce the hopeful character, because these types of stories always needs one of those, otherwise it becames stagnant and overly depressing.

Other than that, another thing you have to consider is, especially if you want to make it a video, the settings. If you can't reproduce them, you can't make the script. Either way, good luck.

[RNNR]

At 6/8/10 11:17 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: Just work on introducing more conflict than just characters fighting about food.

About that, having just been introduced to the characters, it's hard to relate to the need for cannibalism. It's been said they've been stuck there in the house for three days, but to really get that kind of desperation across you need to show it.

Random tangent:

Have the characters have a fistfight about food and the possibility of eating each other, until they see an animal. They kill the animal and have enough food for another few days. A cat or dog would be most gruesome and therefore more effective.

There's some dodgy, unnatural dialogue in there, lines like:

"What?! I am NOT approaching that window! They could be watching it, waiting for us."

"But there COULD be something... What if they released some new information? We can't afford to miss it!"

"You're wasting your time, you could be fixing the barricade or doing something useful like making weapons instead of sitting there hoping something MAY happen. For all we know, anybody who knows to use the TV studios are dead".

(Wait, so the barricade is broken? I'd say our heroes need to prioritize.)

A good trick to see if dialogue works is to say it out loud. Act the conversation out as the actors later on will.

That's all I got at the moment.

I wish you good luck with your film making venture :)

[fli]

If you need a good script writing software (that's free)--
Celtix helps you format things a little better. (Just google it... easy to find.)

Final Draft is a whole lot better, but it's a little expensive.

Either one are must have tools for script writing for either stage or screen.