story

[StephonsWierdWorld]

Sorry if its long
There once was a street kid named Jake
He lived in a poor village where the king was very cruel.
Jake was looking for something to eat when he stumbled upon a man selling apples,Jake immediatly saw a golden apple
He asked the man selling the apples
"How much for the golden one"
"100 euros"
"Okay well....."
THEN Jake snatched the golden apple jumped on top of towers and kept jumping off one after another till he was far away.
When Jake was finished he took out the apple from his pouch and inspected it very oddly.
He wondered what the apple did.
So he took a little nibble of it.
That's when it happend
A glowing chain appeared and just crawled into his arms.
He was confused
He said "What is this"
The chain started talking to him
"I am a servant of the gods, who ever takesa bite of that apple gets me,i can shapeshift into different items"
Jake said,
"Really anything?
"Yes anything"
Jake thought about he could kill the king and become the new king of the kingdom.
So he told the chain,
"Turn into a horse"
The chain did was it was commanded to do
It was a silver stallion probably the best in the whole world
He rode the horse all the way to the kingdom
He asked the chain for a cloak of invisibility
The chain did what it was told
Jake sneaked into the kings study room and told the chain to turn into a wristband with spikes on it
The chain did and Jake wore the wristband
That's when the king entered the room.
He said,"Who are you"
"I am going to be the reason that your dead"
Jake ran toward the king and tried to push him with the spiked wristband
The king took out a sword and blocked the attack
So Jake took off the spiked wristband and told it to transform into a pitchfork which it did
Jake threw the pitchfork at the king's sword
Resulting in the kings sword being stuck against the wall
Jakr ran towards the king
AND *BAM BAM*
KICK,SPIN KICK,DDT,PUNCH,2 PUNCHES TO TE STOMACH,KICK TO THE FLOOR!
The king got up and Jake got up and they ran towards each other
They put their fists in the direction of each other
And that's when it happend....
To be continued....

[OddlyPoetic]

You are trolling.....right?

RIGHT?

[tailsrules1278]

I loved this story! I hope it is continued! Though, I think your title should be a little more promising if you want more people coming to see this story. I liked the somewhat cruel plot and the cliff-hanger ending. Write more! :D

[TheSubject666]

At 5/31/10 12:21 PM, OddlyPoetic wrote: You are trolling.....right?

RIGHT?

they're both either trolling or just really, really young

[sinfulwolf]

a) It's not long. In fact its really short and could have been long.
b) It's not good.
You mention how the king is cruel but give no reasoning for why, or even how he is cruel. At the same time you mention how this village is in the king's domain, so his kingdom. Later on you then talk about how the protagonist is riding towards the kingdom. Was he not in that place to begin with? Was it a typo and you meant to put in castle.

Your time period is not just hazy. Sure gods and magic can exist in a modern set world, it generally falls under the classification of Urban Fantasy. However, you have swords, villages, kings and horses... and Euros. That's a big clash. Something like gold pieces or florins would have fit in much better for the story as you seem to be attempting to put it in the middle ages.

A servant of the gods that can change into anything? For only 100 Euros? Sure you sidestepped that little bit by having the character steal it but some on it should be more expensive. Especially since it seems the merchant has some idea what it is that he has else he wouldn't charge so damn much for an apple. Also, having the character steal the apple didn't exactly set him up to be heroic at all, despite him suddenly deciding to save the kingdom. If it had been a normal looking apple and he was stealing to feed himself I'd have been a little more enthused, but he comes across as a petty thief: "Hey look, very expensive thing. Let's just steal it,". Of course, you may be setting this Jack guy up to become another Tyrant.

More on the servant of the gods... it can change into anything? Sure it can be possible in your world and you don't even need to explain it, but that comes across as rather dull. He can simply have this thing turn into whatever he needs to deal with whatever situation comes up. Boring, very little conflict.

The fight sequence was completely out of whack. I wrote like that when I was seven. Detail the fight, don't put the actions in capital letters and expect it to come across well. Who is punching who? What's the impact like? I have no visuals on the fight at all. It's very poorly done.

Those are just some of the basic things I came up with off the top of my head that you need to change in order for this to come across as something decent.

[funnyhomeboy]

Basically what SinfulWolf said, and I do have to admit the story did have some potential, but yet it wasn't really explained to the reader. To me, this seemed more of some ramblings that a 10 year old scrawled onto a piece of scratch paper.

Sorry, but if I actually knew the whole circumstances that surrounded these turns of events, then I think this would serve as a decent story. It's just way too broad to be even considered to be good.

Try again.

[wcatdoor]

This must be the best story i have ever heard. Send me a signed copy plox.

[sinfulwolf]

I just got four seperate PMs from this guy, each one an excuse for the issues I pointed out (Save the Euro thing, or the mary sue thing).

Please, if I give some criticism for your work there is no need to spam my inbox with really bad excuses claiming all will be explained in part 2, when part 1 had nothing of substance.

Also note, it's fine to leave certain things unexplained to develop them later in the story, but some things that seem outright confusing (like the Euro thing) should be addressed when they arise. I don't expect to hear the entire history on a single character when he's introduced, or to read on all the secrets of the Servant of the Gods, however I do expect a better reasoning behind an overly priced apple especially when the merchant doesn't know what it is (As I was told in PMs). There must be some horrible economy in this kingdom if a single apple costs 100 Euros.

[StephonsWierdWorld]

Well the only reason i pm people instead of replying on the post is that people just post and leave so i pm them instead