How Das Führer Stole Hannukah.

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Renonymous

Renonymous

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How Das Führer Stole Hannukah. 2010-05-28 16:35:10 Reply

How Das Führer Stole Hannukah.

Every Jew down in Jewville liked Hanukkah a lot,

But Das Führer... Who lived just South of Jewville, did not.

He hated Hanukkah, the whole Jewish season; oh don't ask me why no one quite knows the reason.

It could have been that his armband was too tight. It could have been that his hair
wasn't styled just right. But I believe that the most likely reason of all was that
His moustache was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason for his Hanukkah blues, he sat on his balcony hating the Jews...
Staring down from his chair with a sour fascist frown at the warm lighted windows below in
their town.

For he knew every Jew down in Jewville was lighting the Menorah, and too busy dancing their Horah.

"And they're eating their Latkahs" he snarled with a sneer. Tomorrow is Hanukkah, it's practically here!

Then Das Führer growled, with his ferocious fingers furiously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to stop Hanukkah from coming! For, tomorrow, I know..."

...All the Jew girls and boys would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their chocolate coins!
Then! Oh, the coins! Oh, the coins! Coins! Coins! Coins!
If there's one thing I hate all the COINS! COINS! COINS! COINS!

Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Jew-pudding, and kosher Jew-roast-beast
Agh, Jew-roast-beast is a feast I can't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something I hate most of all!
Every Jew down in Jewville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Hanukkah bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And Barbara Streisand will start singing!

"And she'll sing! And she'll sing!
AND she'll SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Das Führer thought of the Jew's happy fling,
The more Das Führer thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-six years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Hanukkah from coming!
...But HOW?"

Das Führer leaned over and looked through the town,
to find inspiration to bring the Jews down.
Then he looked in a bakery and what did he see?
An oven set to the 300th degree!

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
DAS FURHER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Das Führer laughed rubbing his hands
"I'll burn them all up and reduce them to sands!"
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Nazi trick!
"With my ovens and gas, I'll make this work quick!"

"All I need are some followers..."
Das Führer looked around.
But anti-Semites were scarce; there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Führer...?
No! Das Führer simply said,
"If I can't join a party, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Blondi. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big swastika on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some napalm
And some rifles and gas
On a ramshackle tank
And prepared to kick ass.

Then Das Führer said, "Sieg Heil!"
And the tank started down
toward Jewville where Das Fuhrer
would level their town.

All their windows were dark. Freezing snow filled the air.
All the Jews were dreaming of bagels without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Nazi hissed
And he climbed to the roof, body bags in his fist.

Then he started a furnace. Noxious smoke began to rise
"The Jews" said Das Führer "Are in for a surprise!"
But the furnace stopped once, for a moment or two.
But then it got going, all set for the Jews.
Then he saw the Jews laundry, all hung in a row.
"Their clothes," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most vile,
Around the whole room, and he took every child!
Elie! And Joshua! And sweet little Moira!
Jeremy and Jacob, all into the fire!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Das Führer, with sternness
Stuffed all the bodies, one by one, up the furnace!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jews' feast!
He took the Jew-pudding! He took the kosher beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that bastard even took their last can of Jew-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food in the furnace's aura
"And NOW!" grinned Das Führer, "I will stuff the menorah!"

And Das Führer grabbed the candles, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and saw a girl with black hair,
It was little Anne Frank, from her attic upstairs.

Das Führer had been caught by the teenage Jew daughter
Who'd sat in her attic to hide from the slaughter.
She stared at Das Führer and said, "Mein Führer, why,
"Why are you killing our people? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Führer was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little Schmot," the fake politician lied,
"There are people up there with blonde hair and blue eyes
"So I'm making more room in this country, my dear.
"I'll make some more space, and they'll have more room here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he shaved her head
And got her tap water and left her for dead.
And when Annelies Frank went to bed with her cup,
HE crept to the furnace and stuffed the jews up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for his fire.
Then he went out the door himself, the conspirer.
In their home he left nothing but Jew ash, and wire.

And the one speck of Jew ash
That he left in the house
Was a speck that was even too small for a Jew mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Jews' houses

Leaving ashes
Much too small
For the other Jews' mouse's!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Jews, put in urns
And the rest, mending burns
When he packed up his tank,
Packed it up with their presents! Their dredels! Their Menorahs!
The books! The Yamukahs! The latkahs! And The Torahs!

Three thousand feet down in the Führerbunker,
He went to the bottom for shelter!
"Pooh-pooh to the Jews!" he was facist-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Hanukkah is coming!
"The rest are waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"and the Jews down in Jew-ville will all cry 'DAMN YOOOU!"

"That's a noise," grinned Das Führer
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Das Führer put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound underneath the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!

He stared up at Jewville!
Das Fuhrer popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Jew down in Jewville, the frail and the small,
Was being escorted by the Russian Army, standing tall!
He HADN'T thought of the Red Army coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Das Führer, struggling and starving to know,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
They came without warning! They came without fail!
"They came without messages from radio or mail!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Das Führer thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe defeat," he thought, "doesn't always mean disgrace,
"Maybe defeat...perhaps...can be solved in this place...!"

And what happened then? Well, in Jewville, they say,
that Das Führer took a pill, that ended his day.
And just to make sure that he would stay dead,
He put a pistol round straight through his head.

Then Das Führer didn't feel quite so right, and he
whizzed down to hell through some bright burning light
he was forced on a table! he was food for a feast!
and he, he himself, Hitler, was a kosher roast beast.

Written By: Ren & Klux

www.bgcomix.tk
-R.