Girly's Writing Place

[Girly789]

I have been writing for years now, ever since I was little. I discovered my talents reading few some of my old works. Really I never got in to reading a lot, but I excel at writing. I've read a couple of pages of the Harry Potter books, Dumbledoor dies, we've all seen it. But I find myself not taking it from other authoresses/authors. I can gaze out the window when I'm meant to be reading, but writing I'll have the words right there in my head.

So, in my next post I will place the story for the start. It's only chapter 1 done for now.

[Girly789]

"Is it...love?"
All of the following content is copyright of Girly789©2010, please do not use it without permission.
NOTE::Written from Kyo's POV. (POV=Point of view)

Chapter 1: Discovering new bonds

I felt her hands against my cheeks. They were so, so warm... Her lips lowered, me hanged in her arms. And suddenly, she laughed. "What makes you so sad, Kyo-kun?" I felt her breath against my neck, as she brang herself to kiss me. My face was red, my eyes wide, yet emotions spun inside me, so slowly yet... I just thought I could... And then I thought, No, she doesn't want me...I know she prefers my older brother... But her lips against mine felt so soft and gentle. She then broke the kiss, but still, our lips were close. "Tell me." She whispered, glaring down at me. I then snapped out of it.

"Eh? Tsunade-senpai!? I..I..." My sentences got scrambled, her voice echoing in my head.

"Tell me..." My eyes widened as I looked up at her, trying to avoid this. "...That you love me."

There was no way I could say that, so I released myself from her arms. "Tsunade-senpai! Don't get real life mixed up with a dream! I don't love you okay end of story!"

My wrist was gripped, so I turned round. "Tell me..." Her eyes were covered by dark apricot hair "...That you love me...because I..." I would release myself, if I had the strength."Because I...because...I... I am in love with you..." She kept my wrist gripped tightly. "And so...so I..."

There was no way I could stay and let this stand. So I escaped her grip and sighed. "Hey, let go, Tsunade-senpai, I...I'll go buy some buscuits! Bye!"

----------------------------------------
-------------------------

I stamped out the door angry at myself, taking myself to the door. Agh! Why do I need to get swept away so easily?! It's so aggravating! I shuffled my feet forward, entering the doorway to the shop. I need to get over her! It's not like I'm actually in lovewith her?! I calmly picked up a packet of rice buscuits. Taking them to the till, I put them down.

On my way home, I picked apples, deciding to go into a park and collect fruit. I should just give up anyway... She prefers my older brother! And then, I ran, all the way back to my house.

----------------------------------------
--------------------------

"Tsunade-senpai, I'm home." I sighed, hanging up my coat.

----------------------------------------
--------------------------

Five weeks later, I had started calling her 'Tsu-senpai'. It kind of annoyed me. What kind of a nickname is Tsu-senpai anyway?

And then she walked to me. "Are you okay, Kyo-Kyo-kun?" I wasn't in the mood for silly tricks.

"My name is Urimasha Kyo." I turned and sat down, ignoring the joyfulness she had put into her speech. I clicked the on button to the TV.

"Kyo-Kyo-kun, what's wrong?"

"Wipe that grin off your face," I reached for a book. "It doesn't concern you."

"But Kyo-Kyo-kun--" I stopped her.

"My name is Urimasha Kyo." So I opened the book, not reading the author's name. I knew she preferred my big brother anyway. Yet I hadn't gotten over her.

"Kyo-kun, why so down lately?" She reached for my hand slowly.

I slapped her hand, closed the book, stood up and screamt, "Don't touch me! Do you actually think I like being used as a substitute for my precious older brother?!"

Her eyes grew wide, and she grabbed me by the shoulder before I could sit back down. "Substitute? What do you mean, substitute?!" Her voice was quite a loud shout at this time.

"You can't hide it," I snorted, angry. "You just prefer him to me, Tsu-senpai!"

Then, she let go of my shoulder, turned me around and kissed my lips. She lifted, "You honestly don't think you are nothing but a mere substitute?!" Before I could reply, her lips landed upon mine again, and she held me back, to gently drop me onto the sofa. "I love you...so...I stay close to you and worry every second...and right here, right now...I am hearing this nonsense of you being a substitute..."

"Wait...Tsu-senpai..um...You can cry, if you...if you want to..."

"Idiot." She said, leaning over my shoulder. "I have never cried. Not when I was born, not even in front of my family...as if I would let anybody but you see me...like this..."

I felt a droplet, and I too began to weep. Her voice was like a sad song, it makes others cry, and yet... I reached up, placing my hand in hers, knowing, that she meant what she said.

I was guessing this would be a new romance, between us. I was silly to think she would say...that she loved me, if she loved my brother. "B-but...why?"

"I love you..." She only said it once, in a whisper quiet voice, but the words echoed as loud as screams in my head. While her hands were against my back, my face turned pink, and I began to sweat. My heart pounded like a drum, as fast as a cheetah. I asked myself one question; Is it...love?

Why did my heart race at her touch? Feelings I'd never thought of before running through my head, turning, burning so greatly into my mind. "T-Tsu-senpai...k-kiss me..."

She looked up at me and placed her lips against mine, softly, such a silk-like kiss. It made me close my eyes, and my face remained pink. Her fingers then binded with mine.

Before I could speak, she grabbed my hand and made me stand up. "It's ten at night," she pointed to the clock, standing perfectly still. "You should be in bed."

My cheeks turned from pink to red, and I now felt irritated. "HEY! Tsu-senpai! I'm not a little kid!" I couldn't believe I actually spoke so loud. So I sighed, "S-sorry..."

She grabbed my wrist and looked down at me, "You should be in bed." She picked me up and over her shoulder, and I was just still there, shocked how strong she was. She entered my bedroom and laid me under the blankets. "Go to sleep." She walked out of the room.

I tiptoed slowly over to my desk, and got out my diary. I picked up my pen and began to write in it.

Dear diary,
What's so special I feel about Tsu-senpai? I try to deny it, but...sometimes I feel like I am actually in love with her? Maybe... And I keep asking myself one question, and I just can't get over it. Whenever she touches me, my heart pounds like a drum. I don't know why....but...what is it?

----------------------------------------
-

When it became six in the morning, I was already making breakfast. My cooking wasn't much, but at least it was better than spicy Mexican stuff. I was about to pour the beans on to the plates, but then Tsu-senpai snook up on me from behind, grabbing my hands.

"Good morning, Kyo-Kyo-kun." I could tell there was a smirk on her face. There always was on mornings. She then grabbed the spoon I was pouring the beans with, and you would not believe what she did next. She put the spoon to my mouth, and poured beans into it. And I swallowed. "Are they good?" She asked, turning me round so I could see that big grin of hers.

"Yes." I turned back to the making breakfast part of that day.
----------------------------------------
-------

When I was done making it, we started eating. And while I was chewing a piece of bacon, she took a bite of it, while it was in my mouth. And my eyes went wide. "Tsu-senpai!" I said, irritated at the fact she ate my bacon, while it was in my mouth.

"Yes?"

I went back to eating breakfast. What was so special about Tsu-senpai? What made me so...close, around her? The question remained; 'Is it...love?'

[Girly789]

That last story I posted has been around since I was about eleven. Now at nine teen I realize I'm a whole lot better now than I was then. I tend to contradict what I say sometimes, and I'll be honest with you.

I'm not all that good of a writer, I think, reading through this I can even see flaws on my own. It isn't all that detailed, I'll give you that info, and it wasn't 100% effort either.

I don't think I'm bad. I just don't think I'm...good, to tell you the truth. I have many more fics, but for now I'll let NG judge my current posted story.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

Hm. I feel like the story moves too quickly and that it would have been better executed had the romance been intertwined with another plot line. That way, there would be more of a sense of anticipation to find out what's going to happen with the relationship. As it stands now, it's a bit predictable. Also, I recommend that while this all his happening, you go into more detail about the relationship between Kyo's brother and Tsu. It seems like you put a lot of emphasis on that as an important aspect of Kyo's concerns in the narration, but you never describe any of it.

Something that caught me as odd was how Kyo kept referring to Tsu as senpai. Isn't senpai an address of respect instead of something to be used for someone who's close enough to you that you think you might be in love with her? Unless I'm wrong, which I very well may be, and if so then ignore this paragraph.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of character development and the characters don't seem to have personalities that are all that unique; they seem like stock characters, to be honest. Maybe if you spread out the events more you'd have more room to add that in.

You seem to be using line breaks as transitions. I advice against using this too much and instead using transitional phrases such as "later that day..." or "after [amount of time] had passed..." etc. Save your line breaks for when there's a drastic change in setting/scene to the extent that there isn't a good way for you to transition or when you're changing perspective from one character to another.

The last thing I'll note is that you have a lot of ellipses and stuttering in your dialog. Ellipses are something that you want to avoid if you can. Creating the impression of a pause in speech with a break in the dialog is generally more appealing. And, although people say a lot of "I... uh... well... um..."'s in real life, it's not recommended that you put a lot of it in your dialog.

[Girly789]

Thank you, InsertFunnyUsername. I like the characters to develop over chapters in my stories, you see.

The stuttering was to emphasize situations. As for what's between Tsu and Kyo's older brother (Yuu), I would write it as a flash back in a later chapter.

So, like I said, I'm not that good with writing. My characters don't change until a few chapters later, and I have a bit of humor in there. (Kyo's constant complaints, and what his expressions would look like in a 2D film.)

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 5/28/10 04:59 PM, Girly789 wrote: Thank you, InsertFunnyUsername. I like the characters to develop over chapters in my stories, you see.

The stuttering was to emphasize situations. As for what's between Tsu and Kyo's older brother (Yuu), I would write it as a flash back in a later chapter.

Oh, okay. I didn't realize this was only the first chapter. That's what I get for barely skimming the first post, haha.

[Girly789]

At 5/28/10 07:32 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Oh, okay. I didn't realize this was only the first chapter. That's what I get for barely skimming the first post, haha.

Yes, and plus I had the title, chapter number, chapter title, and copyright info at the top of the story.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 5/29/10 04:01 AM, Girly789 wrote: Yes, and plus I had the title, chapter number, chapter title, and copyright info at the top of the story.

Yeah, I feel silly.