Gravity.

[DM692]

Gravity
It pulls me, not to the earth,
But instead, into your arms.
Your embrace, my refuge, I feel
Warmth.

Alone,
Until you came into my life.
These changes would be hell, or so I thought.
You changed it all for me, now I have
Purpose.

Existence;
I never thought it to have meaning,
With so many questions left unanswered.
I hope I never have to leave your
Gravity.

<3 you, Kassandra.

[Dubbi]

At 5/23/10 06:50 PM, Tribalbeat wrote: I don't care too much for non-rhyming poems (unless it is an epic), but I am sure someone out there is masturbating to your poem.

That's a compliment.

I'm the same -- I like my poems with rhymes; original rhyme schemes that is. Though I still can love unrhymed poems -- they just have to be phenomenal.

[vryheid]

I certainly hope you don't take those last two comments seriously, rhyming is so incredibly irrelevant in meaningful poetry that a good deal of literary critics refuse to even consider modern rhyming poetry worthy of publication (unless of course it is unusually well written, which is rare). 90% of the time, rhyming in amateur poetry just makes it sound juvenile. Really, don't bother.

My advice- try to make it less general and give us more sensory details. The basic message we're getting here is "My life revolves around you girl, everything was meaningless without you." Tell us one specific problem she gave the answer to, or one heartache that she was able to remedy- this will mean a whole lot more to an audience who is trying to identify with you. Right now it just feels like the standard cut-and-dry love poem, which is fine if that is the intention, but you can hardly expect anyone else to be emotionally connected to it.

[DM692]

At 5/23/10 10:45 PM, vryheid wrote: My advice- try to make it less general and give us more sensory details. The basic message we're getting here is "My life revolves around you girl, everything was meaningless without you." Tell us one specific problem she gave the answer to, or one heartache that she was able to remedy- this will mean a whole lot more to an audience who is trying to identify with you. Right now it just feels like the standard cut-and-dry love poem, which is fine if that is the intention, but you can hardly expect anyone else to be emotionally connected to it.

Now that you point it out, that's definitely a bit of an issue with this poem. It just seems like it's not really meaning a lot, and that it's just kind of a generic kind of, "Love ya, girl" kind of thing going on. Thanks for your input!

[ArmouredGRIFFON]

Thats pretty and cute and fluffy :) I love it.

Note that analysis doesn't need to be largely analytical.

[DM692]

At 5/24/10 04:01 PM, ArmouredGRIFFON wrote: Thats pretty and cute and fluffy :) I love it.

Note that analysis doesn't need to be largely analytical.

I was going for a bit of a lighthearted thing, so I guess this ended up okay.