A Short Story - Tachycardia

[Laos101]

Thump. It went, a quivering movement that shook the entire body. It took its entirety of energy to move, and create the thumb. It was a medical marvel to thumb - to shake and quiver the soul. With that thump came a feeling of life, and the feeling of an untimely death. The faster it would thump, the quicker the sensation would tingle, and reverberate upon my skin - and my heart would begin to race.

It would race, and speed, and run, and scream. It would stare me down, into the blackness of my soul, and call for help. It would be afraid, wondering what was going outside, beyond what it could see within my cage. It would shake there in the cage, and it would scream, scream for nightmare to stop.

I held the weapon, clenched it tightly and close to my chest. I was alarmed, now expecting at any moment an attack. The blade was once tool, a tool that which I've converted to a weapon so quickly, merely by raising it close to me. I'm wielding it like a knight would wield his blade, holding onto it with his life and his soul. I felt the same, encroached upon and afraid.

He came closer to me. His fists were clenched and raised up. He saw my kitchen knife and thought nothing of it, he didn't think I'd have the courage to bite back. He was drinking again, a thin mist of it lurking in his breath, stenching his clothes and drowning his thoughts. I wasn't his wife anymore, i was his target, a catharsis for his soul to wreak upon, but i'd have it no longer.

He made another step forward, all of his weight put into it. He had a stagger in his movements, almost incapable of keeping his balance. I didn't any less of him, he being drunk as a skunk and nearly unable to keep his own control. He was brash, and out of control. I would no longer let me keep bruising and beating me into submission, I wouldn't take it any longer!

The rage had grown now; and aura surrounding me and filling me within all crevices. the thumping now was faster then i ever recall, and it continued to shake my body. He saw hold the knife shakily, and aaw it as a weakness, and with it, he took his next step forward, blindly searching for a weapon of his own.

A free hand now bent itself inhumanly into the drawer, scavenging for a tool. It propped out soon afterward, shaking much like my own, a cleaver was slowly arriving out. It drew, like a snake uncoiling from its hiding place, ready to bite my hand and poison me. This was the worst it has ever been. And my blind rage had set in.

I lunged forward, blindly diving in as the knight, praying that both God and my armor would hold true. They must have, as i felt no injury, and instead a blood curdling scream. The lion had been struck, bitten by the venomous snake. I stepped back and opened my eyes - then my heart stopped.

In a flash it ceased, no longer beat. No thumped, and no longer weeped. I felt blind rage no longer, only remorse. I felt a heavy weight upon my soul, viewing the knife deep within his throat.

He turned, looked at me. My husband returned to its body. He began to tear up, unable to speak, and looked silently at me, lurched over on the counter.

And then the blood began to spurt.

[Laos101]

not a thought from anyone?

[InsertFunnyUserName]

I love how descriptive you are without falling into the trap of overwhelming the reading with too much vocabulary and too many metaphors. You showed instead of told without leaving the reader baffled and unable to comprehend what's actually happening. On that note, I like the way that you'll introduce a detail with a vague and unique description so that the reader is left guessing and then you start narrowing it down until it's perfectly clear and understandable. In the light of the fact that you don't have an introduction to build up tension and involvement, this is something that's crucial to keeping the necessary engagement level, and you've done it effectively.

Your descriptions also have a nice way of using words that's appropriately specific to the mood, the characters' personalities and the actions. I think that's it's a good thing that you didn't rely on excessive flowery vocabulary to express your details because if you had, I feel as though you would have, like I said, created a narration that was too overwhelming.

You did a nice job getting across the premise of the story without having to have a preliminary explanation of it all. You slipped in the right details so that it all became clear by the end of the story.

My one criticism is that I feel like the emphasis that you put on the fast heart rate is, if I am to be completely honest, a bit of a shallow theme. It doesn't really reveal anything all that unique about the situation, the premise or the characters but instead, it's focusing on something that's pretty intuitive in terms of the way she would be reacting to such an event. In other words, if you want to center your story around a particular idea, personally, I think that it should be something that has symbolism to it instead of just a rush of adrenaline.

But, overall, I liked it. Even though it was flash fiction, it kept the tension and was paced just right.