Jokes That People Stare At

[MadnessITellYou]

I'm a stand-up comic, and I write LOTS of jokes. Most of these jokes will never work. Some are too stupid, too gross, too weird, or they just don't fit my overall set. I've realized that I hate the thought of these jokes going to waste, so I'm thinking about writing a bathroom book filled with all of the jokes that I don't use on stage and calling it 'Jokes That People Stare At'. I was just hoping to get some opinions on some of these. If they are too stupid, too gross, too out there, or if you particularly like one or two, please let me know.

1. Do Smurfs get brown streaks in their underwear too, or is it some crazy color like purple?

2. Sometimes I sleep tightrope walk.

3. If you take a leap of faith, it may take an act of God to put you back together.

4. It burns when I pee, so I went to the doctor. He told me next time it happens, take a couple steps back away from the campfire.

5. I had to stop playing one of my favorite board games when my mom told me "Life's not fair."

6. We grew up so poor, the five-second rule even applied to milk.

7. If you get hurt in a moonwalk ride, is it appropriate to 'bounce back' from the injury?

8. I realized that toothpaste isn't made from teeth, and tomato paste doesn't clean tomatoes.

9. Why do alter boys still wear white?

10. When I was growing up, I wanted to fight crime, so I became a mime... but I could never make my boxes well enough to stop bullets.

11. I wonder if ghosts are people who were hit by cars and decided not to walk towards the light again.

12. When I worked at a retirement home, I would show the Alzheimer's patients The Sixth Sense everyday... and everyday I would ruin the ending.

13. Does lowbrow comedy have anything to do with pubic hair?

14. I went into a Victoria's Secret the other day, and one of the saleswomen asked me, "Are you shopping for a girlfriend or a wife?"... I didn't know you sold those here; I'll take two girlfriends. Could I get both of them in 36DD's?

15. I think Depends adult diapers should have used Nike's slogan, but slightly different, "Just did it."

16. If I had a sale at a porno store, I would have to call it a blowout sale.

17. I saw a woman with such big breast I would say they were G's... as in "Geeze, those are some big titties!"

18. I have a lot of bad habits. Sometimes I forget that I haven't washed my hands since wiping my ass until I go to pick my nose.

19. I followed a rainbow one day, and it took me to a gay club.

20. One day I was driving and got stuck behind a bus that had ads for Hooters all over it... we were on Beaver Street.

21. I almost ran myself off the road the other day cause the guy driving next to me was getting a blowjob. Problem was, he wasn't in a car, he was on a motorcycle.

[Ass-Crumb]

I seriously didn't find any of them funny, at all. Most of them are really cheap and a few of them just plain aren't funny.

I thought #4 was alright, but that's about it.

[squidly]

Yeah, you really need to work on these, the last three didn't even make sense.

[Spiderpig13]

4, 14, and 19 kinda made me chuckle, but that was about it, but it would somewhat of a comical idea for a book.

[MadnessITellYou]

Thanks for reading through them guys. It's no problem if you didn't like any of them, as I said, these are jokes (for some of these, jokes is used lightly) that I don't use. Some I have used on stage (14, 19-21), but none of them were real, and I try to keep my material close to truth, so I don't use them anymore. I used to use 9 all the time, but many people didn't like it, and now that I read it, it doesn't translate as well if I don't say it (white is a symbol of virginity and purity...). I also used to do a Mitch Headburg impression using 4, 10, and some other jokes that are too long to put into a book like this, but it was too random to continually use in my set. Everything else is random thoughts and little stupid lines I was hoping would build into each other.

[munio]

i think they ar epretty meh, some of them could work better if you just rephrase them

[Nightrunex]

Most of them were nicely thought of, but some of them (like no. 8) don't even deserve to be in the book.
You've written a mixture of jokes, most of them mature, some of them childish. Do you really think there's a market for bad mature joke books? :/

[RiotFlash]

I like #11
other than that, the rest aren't great.

[MadnessITellYou]

Again, thanks for reading them guys. These are not the jokes that are going into the book, if I ever write it. These are a very small sample of the the jokes that may go into the eventual book. As I said, I write a lot. I was hoping that I could get 4-5 out of this group, and over the next couple of years, any joke that I write that doesn't make my set, I'll think about putting with these. I have quickly realized that some of these (though they may have worked on stage) lose meaning or punch when I write them to be read as apposed to performing them. If some of them sound completely retarded, sometimes that was the point... but that doesn't mean I did or did not expect them to work. I'm the kind of writer that 'throws shit at the wall, and sees what sticks'... now, I wish I could throw shit like a monkey... but alas I do not quite have such 'fecal firepower'... Thanks again for reading guys, and for the critiques.

[Cauterised]

1. Kinda funny. I giggled

2. Lame

3. Liked it.

4. Old joke, boring.

5. Seems like it could have a better set up. Good punch-line.

6. Nice, kinda.

7. What?

8. Winner. Set it up a little cleaner.

9. The stains just blend in.

10. Stupid, sorry.

11. Liked it

12. Hahaha, keep that one.

13. No it doesn't, try again.

14. Better phrasing and it'll work.

15. No.

16. So would they, because they thought of that pun.

17. Yawn.

18. Cute.

19. Lame.

20. No.

21. Boring.

You got a couple winners in there, but I would trash the rest unless you're trying to impress middle-school kids. The ones in that little building across the parking lot that no one goes to.

[TheReno]

Id be angry if I bought a book and found out later that it was scraps from another book that the author didnt like but sold to me anyway. That and most of your jokes arent that good.

[scottmale24]

I suggest writing jokes from life experience instead of... whatever it is you're trying to do. The majority that you've come off as being really forced, but some of those wouldn't be too terrible if they had some buildup, and I guess a lot of it is in the delivery.

For example, take your joke #16. You've got a good pun there, but it falls a little flat. Give it some history, some flavor. Instead of "If I had a sale at a porno store, I would have to call it a blowout sale", talk about how fucked up it would be if you ran a porno store. Make a joke about how if your house is any indication of how well you clean up, the jerkoff booths would be crusted in an inch of old semen. And you'd giggle like a ten year old every time somebody would buy something, or you'd inflate blow-up dolls with helium and let them float off into the sky. Then you can make your blowout joke.

"And that's all well and good, but the thing that would probably get me arrested if nothing else did would be the truly terrible, terrible puns I'd come up with. Like if I had a sale, I wouldn't just put up a tiny little sign that said 'Dildos: 50% off'. It'd be a huge fucking banner hanging from the front of my store, forty feet wide, and it would say 'Blowout Sale.'"
(pause for laughter)
"Y'know, back when I worked at a tire store, I almost got fired for suggesting that same name to my boss"

[MadnessITellYou]

At 5/27/10 04:23 PM, scottmale24 wrote: I suggest writing jokes from life experience instead of... whatever it is you're trying to do. The majority that you've come off as being really forced, but some of those wouldn't be too terrible if they had some buildup, and I guess a lot of it is in the delivery.

In my actual, on stage set, all my jokes are from life experience. That's why a couple of these (that used to work) I don't use anymore, cause they aren't 'real'. Real shit is always funnier.
You're also right in that the delivery is not too good on some of these, but it may turn into a bathroom book. I've always felt that jokes for that type of book should be short, as in one or two sentences at most. I think that's why some of these don't work, they lose a lot written instead of spoken. I don't plan on using all of these for the book anyway... was hoping for about 5 from this list (if I even do the thing). Thanks for the input.