Heartbreak (A Poem)

[Dubbi]

I wouldn't mind some feedback! :)

Heartbreak

In a dungeon of darkness
A lonely man sits, heartless,
Even though he has a heart--
Just one that is torn apart.
Crimson red blood pumps and pumps
But still he slumps and slumps.
Into the bitter, sad ground
And fails to utter a sound.
But inside, there's a throbbing,
A bashed, broken bruise sobbing.
His soul screams and roars;
From him, putrid sadness pours.
Tears flood his sorrowful face;
Eyes sting as if struck by mace.
A nightmare and he can't awake
As is the pain of heartbreak.

[Spac3case916]

i like parts.

the repeated words are nice.
but when the poem opens with a contradiction... it makes me take it less seriously.

[Dubbi]

At 4/12/10 07:41 PM, Spac3case916 wrote: i like parts.

the repeated words are nice.
but when the poem opens with a contradiction... it makes me take it less seriously.

Ends with a contradiction? Please elucidate, good sir.

[megakill]

At 4/12/10 06:47 PM, Dubbi wrote:

Heartbreak

Okay, first off, my favorite line is "From him, putrid sadness pours." because I like the way you've worded it and the use of putrid and pours.
Now, I'm going to touch upon the structure. Personally, I would have liked you to have broken it up a bit, because it would symbolize heartbreak by being torn up, but, I have tried to play around with structure and when you post on Newgrounds it automatically moves stuff, so it's not always easy.
I thought the content was good, and it progressed nicely. I'm a bit uncertain about how some of the rhymes flow, but its all pretty smooth so there's no major issues for me there.
You used some good metaphors and there's a nice mix in terms of vocabulary, so really, I can't pick out anything in particular I don't like.
It's good work mate, keep it up!

[Athlas]

I like the imagery, but I get the feeling you work with rhymes for the sake of rhyming, in some parts at least. The atmosphere is great, but the flow of the piece didn't always work out the way it should (or could). You should try breaking it up a bit more, considering the title of your poem.

But these are all just peanuts, keep up the good work!

[iCurrie]

Im in a rush here, so I cant go into detail sorry. But I'm sure people can elaborate on this if your unsure. But your poem was good, it was just predictable. You had no unique rhymes, so to speak. Its like.

The fat cat,
Was on the mat,
Wearing a hat.

You need to expand your vocabulary, and you can do that by expanding your structure. If your unsure of what I mean, just say so and I can elaborate further another time.