I hadn't played Minecraft since I got it during it's alpha (a fucking while ago), built a gigantic wooden tower, set the fucker on fire then decided I really wasn't the Sims type.
Decided to go back and play it because why the hell not? As far as adventures go, it's a hell of a one. Had a fine fucking time playing it, scrounging materials from the bowels of the earth and fighting my way through castles in alternate dimensions, and finally beat the Grand Scaley Motherfucker himself yesterday.
Got half about through it when I decided "you know what would make this game a whole lot better? If the art didn't look like it was drawn by a fucking pre schooler." Would've complained about the combat, too, but after playing Skyrim I felt right at home.
But I decided to put my money where my mouth was and decided to redraw a few of the things in the game. If I couldn't top their designs myself how could I expect them to? So yeah, I know now to shut right the fuck up with my stupid opinions of design in video games on account of sucking.
Gonna relate to the ideas behind the designs, because why not, right? I have words, you have eyes. Let the two have a coffee or something, and see what happens.
Decided to make a little story behind the monsters and whatnot because right now it just seemed random and that wouldn't do at all. Figured I'd make it in response to some obvious questions:
- Why are all these asshole mongerers coming out only during the night, and are perfectly happy to stick around as the sun BURNS THEM TO DEATH?
- Why are they completely okay with throwing themselves at you, night after night, are okay with attacking you on sight and never falter even as you cut down their comrades?
- Why hasn't anyone figured out that your a badass motherfucker who doesn't take shit from noone? Did their screams as they bit the dirt somehow not hit home?
Then rather with going with the obvious answer (they're game constructs and someone in Mojang lacks an imagination) I decided that mister big grand scaley motherfucker was running a protection racket on the inhabitants of the land and that the minions were actually reincarnated each night - so it wasn't worth hiking it back to base when a little irritation would see you there instantly.
Course, the minions had to come from somewhere. Decided that the creepers weren't even sentient - just portable, gene-spliced bombs that had a hefty amount of punch.
Zombies were just as bad - locals who'd been 'made an example of", just to keep the rest of them from taking up arms. They shamble, moan, die in droves, and are basically just portable warning signs.
Endermen? Well shit, they didn't give a crap. Despite what the protection racket was netting Mr. Big Boss, they still weren't even getting dental. So they just meandered around, 'managing' the local assholes, and ignored everything so long as they didn't do something stupid and mess with THEM.
Skeleton Archers, were getting a bad rep on account of being giant pussies and fighting with arrows. But fuck, they were rocking this reincarnation deal - I mean sure, they got more then what they bargained for when they signed up for immortality - but getting to do what you love, night after night, and not having to worry about some dickhole champion playing kickball with your skull? That's what I call job security. I was actually starting to respect these motherfuckers, so I gave them a "i don't give a fuck" attitude to the point where they're using their own clavicles as quivers.
Now these spiders - a naturally timid and generally sissy species - throwing themselves at you with absolutely no regard for health and safety regulations? Why? Cause they've been trained, of course! A personal favourite of the Big Scaley, they functioned as basic war dogs and boy were they good at it. They were cool with whatever went on, being badass motherfucking war spiders. War ARACHNIDS. Fuck yeah.
Anyway when I got to the giant staticy floating island at the end and found myself up to my tits in Endermen and the lizard fuckface meandering around generally being a fucking game boss instead of rocking in the tons of phat cash I felt like what those fanfic writers do when their lil' novels are chucked out the door by canon. It made me feel sad inside and that wasn't something on my bucket list but OH WELL.