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Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen

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TrevorW
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Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Mar. 31st, 2010 @ 10:50 PM Reply

Contestants: Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen
Topic: Fight
1 day to write
2 days thereafter to vote

Notification to go out shortly!


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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Ponz
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 06:58 AM Reply

i's be first...here tis be

///Fight///

Cracked jaws, Bloody knuckles
Blacktop, Iron fences

sinister smiles
and minds so demented

in front of apartments;
heavy breathing, strong pants

stand two armstrong guys;
neither one named lance

at the first chance
they charge

bombard a blaze of jabs;
abroad from the face
to what could have made them dad

some say it's sad;
and it's just not right.
but hey........ it's just a fight.


Oh yeaaa

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funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 09:05 PM Reply

Is it alright if my submission is a little late? After I had posted my response for my first battle, I took quite a long nap, and now I have less then an hour before the deadline. I have a poem set in mind, but I don't think I would be able to finish such with less than an hour of time.


I put the BS in BBS.

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TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 10:27 PM Reply

At 4/1/10 09:05 PM, funnyhomeboy wrote: Is it alright if my submission is a little late? After I had posted my response for my first battle, I took quite a long nap, and now I have less then an hour before the deadline. I have a poem set in mind, but I don't think I would be able to finish such with less than an hour of time.%u2248%u2248%u2248

Yes. You can have the extension on both.


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 11:06 PM Reply

Okay, here is my submission.

Daddy yells.
Mommy screams.
Beating is heard,
and the pain teems.

Mommy cries,
clothed in bruises.
Glass is broken,
He screams, "Excuses!"

I lie in bed,
I hear the fray.
I clasp my hands,
and start to pray.

Tears roll down,
my fragile hands.
Not knowing of,
my father's plans.

"I've been told,"
I whimper slowly.
"That you are loving."
I whisper lowly.

"That you made me,
and stitched me with love.
But why am I in hell,
when I was sent from above?"

I pause in silence,
I take in a breath.
Crashes may stop,
but I feel constant death.

"My teacher told me,"
I continued my prayer.
"That the cops are protectors,
that they're always there."

I say "9...1...1..",
and take the phone,
I dial the number,
and hear plates thrown.

"I saw you, bitch!"
"Come quickly, please!"
"I hate you, you cunt!"
"Oak Street, by the trees!"

"Worry not, little boy
it will be alright.
We'll guide you out of
this dreadful fight."

Thwap-Smack-Jab!
This pain can't last for longer,
for the time comes for
the end to the hate-monger.

The sirens blare,
the shouts are exchanged.
Just end this quick, daddy,
don't be so deranged.

"Get on the ground!"
The blue man exclaims.
Mommy is grateful,
but her pain inflames.

Mommy falls to the ground,
broken and weak.
I rush to her side,
Her love is what I seek.

The blue man steps out.
"It will be alright.
the fight is over,
let this darkness come to light."

The blue men lead us out,
away from the sins of men.
I look happily to both of them,
and quietly say, 'Amen".

Sorry it's an hour late, but here it is.


I put the BS in BBS.

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funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 1st, 2010 @ 11:07 PM Reply

...damn you Kevin Bacon.


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Raethen
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 02:22 AM Reply

I'm probably late to respond, and my submission wont count, but I'm making one anyways. tevor you'll have to let me know if I have been disqualified.

----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
In legends told long ago
And read by current eyes,
two siblings lived each others' lives
And thought themselves as gold.

One had the virgin's tears
And sought no harm to any.
Whilst the other had a different course
And domesticated many

Each brother sought to please their lord
And gave what they desired
A plate of precious fruit from one
And a leg of lamb was fired.

A mighty voice lumbered
Through their bewildered minds.
The blood of landed clouds
Was preferred over the vines

The younger of the two
Was pleased with his new luster
As the older one was left to fume
And ponder his lost posture

In rage the latter struck the one
And bore him to the earth.
A fury of blood and spit resounded
Until the younger lay quite grounded.

Anew the voice almighty flew
Though the poor man's brain
Heresy and blasphemy
Was committed in his name

Banished was the older one,
For sibling revelry
Cursed for all eternity
To forever roam as "free"

So when angered by your younger self
Strike not in petty rage,
But consider him a blessing
And learn from his young age.

----------------------------------------
----------------------

For being made in two minutes, I like it. If you're not a Bible reader then you won't know what it is about. That's about the only thing I say.
And if I'm given a chance I will sacrifice a goat in the name of TrevorW. And I will love you more than a fat man loves his his burger.


There is a secret I must tell you, but if I do it will no longer be so.

TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 02:40 AM Reply

Reathen its fine. I am sure that the other two contestants are fine with you being a few hours late...it happens. Good luck.


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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ShortMonkey
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 02:40 AM Reply

Cane and Abel! My vote goes to Raethen. His poem was unique, serious, humorous at the end, contains a good message, is fluent and also accomplishes the aim. The other two poems were good as well but Raethen's poem grabbed me straight away.

I'm sure Trevor will let your entry in.

Raethen - 1
Ponz - 0
Funnyhomeboy - 0


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Raethen
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 01:38 PM Reply

Thanks Trevor for being lenient.
I hope no one minds me bumping the thread back to the top, it looked like it was getting pretty far down. It would be pretty sad if only one person voted. Thinking of which, might I be able to vote for one of the others' poems? Or am I not allowed to do that since I'm participating?
Thanks for the vote ShortMonkey!


There is a secret I must tell you, but if I do it will no longer be so.

TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 01:46 PM Reply

If you really want to vote for your opponent I'm fine with it...though that isn't the best way to win!


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 01:53 PM Reply

Ponz -- I really enjoyed yours. The pacing was fitting and the form was interesting. The tone was ironic and mellow, which I enjoyed. I liked the twist you took.

Reathen -- I am a bloody sucker for epic sounding poetry...and I use religion a lot in my poetry (though I have no God myself).

Choosing between these two poems was HARD. I have to nit pick!

I feel that Ponz could have punctuated better and Reathen could have made better use of tone...and for me the tone kills it.

I vote for Ponz.

Funnyhomeboy: 0
Ponz: 1
Reathen: 1


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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Raethen
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 02:38 PM Reply

I liked Ponz's as well. It had an intriguing feel to it. I thought it was interesting how one line would have no rhyme partner until further down the poem. It seemed as if the poem itself was broken from the fight. I vote for Ponz.

Ponz-2
Raethen-1
Funnyhomeboy-0

Yes I know, I'm voting for my opponent.


There is a secret I must tell you, but if I do it will no longer be so.

funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 09:44 PM Reply

At 4/2/10 01:53 PM, TrevorW wrote: Ponz -- I really enjoyed yours. The pacing was fitting and the form was interesting. The tone was ironic and mellow, which I enjoyed. I liked the twist you took.

Reathen -- I am a bloody sucker for epic sounding poetry...and I use religion a lot in my poetry (though I have no God myself).

Choosing between these two poems was HARD. I have to nit pick!

I feel that Ponz could have punctuated better and Reathen could have made better use of tone...and for me the tone kills it.

I vote for Ponz.

Funnyhomeboy: 0
Ponz: 1
Reathen: 1

Well considering my poem hasn't even been reviewed I can tell that it people think it sucks. I need to be more critical of my work.


I put the BS in BBS.

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ShortMonkey
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 10:12 PM Reply

At 4/2/10 09:44 PM, funnyhomeboy wrote: Well considering my poem hasn't even been reviewed I can tell that it people think it sucks. I need to be more critical of my work.

Your poem was written well, it's just the whole theme is disturbing and does not send a good message. I don't like the anti-family-ism where organisations such as the police are preferred over family, mainly parents. I understand that your beliefs are probably not anti-family and neither is the message you were trying to portray into your poem, but the message is saying that the police and other organisations are you friends, not family.


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funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 10:41 PM Reply

I did not imply that the police are substituting a family, it's just the message that police are protectors.

The fact that the boy said "Amen" in a sense is that he is seeing the blue men to be his guardian angels. I am not 'anti-family' in any way, I've been raised in a very good family atmosphere.

It's just that stuff like this actually happens in the world.

Yes, it is disturbing, but it does not exempt itself that it should be ignored and met with passiveness.

Blah...that's my punishment for drawing outside the lines I suppose.


I put the BS in BBS.

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MaliciousAngel
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 2nd, 2010 @ 11:34 PM Reply

I liked Raethen's the best, it was the most interesting to me. Ponzes was ok, but I feel it didn't flow a little too much of the time and there were some very patchy parts, like at one piont you said:
"neither of them named lance"
That just seemed forced and placed thier to keep the rhyme up. The rhyming should help the poem become stronger, not add meaningless lines to keep up with it.

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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 3rd, 2010 @ 01:43 AM Reply

At 4/2/10 10:41 PM, funnyhomeboy wrote: I did not imply that the police are substituting a family, it's just the message that police are protectors.

The fact that the boy said "Amen" in a sense is that he is seeing the blue men to be his guardian angels. I am not 'anti-family' in any way, I've been raised in a very good family atmosphere.

It's just that stuff like this actually happens in the world.

Yes, it is disturbing, but it does not exempt itself that it should be ignored and met with passiveness.

Blah...that's my punishment for drawing outside the lines I suppose.

It didn't dawn on me to think the police as "angels", but the amen implied his prayer had been answered. Which appears to be somewhat of a contrast. Had the police been called by a neighbor, or heard the fighting and came to investigate, it would have given off more of the 'guardian angel' vibe instead of the kid making the call. I interpreted it as self intervention, and not so much divine.
There is no punishment for outside line drawing, merely interpretation.


There is a secret I must tell you, but if I do it will no longer be so.

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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 3rd, 2010 @ 06:09 AM Reply

i think all of the poems were pretty good. funnyhomeboy i don't think the cops being protectors in your poem was bad. its a poem you're suppose to go out of the box with it. and i think the kid said amen cuz his prayers were answered..there's nothing wrong with that coming from a kid whose suffered abuse...calling the cops blue men was different though... it was an interesting poem

raethen: yours was funny.. good plot. out of the box too


Oh yeaaa

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funnyhomeboy
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 3rd, 2010 @ 03:43 PM Reply


It didn't dawn on me to think the police as "angels"

Yeah, I think I should have used the 'blaring lights' to give the police officer a more luminescent and ominous presence in the poem. Live and learn, live and learn.


I put the BS in BBS.

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TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 4th, 2010 @ 01:00 PM Reply

Due to Funnyhomeboy's extension this battle goes on until 10 tonight...get some votes in!


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 4th, 2010 @ 01:10 PM Reply

I like bible references in poetry although I'm not personally a believer, so my vote goes to Raethen!


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
Than teach 10,000 stars how not to dance.
-- ee cummings

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TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 4th, 2010 @ 01:19 PM Reply

At 4/4/10 01:10 PM, Dubbi wrote: I like bible references in poetry although I'm not personally a believer, so my vote goes to Raethen!

I feel the same way about that. Faith is a huge part in the normal person's life and thus can not be ignored.


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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 6th, 2010 @ 08:39 PM Reply

Sorry this is late.

Congrats Reathen with 3 votes!


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 6th, 2010 @ 08:48 PM Reply

Well, considering this contest is a fluke, if Trevor wins without any competition, I wouldn't going one on one with with the same topic...


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
Than teach 10,000 stars how not to dance.
-- ee cummings

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TrevorW
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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 6th, 2010 @ 09:32 PM Reply

At 4/6/10 08:48 PM, Dubbi wrote: Well, considering this contest is a fluke, if Trevor wins without any competition, I wouldn't going one on one with with the same topic...

Did you mean to post that in the birds topic?


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Response to Funnyhomeboy v Ponz v Raethen Apr. 6th, 2010 @ 09:48 PM Reply

At 4/6/10 09:32 PM, TrevorW wrote:
Did you mean to post that in the birds topic?

Yep, sorry....


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
Than teach 10,000 stars how not to dance.
-- ee cummings

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