I wrote some smut.

[PortalGun]

i decided to write this for fun, and cuz my DA account is one year old now. this involves characters from a story im currently writing, but that has no meaning here, you just gotta know, the guy fights with two chicks...also check on the views here, cuz i'm sure it'll be high

Kiri felt goosebumps rise on her legs. She had never experienced an intimate touch like this. She was laying on a large bed. She felt the warm hands of her lover rub her leg, from her foot, to her upper thigh. She had a thought in the back of her mind, that maybe this was wrong. After all, she had never been with another woman before, or a man for that matter. But she knew in her heart that this was right.

Her top shirt button was undone. She was wearing a white blouse, with thin red stripes going vertically. Her lover was at the end of the bed, crawling towards her, kissing her body on the way up. Kiri chuckled, because her lover's mouth tickled her, as she kissed her stomach. She reached Kiri's face.

"I've waited for you for a long time." Jhinn whispered in Kiri's ear.

"So have I" Kiri whispered back. The two of them shared a passionate kiss. Their tongues twisted around each other, licking their mouths. Jhinn softly bit Kiri's bottom lip. They sat up, still kissing. Jhinn unzipped her white vest, and took it off, exposing the red lacy bra she was wearing underneath. Kiri grabbed her button. Jhinn grabbed Kiri's wrists.

"Arms behind your back." Jhinn said. She had her notorious devilish grin across her face. Kiri put her hands behind her back, and grabbed her wrists. Jhinn bit the top button on Kiri's blouse off. She spit the button onto the ground. She smiled. They locked lips again, while Kiri still kept her hands back. Jhinn grabbed the two sides of Kiri's blouse, and ripped the shirt off of her. Kiri was wearing a white bra.

They continued to kiss, while sliding their hands on the other's bare back. They fell over, Jhinn on top of Kiri. She started to rub Kiri's breasts. Kiri sighed in pleasure. Jhinn kissed her stomach, and ran her tongue up her stomach. Jhinn noticed that Kiri's bra unattached in the front. She bit the bra, and twisted her head. The latch popped off. Jhinn ran her fingers on Kiri's chest, exposing her soft, young breast. Kiri's nipples were small and round, much like the rest of the breast.

Jhinn licked Kiri's nipples, making Kiri sigh again. She massaged Kiri's breasts softly. Kiri grabbed Jhinn's breast too. Which were bigger than hers. Jhinn sat up, her body on my legs. She reached behind her, and took off her bra. Her large breasts fell out of her bra. Her nipples were larger, and dark. They started making out again. Their soft bodies rubbing against one another. They rolled over to the other side of the bed. This time Kiri sat up. Jhinn laid on her back. Her long brown hair spread out on the bed. Kiri unbuttoned Jhinn's pants, and slowly unzipped them. She quickly pulled the pants off Jhinn.

She softly kissed Jhinn's stomach. Jhinn was wearing red panties. She carefull rubbed Jhinn's vagina. Jhinn sighed louder, the more she did it. Kiri grabbed the sides Jhinn's panties, and slowly started to pull them off.

"Relian, wake up!" Jhinn yelled. Relian was asleep in the back of the car.

"Ugh, why'd you wake me?" Relian asked.

"Because, we're almost there, and you've been dry humping the back seat for two hours." Jhinn said.

"Fine, but give me an extra ten minutes next time." Relian said.

[sinfulwolf]

To be honest, it wasn't that good. Using such clinical words like vagina in smut sort of takes away from the mood. The stop of flow to describe clothing also took away from the mood. When a piece of clothing is taken off, instead of putting a period and saying "She wore a white bra" say something more along the lines of, exposing the white fabric of her bra. Keeps it flowing a little better.

Also, don't go too in depth describing clothing. We don't need to know about the thin red vertical stripes on her shirt. Simply say white shirt. Best way to deal with clothing is to briefly go over what the characters are wearing as they are introduced in such a way that it appears sexy. Talk about how it fits on their body, how it accentuates curves. The other thing you could do is describe the the garments as they are being removed.

Try not to use the term "Making out." It doesn't sound as sexy as the act really is. More so, describe what they are doing like you did the first time they were sharing some fiery kisses. Also, use words like fiery, passionate, lustful, hungry, and so forth to set a more sexual mood.

When describing body parts in a smut piece, try not to use too many sentences on one part. Something more along the lines of "Her large full breasts fell free, large dark nipples standing on end, eager for attention." It draws the reader in a little more, sets a more sensual, or sexual scene.

The removing of clothing can be very sexy. You can describe pulling panties down over her hips, and down her legs, but try not to get into too much details about unbuttoning, and then unzipping a pair of jeans. Seems clunkier, and clunkiness destroys the mood.

Also the ending was very anti-climatic. Sure it was kinda funny, but it really destroys the mood. If you were going to make it a dream, you could have had some internal reflection, some thought to the dream rather than "Ugh, let me finish the wet dream." People tend to be a little more embarrassed if they get caught humping a seat.

That's all I got for ya. Keep practicing, writing good smut is not as easy as it seems.

[TheThing]

At 3/16/10 12:43 AM, sinfulwolf wrote: That's all I got for ya. Keep practicing, writing good smut is not as easy as it seems.

I agree with everything you said.

I'd just like to add that you need to use less periods and more commas, and changing up sentences to keep a good flow going. It's very staccato, and ruins any flow you had. For example, the sentence "Her top shirt button was undone. She was wearing a white blouse" could be changed to "The top shirt button of her white blouse was undone". This makes the scene much shorter, but also feel more natural.

[Coop]

At 3/15/10 05:39 PM, PortalGun wrote: She reached behind her, and took off her bra. Her large breasts fell out of her bra.

You need to work more on this, as you're nowhere near the level of sensuality that you need for writing this kind of work.

Something like "Reaching behind her, she undid the clasp and her bra dropped to her elbows, exposing her voluptuous bosom" would sound so much better, as "Her large breasts fell out of her bra" really doesn't do anything for the mood.

I'd recommend that you search on google for erotic stories, if you're going to try anything like this again. www.literotica.com is one such place that I've heard of, for example. Research will help your own writing.

[sinfulwolf]

Another good site for smut and erotica writing is www.adultfanfiction.com

Despite the name it has a fair amount of original works as well. That's where I used to post my smut a few years back.

[PortalGun]

i appreciate the comments. to be honest, i'm out of my element. i felt a little awkward writing this, because i dont have a particularly dirty mind, so trying to focus more on the sex, and less on the details was hard for me.this is the only thing on my DA with a warning on it. the glimmer series is PG-13, along with the others. the swearing ls limited to damn, ass, and bastard. the story gets most praise on the fast paced action and the story concept. i hope this at least provided some entertainment.

truthfully, i really just wanted to see them naked. i know its weird, but i write it as i envision it.

[TheThing]

At 3/16/10 03:32 PM, PortalGun wrote: i appreciate the comments. to be honest, i'm out of my element.

I completely understand. But if you want to continue this piece, follow Coop's and Sinfulwolf's advise and read a bit of well-written erotica. It'll help you understand what makes smut good and what makes it bad. At the very least, you might pick up some tips on writing in general.

i hope this at least provided some entertainment.

Don't get me wrong, imagining it in my head was great, but reading it wasn't as much.

[PortalGun]

idk, i feel kinda weird doing this kind of stuff. my mind is dirty enough for this kind of stuff. it was fun to do, but i don't it's worth wasting more time, that i could use writing more stuff three people will glance at.

also, on my DA, 46 pageviews, and 1 download...someone actually downloaded it so they could have it on their hard drive. XD

[PortalGun]

At 3/16/10 06:58 PM, PortalGun wrote: idk, i feel kinda weird doing this kind of stuff. my mind isn't dirty enough for this kind of stuff. it was fun

fixed :3