This is a thread for my poetry, some of which was used in the poetry battles. It's actually been a while, but I'm getting back into poetry.
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With this one, I won my first poetry battle. The topic was "Luck and Revenge":
What started out as best laid plans,
now only causes corruption,
Leading you down the beaten path,
to happiness or destruction.
Both can end in victory,
or bring about great sadness,
One is considered as mere chance,
the other, a desire from madness.
Though the two seem so different,
a relationship can exist,
In plain view as it is mostly,
it still is often dismissed.
From intents to harm or help they stem,
causing or easing pain,
But, just as luck would have it,
revenge is had again.
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At 3/7/10 12:20 AM, zachdamacman wrote: Comments would be nice....
Post another poem or two...people will come.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
Wrote this when I was imagining what being heartbroken felt like:
Shut off from the world,
cold and icy winds hiss,
where curtain of darkness is unfurled,
harboring deepest loneliness.
Sanctum for innermost hurt,
caused by hearts black as coal,
which tread upon feelings like dirt,
gather lost and tattered souls.
Solitude nowhere near,
in this dreadful concession,
shed are many tears,
caused by states of depression.
Existence only in sorrow,
from which they can't be free,
blind to bright tomorrows,
all of them seem to be.
Sadness covering them like tar,
lying in silent despair,
heartbroken as they are,
but no one even cares.
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Okay, dont get me wrong, It'd a good poem, but if you've never been heartbroken, dont write about it, If you wanna know what its like, read my shit, but otherwise, just write from the heart.
I hope your never heartbroken, i truly do, but theres no promises.
K, my first serious review!
Shut off from the world,
cold and icy winds hiss,
where curtain of darkness is unfurled,
harboring deepest loneliness.
So far so good. Go a bit out of rhythm but still good. I like the abstract language and how its used to set the reader's mind on (for me) a seemingly endless wasteland.
Sanctum for innermost hurt,
The hurt? and what would innermost mean? It isn't as clear as it could be.
caused by hearts black as coal,
even if you describe hearts black, hearts still bring to mind love, so try to find a substitute that brings up harsher images. (Herpes? srry, just had to)
which tread upon feelings like dirt,
gather lost and tattered souls.
Gathering? gather just seems a bit queer compared to the rest of the poem's rhythm.
Solitude nowhere near,
in this dreadful concession,
Wouldn't solitude be everywhere in a concession? or is this some DHM thing?
shed are many tears,
caused by states of depression.
Maybe: caused by harsh cruel depression
Existence only in sorrow,
from which they can't be free,
blind to bright tomorrows,
all of them seem to be.
Good, flows well and fits in the general theme
Sadness covering them like tar,
lying in silent despair,
heartbroken as they are,
but no one even cares.
no one *ever cares? I think that would be nicer, because it goes along with the general theme of no escape FOREVER that I get from it.
Hope you liked the review. First long one I did. Also, can u return the favor and check out some of my poems? link 3 in my sig.
either way
Regards,
Mr. 666
The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it. - E. Hemingway
At 3/7/10 08:34 PM, megakill wrote: Okay, dont get me wrong, It'd a good poem, but if you've never been heartbroken, dont write about it, If you wanna know what its like, read my shit, but otherwise, just write from the heart.
I hope your never heartbroken, i truly do, but theres no promises.
Alright. Thanks for the advice. I have been severely emotionally hurt before, which is what I used as a base for this poem. I don't quite think it was heartbreak though.
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Thanks for the review Subject. Pointing out all of the flaws really helps me with my errors.
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I'm working on some poems now, so I'll be posting them soon.
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Bottles littering his space,
opening bloodshot eyes,
rubs his worn and tired face,
so many persistent lies.
Blames everyone but himself,
for the way he lives,
trouble stays on his shelf,
leaving him nothing to give.
Goes to the dresser to get his gun,
points it at his head,
tired of the existence through which he runs,
but puts it down instead.
Decides it's time to be a man,
and stop living for yesterday,
finally, he made a stand,
and found a better way.
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I have to say, your latest poem was most enjoyable.
Thank you both. I think I'm finally getting my edge back.
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. At 3/15/10 05:11 PM, zachdamacman wrote:
Bottles littering his space
I found this amazingly easy to relate to. I'm not going to comment so much on the flow and grammar, but rather, it's the theme and execution that I admire.
You've written about something that I personally can say I've experienced, and still do, minus the suicide attempts; believe it or not, I'm actually against suicide.
Linking his drinking, to past events and his delegation of blame helped to create realism, and brought everything forward into reality.
Good work!
At 3/28/10 10:37 PM, megakill wrote:
I found this amazingly easy to relate to. I'm not going to comment so much on the flow and grammar, but rather, it's the theme and execution that I admire.
Linking his drinking, to past events and his delegation of blame helped to create realism, and brought everything forward into reality.
Good work!
Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.
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She continually pushes me away, no matter what I say or do,
in other directions, gently she sways,
leaving me in the residue.
Everything else in my view,
just pales in comparison,
when in her presence, I feel anew,
all things seem to work in unison.
I just want her to behold,
the being that's kept inside,
opening the defensive stronghold,
and let me in her graces reside.
As much as I long,
that she would feel likewise,
my heart sings the song,
my feelings I can't disguise.
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Zach some of your rhymes don't work. You can't apply a rhyme scheme and then not use it.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
At 4/11/10 12:09 AM, TrevorW wrote: Zach some of your rhymes don't work. You can't apply a rhyme scheme and then not use it.
Do you mean the unison/comparison lines?
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At 4/11/10 12:20 AM, zachdamacman wrote:At 4/11/10 12:09 AM, TrevorW wrote: Zach some of your rhymes don't work. You can't apply a rhyme scheme and then not use it.Do you mean the unison/comparison lines?
Explain your choice in rhymes. What are you doing here?
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
I see what you mean.... That was actually unintentional. I wanted each section of it to rhyme separately. I should have proof read it. I guess I should quit though if I suck so much at it. Sorry if I wasted your time.
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At 4/11/10 01:01 AM, zachdamacman wrote: I see what you mean.... That was actually unintentional. I wanted each section of it to rhyme separately. I should have proof read it. I guess I should quit though if I suck so much at it. Sorry if I wasted your time.
Never a waste of time. You tried something. Now improve upon it!
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
At 4/11/10 01:05 AM, TrevorW wrote:At 4/11/10 01:01 AM, zachdamacman wrote:
Never a waste of time. You tried something. Now improve upon it!
Thanks.
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She leads me on,
to that beautiful place,
which nothing could ever,
begin to replace.
Something shoots through,
with quality surreal,
swiftly letting me know,
these feelings, they're real.
In nervous states,
her voice places my mind,
to keep myself at ease,
I have to remind.
When she's nowhere near,
the longing still remains,
wanting to be with her,
is what stays the main.
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"quality" seems out of place
and main doesn't rhime with remains
apart from that good flow
At 4/22/10 03:53 PM, munio wrote: "quality" seems out of place
and main doesn't rhime with remains
apart from that good flow
It's not perfect, but I believe a poem doesn't have to rhyme perfectly to be good. Thanks.
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