Autumn's Rebellious Leaves

[Dubbi]

Personally, I think this is the piece I've ever written. I yearn for your feedback so please satisfy my sincere desire by reviewing and criticizing my story.

Autumn's rebellious leaves

The autumn leaves flew joyously with the wind; their red and orange hues swept past the ancient immense trees of which they once belonged to. Admiring the sight, John Bishop fell onto the moist grass and indulged in a much needed break. It had been long arduous day for him and the beauty of nature never failed to assuage his stress. He was a bit uncomfortable, the dampness of the grass had jumped onto his tattered jeans, but he ignored the minor annoyance.

"I'm never going back there", he said as if the trees were listening.
"They'll be better off without me."

The sun would soon start its descent and before long, darkness would envelop the forest. John disregarded this as he laid his head along the wet grass and closed his tired eyes. Suddenly, in the outskirts of his ears, he heard a sound which wasn't correspondent to nature. The barely audible noise sounded like a few people traveling through the woods.
Could it be them? He thought to himself, secretly hoping for the affirmative.

"Eh, as if they give a rats ass about me", He muttered.

The mysterious noise grew progressively louder with each passing second. This alerted John and his eyes crammed open in pursuit of the disturbance. They soon caught the culprit; a father and a son were sauntering through the leaf adorned grass.

Of course it's not them; there'll never look for me, the teenager so naively thought.

He attempted to conceal himself from the intruders by twisting into a position which would reveal as little of his body as possible. Meanwhile, the family continued their stroll. The young child was laughing and playing as he made his way through the forest, an innocent happiness much envied by John. The two of them were approaching rapidly and soon they would be adjacent to him. John was overcome by a wave of trepidation; he desperately didn't want to be confronted. Unfortunately, the gregarious son was oblivious to his wish. The young boy's eyes stumbled upon John and the lad ambled to where he was laying.

The boy had long dirty brown hair and a friendly face; he didn't look any older than five. Soon he emerged about a meter or two away from John and glared at his black hair, torn t-shirt, tattered jeans and exhausted countenance.

"Hello", the boy greeted jovially.
"Um, hi, how are you doing", said John as he franticly rose.
"Billy, who are you talking to?" His father asked cheerfully, noticing his son's deviation.
"Uh, my name's John. I was just relaxing here when your son saw me and said hi."
"Oh. It's beautiful isn't it? I had to lock my kid indoors all day yesterday because of the rain and today he was feeling restless, so I took him for a hike."

The grass and tress sparkled brightly with the remains of the past day's shower. Yesterday's tears became today's wonder. The previously secluded foxes, squirrels and rabbits now ostentatiously dwelled throughout the wilderness. Their vibrant beauty contributed greatly to the amazing allure of the forest.

"Yeah, it rained real heavy last night", John remarked; and by the soaked condition of his clothes, the father knew he personally experienced the clouds wrath.
"So, is everything all right with you?" The father inquired.
"Everything's fine", John replied with an acerbity that revealed his deception.
"I hope so."
"I said everything's fine! Can you just leave me alone?"
"Billy, come over here." The young boy grudgingly returned to his father.
"Look, I just want to help you. Tell me what's wro-."
"You don't even know me!" John interrupted with a vehement scream.
"I don't have to know you to realize that you slept outside yesterday. Trust me, you need help."
"Look, I think you need help. Leave me alone!"
"When was the last time you ate something?"

John considered responding obscenely, but hesitated when he remembered that the man's son was with him.

"I'll ask it again, when was the last time you ate?"
"Not since last night", John conceded, his defensive barriers faltering.
"Look, you're drenched, your clothes are ripped, and you're probably starving. It's getting late and where going to go back to our house. Please have dinner with us."
"What we eating?" Rejoined the exuberant son.
"Pasta, cooked by your mom."
"Yippy!" The young boy cried in delight.

[Dubbi]

At this remark, John started to smile and his barrier was finally obliterated.

"All right, I guess I can go for some dinner."

While the three of them journeyed home, the sun continued on its own journey which now about half complete. To the east the three of them could see her departure which dimmed the forest's extravagant light. The myriad of orange leaves resting on the ground was enchanting; dark shadows danced over autumn's legacy gleefully. With the flamboyance of the day abated and the night's blackness having not yet usurped the air, the colorful forest possessed a quaint beauty.

The house was not far and when they exited the woods, their destination was only about ten minutes away. The road bordering the forest held a stark contrast to the tranquil woods. Artificial light rendered by light posts illuminated the street, but this light lacked the natural beauty of the sun's radiant rays. Cars rumbled through, protruding an obnoxious noise and unsanitary gas which further emphasized the difference between the two areas. The trio continued their voyage and soon entered an unassuming neighborhood which lied at the edge of the road. The houses inside were simple, elegant and well attended to. After a short time, they arrived at the father's domain. It was a beautiful brick house, not massive enough to be considered a mini mansion, but too large to be denounced as a poor man's house. At the entrance, a lush but simple garden greeted any visitors. Red roses, brilliant bushes and a variety of frivolous flowers adorned the terrific terrace. Upon entering the house the trio was met with an aromatic wind emanating from the kitchen.

"You're finally home!" The wife said.
"And we brought back a guest", replied the husband.
"Okay, I'll go set up a fourth seat at the table."

The three of them walked to the dining room to commence the feast of spaghetti and meatballs. The little boy dashed into his mother's loving arms and they embraced. The mom had long dark hair and a tender gentle face. She was wearing a nightgown as white as the kindest clouds.

"Hello, can I have your name?" She asked while scrutinizing the stranger's appearance. The scowl on her face suggested that she wasn't pleased with his torn drenched clothes and long unkempt hair.

"My name's Mike, your husband invited me."
"I see, well can you explain why your soaking wet?

The question panicked John; he never thought he'd have to justify his condition. Though, he should have known about the mother's inherent need to know everything about someone who's around her child. He thought about lying, but not even he could reciprocate the family's relentless cordiality with deception.

"My parents and I were fighting last night over how I was missing school. I cursed at my dad and he lost his anger and smacked me fiercely in my face. Then I just ran off, they don't care about me and I doubt they'd even want me back." John sullenly said.
"That's not true, I'm sure they love you. Sometimes parents just get a bit frustrated", she consoled.
"Eh, my dad got more than a bit frustrated."
"Still, they're your parents. They may not be perfect, but I don't believe they're the devils you portray them to be.
"I guess so, and I do have to go back to them sooner or later, but for now I don't want to think about it."

With the conclusion of the mother's inspection, the four of them began to eat. The spaghetti was smothered with homemade delicious tomato sauce and the meatballs resting on top of the plates were plump and juicy. Having not eaten since last night, John ravaged through his meal consuming seconds and then thirds.

"Thank you for the dinner", John said as he arose from his table to place his plate in the kitchen sink.
"It was no problem", the father replied. After returning from the kitchen, John headed towards the door to vanish into the night.
"Wait." The mother said. "Do the right thing."
"I will."

Upon exiting the tranquil house, he was encompassed in a severe darkness. The moon was nearly nonexistent in the sky; only a sliver of white remained. John had much to ponder, but thankfully it was a long walk home. What was he to say to his parents when he arrived? What would is parents say to him? Could he forgive them? Would they forgive him? Would his dad be sullen or enraged? Would mom cry or be apathetic? The plethora of questions raced around his mind like a class of school children playing tag. And when he finally trudged to his destination, a small slightly dilapidated house with no backyard, his mind was a whirlpool of anxiety. The question of should he turn back crept into his thoughts, but it was erased when he saw a middle aged, dark haired, wrinkled faced woman sitting on a chair in the front of the house, with the saddest frown and most melancholy eyes he'd ever seen. He sprinted to the woman, who was unmistakably his mom, and wrapped his arms around her with a passionate poignant hug.

[stimcrab]

At 3/5/10 03:44 PM, Dubbi wrote:

The autumn leaves flew joyously with the wind; their red and orange hues swept past the ancient immense trees of which they once belonged to. Admiring the sight, John Bishop fell onto the moist grass and indulged in a much needed break. It had been long arduous day for him and the beauty of nature never failed to assuage his stress. He was a bit uncomfortable, the dampness of the grass had jumped onto his tattered jeans, but he ignored the minor annoyance.

Well, it starts of fairly strong and this is a good opening paragraph, except for describing the wetness on the guy's jeans. I don't feel that "jumped" would necessarily be the best word.

"I'm never going back there", he said as if the trees were listening.
"They'll be better off without me."

This dialog seems stilted. It's not bad, but it's not great either. I'd recommend trying to make it more human.

"Eh, as if they give a rats ass about me", He muttered.

Sorry, but there's a grammar mistake here, and I'm neurotic.

The mysterious noise grew progressively louder with each passing second. This alerted John and his eyes crammed open in pursuit of the disturbance. They soon caught the culprit; a father and a son were sauntering through the leaf adorned grass.

I don't necessarily like your word choice here.

Of course it's not them; there'll never look for me, the teenager so naively thought.

You should probably set apart your 'thought statements' with something. Not necessarily with the quote, but maybe with an apostrophe? This seems a bit overly repetitious, but I can see how you'd want it this way.

"Hello", the boy greeted jovially.
"Um, hi, how are you doing", said John as he franticly rose.
"Billy, who are you talking to?" His father asked cheerfully, noticing his son's deviation.
"Uh, my name's John. I was just relaxing here when your son saw me and said hi."
"Oh. It's beautiful isn't it? I had to lock my kid indoors all day yesterday because of the rain and today he was feeling restless, so I took him for a hike."

This dialog is much better in my opinion. It seems like something actual humans would say. There is better word choice in this section, as it mirrors the actions.

The grass and tress sparkled brightly with the remains of the past day's shower. Yesterday's tears became today's wonder. The previously secluded foxes, squirrels and rabbits now ostentatiously dwelled throughout the wilderness. Their vibrant beauty contributed greatly to the amazing allure of the forest.

Again, word choice. And I don't like the first sentence. It seems overly cliched and a bit annoying; there is friction between it and the theme-so-far.

"Yeah, it rained real heavy last night", John remarked; and by the soaked condition of his clothes, the father knew he personally experienced the clouds wrath.
"So, is everything all right with you?" The father inquired.
"Everything's fine", John replied with an acerbity that revealed his deception.
"I hope so."
"I said everything's fine! Can you just leave me alone?"
"Billy, come over here." The young boy grudgingly returned to his father.
"Look, I just want to help you. Tell me what's wro-."
"You don't even know me!" John interrupted with a vehement scream.
"I don't have to know you to realize that you slept outside yesterday. Trust me, you need help."
"Look, I think you need help. Leave me alone!"
"When was the last time you ate something?"

The dialog is once again not wonderful. This time, it's not because of the inorganicness, but the words just seem like something I've already read or heard. In a word, it seems trite.

John considered responding obscenely, but hesitated when he remembered that the man's son was with him.

"I'll ask it again, when was the last time you ate?"
"Not since last night", John conceded, his defensive barriers faltering.
"Look, you're drenched, your clothes are ripped, and you're probably starving. It's getting late and where going to go back to our house. Please have dinner with us."
"What we eating?" Rejoined the exuberant son.
"Pasta, cooked by your mom."
"Yippy!" The young boy cried in delight.

Now, I've read your second post, but I'm not going to have its bits and pieces all over the screen, too. So I'll sum it up. The story is good, if a little worn. As I've noticed with your other pieces, word choice is a massive problem. In fact, it is the biggest problem outside of the overall cliched atmosphere of the story. You shouldn't make the word choice so damn lofty; this is a simple story, it doesn't need such embellishment. Your dialog also needs some work. It's good at some points and just barely passable at others, so you'll need to work on making it less stilted and more oriented towards the character who's saying it.
It's pretty good, Dubbi. Now good luck with your battle.

[Dubbi]

Yeah, I completly agree with the dialogue and overly cliche plot. (How do authors get good ideas?) As for the word choice, I did tone it down here. Big words like, "ostentatiously", were used in context and I really thought they were the best choice because of the actual meaning of the words, not just its rarity.

Anyway, I'll keep trying and hopefully I'll one day post something good, then great and finally, at the end of the road, something professional.

[Shyheart]

I'd say you're improving, but there's still alot of the same old mistakes I generally see you making.

There were times that the grammar felt inadequate; in the first paragraph, for instance, it should be "ancient, immense trees". Another example would be, again, in the first paragraph: "It had been a long, arduous day for him". Again, there should have been a comma.

Then there's the aforementioned word choice problem. "Trepidation" and "Gregarious" are probably the worst offenders here. "ambled" is also probably not the best choice, but it can easily be inferred on the meaning from context so it atleast fits.

"Everything's fine", John replied with an acerbity that revealed his deception.

This also feels like it could've been worded much better. The dialogue kind of ends up being somewhat hard to keep up with because you're trying to figure out what 'acerbity' means; it also means that you may not exactly know what tone of voice he said it in or why.

While the three of them journeyed home, the sun continued on its own journey which now about half complete. To the east the three of them could see her departure which dimmed the forest's extravagant light. The myriad of orange leaves resting on the ground was enchanting; dark shadows danced over autumn's legacy gleefully. With the flamboyance of the day abated and the night's blackness having not yet usurped the air, the colorful forest possessed a quaint beauty.

This paragraph also feels like a particularly bad offender when it comes to purple prose. Mainly because it's inconsequential; this paragraph could have been totally omitted and it probably wouldn't have affected the story that much. It feels alot like you're indulging in your vocabulary; once it got to "Autumn's legacy" it started to feel really contrived- 'the day abated' also feel like it could have been worded better. "the night's blackness not yet having usurped the air" also feels rather strange.

To be honest it feels like this should have emphasized much more on the characters rather than the visuals. The characters all feel somewhat cliched; rebellious teen, naive child, friendly parents who think that they should 'do the right thing', etc. etc.

There was little characterization here and it could have easily been wraped up in four or five paragraphs if you hadn't indulged in writing so many visuals. It feels more like you were just describing a forest and a plate of spaghetti rather than a story.

[Dubbi]

At 3/5/10 04:36 PM, Ass-Crumb wrote: I'd say you're improving, but there's still alot of the same old mistakes I generally see you making.

There were times that the grammar felt inadequate; in the first paragraph, for instance, it should be "ancient, immense trees". Another example would be, again, in the first paragraph: "It had been a long, arduous day for him". Again, there should have been a comma.

Then there's the aforementioned word choice problem. "Trepidation" and "Gregarious" are probably the worst offenders here. "ambled" is also probably not the best choice, but it can easily be inferred on the meaning from context so it atleast fits.


There was little characterization here and it could have easily been wraped up in four or five paragraphs if you hadn't indulged in writing so many visuals. It feels more like you were just describing a forest and a plate of spaghetti rather than a story.

Wow, I've been making the mistake of two adjectives without a comma for as long as I could remember, because no one told me it was wrong! Thanks... While writing the story I was thinking about changing trepidation to anixety and just now I realized gregarious could have been easily changed to curious. And yep, there was so much detail because I had such a bad plot, I didn't know what else two write about. Well, I'l keep trying, but my failures are really starting to discourage me.

[stimcrab]

I'm going to agree with Ass-C here. Maybe you should just write two stories: one just describing things, and one being just action. Then you can attempt to perfect both individual styles, then move onto melding them... Just my advice, though.

[Dubbi]

Bump... I don't want to be perceived as whorish, but I wouldn't mind one more review before I start writing new material....

[stimcrab]

At 3/9/10 06:33 PM, Dubbi wrote: whorish

You so whorish, Dubbi, haha. Still though, I maintain that you should work on both styles separately, perfect each individually, then move on to melding them.

[Imperator]

Minor Points:

I didn't include any of the places where you missed commas between two adjectives, since it's already been covered. One of the advantages of reading the whole thread before reviewing is I get to see what's already been mentioned. I'm lazy like that.

their red and orange hues swept past the ancient immense trees of which they once belonged to.

Stylistic:
I think it sounds better "immense ancient".
I dunno, try reading it aloud and seeing for yourself.

Grammar:
You can either have it "of which they once belonged"
or "which they once belonged to".

there'll

*They['ll] [will].

It's getting late and where going to go back to our house.

*we're

the sun continued on its own journey which now about half complete

which was now. . .

an unassuming neighborhood which lied at the edge of the road

I think it's "lay" here, not sure though. I generally try not to use lay or lie for precisely this reason.

Major Points:

You make good use of alliteration on many examples.
amazing allure
passionate poignant
etc.

Some word choices seem a little stretched, making it seem like you're trying too hard to be artistic, or trying too hard to use a higher register, sociolinguistically speaking.

Ex: "Suddenly, in the outskirts of his ears, he heard a sound which wasn't correspondent to nature"
Not sure "outskirts" or "correspondent" would be words I'd use.

"John replied with an acerbity that revealed his deception."

again with acerbity.

If you can think of simpler words that work just as well, I'd recommend thinking about using them more frequently. KISS principle maybe. Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Not saying you need to go back and make sure no word is more than 3 syllables or anything, but maybe just tone some of the big fancy word use down a bit. Reading your works should not require a dictionary.

Good descriptions. You do a good job of "Painting the Canvas" here.

Story has a nice flow and continuity. It's easy to follow from start to finish.

Not a particularly exciting topic, but you have enough description to keep it going. Any longer and I'd say we need some spice. 4-5 paragraphs of description in a 30 pg chapter is perfectly normal to see, in any work. 4-5 paragraphs of description in a 9 paragraph piece is not.

You could add some simple actions to try to spice things up a bit. Have your character shift his weight, some inner monologue, maybe a mini-flashback. Something to interrupt the relentless description of the surroundings. Otherwise it looks a little monotonous.

The plot's a little shallow, and the characterization is a little lacking. I think there's a whole "teenage angst" angle you could play on to make things a little more well-rounded.

Closing Remarks:
Yeah, it's pretty good.

I look forward to the day when I'm not reading Dubbi with an online dictionary tab open. ;)

[Dubbi]

Thanks, Imperator! I initially had, "immense ancient tress", but I switched the order of the adjectives because I thought it would sound better.... Yep, the plot's a bit cliched, and word choices were a bit grandiloquent, (damn it, I'm doing it again!) but I think I fixed these problems with my latest story, Teenage Angst and Stupidity, which you can go review now! :)

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1152 126

[Version2]

I liked the story, and the description of the autumn forest, I did enjoy this. But Dubbi, while you have an excellent vocabulary, you need to start using words more fitting to your setting and characters. I know it probably feels like you would be dumbing your writing style down, but break out the thesaurus and make sure you're using words that sound good, and more importantly, natural.

But, I do have to give you credit though, you've gotten a lot better about it since the first piece of yours I've read. Keep it up, you'll find the perfect balance soon enough!

I think you should work a bit more on the reason John ran away. Him getting slapped kind of makes his father sound abusive, and it kind of makes me wonder why the family that found him didn't start asking more questions and/or call the authorities.

I really like the human feel that you give to your stories. It's almost like the "happy" version of what I've been trying to do lately, which is why I enjoy reading your work so much. Can't wait to see what else you've got.

[Dubbi]

At 3/17/10 01:08 PM, Version2 wrote: I liked the story, and the description of the autumn forest, I did enjoy this. But Dubbi, while you have an excellent vocabulary, you need to start using words more fitting to your setting and characters. I know it probably feels like you would be dumbing your writing style down, but break out the thesaurus and make sure you're using words that sound good, and more importantly, natural.

But, I do have to give you credit though, you've gotten a lot better about it since the first piece of yours I've read. Keep it up, you'll find the perfect balance soon enough!

I think you should work a bit more on the reason John ran away. Him getting slapped kind of makes his father sound abusive, and it kind of makes me wonder why the family that found him didn't start asking more questions and/or call the authorities.

I really like the human feel that you give to your stories. It's almost like the "happy" version of what I've been trying to do lately, which is why I enjoy reading your work so much. Can't wait to see what else you've got.

Thanks a million and your advice will taken. I've attempted simpler word choice in my latest story: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1152 126 ,which is a story, that I hope you'll read and review. In my next work, which I plan on starting today, I'll try to elaborate on my characters more. :)